


Out of the Darkness

by SootyOwl



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Baby Fic, Background B'Elanna Torres/Tom Paris, Chakotay Has Feelings, Crew as Family, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Janeway is conflicted, Kathryn Janeway Needs a Hug, Kathryn as a mother, Mental Health Issues, Pregnancy, Tom Paris is a Sweetheart
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28482705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SootyOwl/pseuds/SootyOwl
Summary: Kathryn Janeway is stressed and in need of coffee. Nothing new there. She's pining after the smiles of a certain first officer. Also nothing new. However, when she finally goes to The Doctor about her splitting headache, she makes a discovery which will change her entire life.Kathryn Janeway is pregnant. And she has no idea how.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Past Kathryn Janeway/Mark Johnson
Comments: 274
Kudos: 227





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Star Trek: Voyager fan fic, and lo and behold, it's another baby fic. Different circumstances this time, and a different type of fic, but I just couldn't resist more chances of showing Janeway as a mother and the journey she goes on to get there. This fic will have both fluffy and angsty moments, and references to depression, but doesn't get too dark. It's set about midway through Season 4 during 2374.

Kathryn sighed as she sat down behind her desk in her ready room with yet another cup of replicated coffee. She could almost swear the pile of reports on her desk had multiplied since she’d came in that morning. She rubbed at her temples as she pulled another one towards her. The persistent headache of the last week refused to dissipate and was now growing so intense Kathryn was actually considering going to The Doctor about it. Just how had she allowed all this work to pile up so much?

The door chimed, and a moment later, Chakotay appeared on the threshold, two PADDs in his hand.

“If those are more duty rosters or status reports, I’m not interested,” she said warily, lifting up a hand. “I’m delegating. Captain’s prerogative.”

His face took on a subtle smile. “Don’t worry, I’ve dealt with them already. Just need your approval. You don’t even have to read them.”

She sighed and leaned back in her chair, watching him, lips pursed. “I suppose I can trust you not to give me anything dangerous or foolish to approve.”

“You suppose?” Chakotay came further into the room and laid the PADDs down on her desk. His lips twisted with amusement and he winked. “I wouldn’t be so sure. You don’t know what ridiculously extravagant things I’ve requested for my quarters.”

Kathryn managed a small smile and lifted the PADDs to add to the pile. Something must have shown on her face, for Chakotay’s teasing demeanour slipped slightly.

“Are you alright?” he asked, beginning to frown.

“I’m fine,” Kathryn said, cursing herself for showing any weakness. She forced herself to sit up a little straighter, and smile through her headache. “Just a lot of work’s piled up these last few weeks.”

Chakotay nodded. “That plague we ran into off Krolis Prime. With half the crew affected work’s sure backed up around here. I’ve just been listening to B’Elanna venting about the condition of the plasma manifolds and a few other areas that were neglected during the outbreak.”

Kathryn knew exactly what he meant. A good proportion of the reports she was currently reading through were indeed engineering related matters. General maintenance had been so firmly placed upon the backburner when _Voyager_ was running on a skeleton crew it was beginning to catch up on them pretty badly.

“I’m just glad The Doctor came up with the cure and vaccine so quickly,” she said, lifting her coffee and taking a long sip, despite the increase to her headache the rush of caffeine caused. “Can you imagine how much worse off we’d be if we’d allowed the virus to run its normal course of six weeks? Even two was enough to make everything around here almost grind to a halt. We’ll be picking up the slack for months.”

Chakotay listened, and his frown grew ever deeper as he heard the note of bitterness in her voice. Glancing briefly at the door, he came and took a seat before her desk, leaning in slightly in that familiar way she never allowed anyone else on her staff to do.

“You don’t seem well, Kathryn,” he said gently. “I’ve noticed the last few weeks. You’re not yourself.”

“How do you mean?” Kathryn asked, though she knew _exactly_ what he meant. She couldn’t deny the significant downturn her health had taken in the last few weeks. Of course, she couldn’t admit that in front of him. She was the captain, after all. Her crew was counting on her to be strong.

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, refusing to humour her when they both knew what he was referring to. Despite her wish to just end his conversation, she could not help but be a little touched by his concern. The way he was looking at her right now; face so open, eyes so expressive …

 _No,_ she told herself sharply, stopping herself from even trying to go there. _Don’t think of him like that_. _He’s your first officer_.

“I’ve just got a bit of a headache,” Kathryn said, giving in a little with a sigh. “Nothing I can’t handle.”

“Maybe you should go to The Doctor,” Chakotay said, leaning in a little further, his dark eyes roaming across her face. “Leave some of this for now.”

“If I leave this, it’ll only grow by tomorrow,” Kathryn said, waving her hand towards the pile of PADDs next to her, unable to keep the air of exasperation from her voice. “I just need to knuckle down and get through it.” Seeing that Chakotay looked like he wanted to argue more, she sighed again, closing her eyes briefly. “I’ll see The Doctor tomorrow if this damned headache doesn’t go away. Happy?”

“No,” Chakotay said, shaking his head. “I can’t be. Not when you’re so stressed. Let me take on some of this—”

“It’s all captain level stuff,” she said, smiling a little to show her appreciation for his offer. “Needs my authority. Don’t worry about it, Chakotay. A day or two of stress sorting all this out won’t kill me. I’d rather just get it all done.”

He nodded, and stood up to leave, but did not look satisfied in the slightest. He paused in the doorway and looked back at her.

“Don’t push yourself too hard, Kathryn,” he said, locking his eyes on hers. “The ship can operate without status updates and crew reports for a couple of days. It can’t operate without its captain.”

He left before she could make any answer. As soon as the door closed behind him, she rested her elbows on her desk and buried her head in her hands. Her headache was now absolutely splitting, all the worse for Chakotay having left the room. Somehow, when he was near, looking at her, smiling at her, she could forget the stresses of being captain for a while. Until of course, it all came flooding back, and with the added unpleasant reminder that her position was also what prevented her from truly indulging in this flourishing thing that existed between them. Sometimes, being captain was more of a burden than it was worth. In more ways than one.

Kathryn worked hard the rest of her shift, getting through yet more coffee and racing through her reports with a speed which she knew was possibly proof she was being unusually sloppy, yet she could not find the energy to care. By the time she had dragged herself through the corridors at the end of her shift back to her quarters she was ready to collapse. She did not bother to put on the lights as she entered and headed straight for the replicator, tapping a few panels and sitting down with the most basic of meals she could programme quickly. She barely even noticed what she was eating.

Once finished, she disposed of the dishes and went to her bedroom, kicking off her shoes and slipping out of her uniform jacket and pants, but not undressing any further, just throwing herself upon her bed. Her body had little energy for anything. In fact, ever since the Krolisian plague had swept the ship, she’d been battling the most extreme fatigue she’d ever faced in her life, and that included the time during finals in her last year at the Academy when she’d almost found herself hospitalised from overwork. It was all she could do to drag herself to the bridge each morning.

Chakotay wasn’t the only one to have noticed, she knew. Her fatigue had led her to be a little sharper than usual with some of her crew and she hated the effect her own moods were having on them. Chakotay was right, as he usually was. The ship couldn’t function without a captain. And with the fatigue and wild mood swings she’d been experiencing lately, she knew she could not long continue like this. She’d go to The Doctor before her shift the next morning.

Kathryn drifted off to sleep, Chakotay’s face in her mind. At least here, off-duty and in the privacy of her own quarters, she could think of him in whichever way she liked.

Her pleasant dreams of her first officer, however, came to an abrupt end the following morning when she woke with a terrible heaving in her stomach.

Kathryn’s eyes snapped open, and she struggled out of bed, half running, half crawling towards the bathroom as the world seem to spin around her, barely making it there in time to vomit up her meal of the previous night. She coughed and groaned as she emptied her stomach. Her entire body was shaking and she lay practically sprawled across the floor for several minutes. Still trembling, she eventually managed to stand up and splash her face with water, rinsing out her mouth to rid it of the acrid taste. She stared at herself in the mirror, surprised by just how pale she looked. Her eyes stood out sharply by virtue of a dark shadow surrounding them, and she could have sworn her face looked more hollow than before. Was stress really doing this to her?

She remained in her bathroom several more minutes, unwilling to leave while the nausea remained, and drank some more water, hoping that might alleviate the headache which had returned in full force. Eventually, when seeing she wasn’t about to throw up again, she had a quick sonic shower and made her way to her bedroom to get dressed. Even bending down to put on her boots left her feeling lightheaded and she had to stop and lean against the wall for a few moments for it to subside. Yes, she had _definitely_ better go and see The Doctor before going on duty. She didn’t think her senior staff would appreciate her vomiting all over the bridge.

After a futile few minutes in the bathroom trying to make herself look more presentable, she gave it up as a lost cause and began making her way to sickbay. As she walked, she was relieved to find her nausea began to subside slightly, though her headache remained as stubborn as before. By the time she reached sickbay, she felt somewhat better, and almost debated whether she should go in or not. Only the image of Chakotay’s concerned face the day before convinced her to head through those doors.

The Doctor came out from his office as she entered and his eyebrows rose in surprise.

“Captain!” he cried, beaming broadly. “I can’t say it’s very often I see you here of your own accord. What can I do for you?”

“One hell of a headache,” she said, allowing The Doctor to lead her over to sit on the edge of one of the biobeds while he fetched a tricorder. “It’s been constant the last couple weeks. Stress, I imagine.”

“Indeed,” The Doctor said, eyes widening slightly. “It must be severe to convince you of all people that you’re under too much stress.”

“Commander Chakotay—”

“Say no more,” The Doctor said, as he came to stand in front of her with a smile. “I should have known it would have been him to convince you to come. You seldom listen to anyone else around here.”

Kathryn made no answer, not wishing him to perhaps suspect there was anything more to her regard for Chakotay’s opinion than that of a captain for her first officer. She stayed still as The Doctor ran his scanner over her head. He frowned slightly as he looked down at his display.

“Hm,” he said. “Doesn’t appear to be the usual sort of tension headache you’ve had before. Have you had any other symptoms?”

Kathryn hesitated, reluctant despite everything to reveal just how bad she’d been feeling lately. The last thing she needed right now was for The Doctor to prescribe bed rest with everything else that was piling up on her. Still, she couldn’t ignore this. If she continued feeling this way, she knew she’d be no use to anybody.

“A bit of nausea and light-headedness,” she admitted. “I vomited this morning, but I’ve been feeling a bit ‘off’ for a while.”

“Any changes to appetite? Mood?”

“A little,” she said, thinking back. “I’ve been a bit touchy lately with people. And I’ve been eating less. I’m just struggling to stomach Neelix’s cooking at the moment.”

“I can hardly blame you,” The Doctor said darkly. He moved his scanner down to take in her entire body. “When did you say these symptoms began?”

“Two weeks ago,” she said, wincing as there was a particularly painful stabbing sensation in her temple. “Around the time you gave us that vaccine for the Krolisian plague.”

“Hmm,” he said, not looking at her as he continued waving his scanner around, eyes fixed on his tricorder. “It’s possible the two could be related. Perhaps you’ve had a delayed reaction to it, or perhaps it’s proved ineffective and …”

“And what?” Kathryn asked, immediately on alert as she saw The Doctor freeze entirely and stop to stare in disbelief at his tricorder, cut off entirely in his flow. She had seldom seen him lost for words before.

“Doctor?” she prompted, seeing him still standing motionless after a few moments. She couldn’t prevent a spike of fear beginning in her chest as she saw his reaction. “What’s wrong? Are the two connected? Did I catch the virus?”

Finally, The Doctor came back to his senses and blinked again. He slowly closed his tricorder and lifted his eyes to Kathryn’s. Her heart beat faster as she saw an unusually serious expression on his face.

“Your symptoms have nothing to do with the Krolisian plague, Captain,” he said gently. “You’re not ill at all in fact.”

“Then what?” Kathryn demanded, losing patience with him, now starting to allow the fear to creep in further the longer he kept this from her. “Why am I feeling like this?”

The Doctor glanced towards the sickbay doors for a moment, before speaking, a half smile on his lips.

“Because, Captain, you’re pregnant.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the great response last chapter!
> 
> One thing I should have mentioned. Up till this point, Voyager's journey has mostly been the same as in canon, but with one difference. In this fic, there have been no pregnancies or babies on board, so no Naomi Wildman. At least, not yet ...

Kathryn stared, and could not comprehend what he’d just said. The Doctor was wrong. He had to be. There was some sort of error in his programming. It was the only explanation.

The Doctor was continuing to stare at her, that smile still on his lips. Was this a joke? If so, it was in very poor taste.

“That’s not possible,” Kathryn managed to say hoarsely, realising she’d been silent for a full minute. “You’re wrong.”

“I assure you, I’m not,” The Doctor said, quite cheerfully. He opened his tricorder again and scanned it over her, turning it around to let her view the display. “You see?”

Kathryn looked at it, but barely saw it. It had to be wrong too. This wasn’t happening. It was malfunctioning too somehow.

“No,” she said, pushing it away. “It’s not possible. Try another one.”

“Captain, I appreciate this may be a shock, but—”

“Another one, Doctor!” she cried, wincing at how shrill her voice had come out. The Doctor frowned slightly, apparently offended she was displaying such obvious distrust in his abilities, but obliged her, heading off to his office and returning with a different device. He scanned her again and then showed her the results.

“The readings are quite conclusive, Captain. You are pregnant. I’d say, based on these initial readings, you’re about eight weeks along.”

Kathryn grabbed the tricorder from his hands and looked it over, but her thoughts were whirring so fast it all looked like gibberish. The racing of her heart increased. The nausea returned. She took a deep breath, placing the tricorder on the bed beside her, lifting her eyes to the EMH.

“Doctor,” she said, as slowly and calmly as she could, determined to make him understand. “I’m telling you _this is impossible._ I can’t be pregnant.”

“Nevertheless, you are.” The Doctor seemed entirely oblivious to the way her sense of reality seemed to be falling away from her. “I’ll need to do some more extensive scans of course, but all indications at present seem to suggest the child is perfectly healthy. You have my con—”

“Don’t you dare say congratulations,” she said, fighting to keep her voice under control. She slid off the biobed and began to pace, pushing through the wobbly feeling in her legs, trying to stave away her light-headedness. “Doctor, this can’t be happening.”

He shook his head indulgently, still smiling. “This must be a great deal to take in, but I assure you, it is quite real. I’ll say it as many times as you need me to, Captain. You’re pregnant.”

Kathryn felt like she was about to throw up again. She had to stop her pacing for a moment as the room began spinning.

“Doctor,” she said, looking at him, and wishing he’d take the smile from his face. “You don’t understand me. I can’t be pregnant. I haven’t—that is …it’s physically impossible …” She closed her eyes, breathing deeply for a second. “Doctor, I haven’t … _been_ with anyone. Not in years.”

When she opened her eyes, she was unnerved to see The Doctor was still smiling at her, his head tilted to one side in an infuriatingly patronising way.

“Come now, Captain, there’s no need to be embarrassed,” he said, apparently fighting the urge to grin. “No one’s going to judge you. You’re hardly the first one onboard to … _indulge_. I’m actually surprised there haven’t been more pregnancies. Granted, being the captain makes things a tad more delicate, but this is hardly your typical Starfleet ship, and I’m sure the crew realise that.”

 _The crew_ , Kathryn thought. Panic now began to break through her disbelief. _What are they going to think_?

“Doctor, I swear, I haven’t been with anyone,” she said, swallowing. Her throat felt oddly tight.

“Well, you must have been with _someone_ ,” The Doctor said in a sort of sing-song voice, now not even disguising his conspiratorial wink. “As far as I know, it’s as yet medically impossible for Humans to reproduce asexually. Who _is_ the father? I’d hazard a guess at a certain former Maquis myself—”

“Doctor, there is no father!” Kathryn interrupted him loudly, unable to keep the verging hysteria from her voice. Her legs were shaking so badly she was surprised she could stand up. “I’m not some panicking teenager trying to cover something up here. I’m being serious. I haven’t slept with anyone on board. I _can’t_ be pregnant.”

Something in her tone finally seemed to have broken through to The Doctor, and his teasing expression faltered, replaced by one of concern when he saw her distress. Coming forwards, he led her back to the biobed, settling her upon it while she breathed heavily, fighting the rising panic as she desperately tried to make sense of things. The Doctor vanished for a moment before returning with a glass of cold water which she raised to her trembling lips. She sipped for a moment, trying to let herself calm down, put herself back in captain mode. She needed to be rational here, not allow her emotions to run away with her.

Finishing the glass, she looked up at The Doctor, who had waited patiently for her to finish, running another few scans with a different tricorder, frowning as he did so. He snapped it shut, and then fetched a hypospray, which he pressed to her neck, drawing a small blood sample which he then took to one of his workstations. Kathryn watched numbly as he ran several tests on the sample, tapping panels so quickly she could barely follow the movement of his hands. After a few minutes, his frown deepened and he returned to her, face grave.

“I am sorry, Captain,” he said, much gentler than before. “But it’s definitely confirmed. You are, somehow, eight weeks pregnant.”

Kathryn kept shaking her head, though what good it would do, she didn’t know. “Eight weeks …” she said, trying to think back, counting the weeks on her fingers. “We weren’t anywhere near a planet then. That was our clear spell. We docked at that space station … ten weeks ago, and then we didn’t run into anyone else until the Krilosians four weeks ago.”

“In any case,” The Doctor continued, looking at the tricorder again, “the scans show the child is fully Human. It cannot have been fathered by anyone in the Delta Quadrant. To my knowledge, the only other Humans who live here are far behind us on the planet with the 37s.”

 _Fully Human_. Kathryn looked down at her perfectly flat stomach, almost as if she was trying to look inside and find the answer there. _How are you here?_

“How can I have become pregnant without being aware of it?” she asked, speaking slowly. She felt like throwing up again as she considered the only possible solutions for this.

“There are multiple options,” The Doctor said, chewing his lip. “Considering the sort of things we’ve run into before now. We could have had all our memories altered by some alien race or technology— you could have become pregnant during some lost period of time we experienced. There could be some sort of alien interference, artificial insemination without your knowledge, though I can’t see _why_ anyone would want to do that. There are all sorts of strange phenomena which we’re just unaware of which could be responsible. There was a case on the _Enterprise-D_ where a crewmember became pregnant with an alien lifeform which only resembled a humanoid. I don’t think it’s quite the same situation here, but perhaps something similar is at work.”

Kathryn nodded. Okay, she could deal with this. Strange alien occurrences happened all the time on this ship. This was a puzzle. This was something which she could solve.

“Can you find out anything else about the – the child?” she asked, momentarily stumbling over the word. She still could not accept that was what it was. A child. _Her child_.

The Doctor nodded, and motioned for her to follow him over to his monitors, pulling up the scans and the results of the tests he’d run on the blood sample. Kathryn went straight into her scientist frame of mind as she surveyed them.

“It appears entirely like an ordinary Human pregnancy,” The Doctor said, scrolling through the displays. “Nothing unusual whatsoever as yet. More detailed imaging scans and tests could reveal more.”

“Can you isolate the child’s DNA?” Kathryn asked, eyes quickly roaming over all the information. “Compare it to the crew’s? If—if the father is a member of the crew, it might help try and explain things.”

The Doctor nodded and began tapping some buttons. Kathryn focused so intently on the monitor she felt her headache protesting. But she couldn’t look away. _The father_. Had she really potentially slept with someone on board and be unable to remember it? How could that be? Had everyone’s memory been altered, or perhaps just hers? It was chilling as she considered that a male crewmember was walking around who could perhaps be the father of – of this child. Could he have … forced her in some way? Wiped her memory afterwards? She felt like she could be sick.

Her immediate reaction was to dismiss that line of thinking. She trusted her crew and did not believe any of them capable of that, at least, if they were in their right minds and free of potential alien influence. Though, as she recalled Lon Suder, her confidence was muted a little.

As captain, she’d known she did not have the luxury of engaging in the same sort of intimate relationships she had allowed to flourish elsewhere on board. She held herself to an impossibly high standard, despite the temptations. Despite the smiles of a certain first officer.

Her heart leapt as she thought of Chakotay, and she had to clutch the monitor in front of her while the spinning in her head subsided. He was the only one she could ever have thought she might finally lower her barriers for. Could … could he be the father?

The Doctor’s fingers were flying over the console, and Kathryn watched him with an increasing desperation. She needed answers. Had she finally allowed herself to be with him and then forgotten all about it? _Who was the father?_

The Doctor finished his work and looked at her, more puzzled than ever.

“I’ve isolated the DNA,” he said, blinking rapidly. “50% is yours, so we know at least it isn’t some alien surrogate. But the father’s DNA … it doesn’t match the genetic profile of anyone on board.”

Kathryn stared, unsure what to feel at that. Relief she hadn’t been somehow violated by a member of the crew without her knowledge … or disappointed the child was not proof of a deeper relationship between herself and Chakotay.

“But there aren’t any other Humans around, Doctor,” she said, feeling the threads of a possible explanation snapping abruptly. “It _has_ to be someone on board. Or – or an alien who’s somehow managed to take Human form. Or …”

She felt light-headed again, and it was only the Doctor’s quick actions which stopped her collapsing completely. For the second time, he led her to the biobed and sat her down, this time, remaining close. Kathryn bent over and breathed deeply trying to calm her painfully beating heart. This had to be a dream. All of it. How could she be pregnant with the child of some unknown Human thousands of lightyears from the Alpha Quadrant?

“If you don’t mind me asking, Captain,” The Doctor asked tentatively, “when _was_ the last time you were intimate with someone?”

Kathryn forced her mind to start working properly. “Before we arrived in the Delta Quadrant,” she said, feeling weak. “With my fiancée. I’ve stayed faithful to him. Even if – if he’s already given me up for dead.”

Kathryn couldn’t help but screw up her face as she considered this, her conscience nipping at her heels. True, she’d stayed functionally faithful to Mark, but she certainly had allowed her imagination to wander many a time. And on New Earth, with Chakotay, she’d come so close to giving in. Guilt gnawed at her as she thought of Mark, the man she’d once so passionately loved. He was probably back home, mourning her loss, and she’d been cosying up with, and dare she admit it, openly _flirting_ with her first officer. Hell, she’d only just now desperately hoped the child she was carrying was his! If she managed to make it home to the Alpha Quadrant, how could she face Mark again, having fallen pregnant with someone else’s child? Would he even still be waiting on her? He might have already moved on.

She felt like she was about to start panicking again, and this time, the Doctor was prepared. Quick as a flash, he’d whipped up a hypospray to her neck and depressed it with a gentle hiss. Immediately a wave of calmness washed over her, falling like a soft blanket over the furious thoughts tumbling around in her mind.

“I do not think it likely you’ve been pregnant for almost four years,” The Doctor said, musing aloud. “I’ve examined you several times and nothing’s ever shown up. It’s a real mystery.”

Through her dulled thoughts, Kathryn could not help but feel a stab of annoyance. Mystery? Her life had just been entirely turned upside down. She was sitting here, pregnant with God only knows who’s child, completely unable to remember conceiving it and The Doctor was talking as though this was some cheap holonovel thriller.

 _Pregnant_ , she repeated to herself, horror sinking around her. _I’m having a baby_. _And I have no idea how_.

“I think you should stay off duty today, Captain,” The Doctor said, watching her carefully. “You’ve had a real shock and you need to come to terms with this.”

Kathryn shook her head. “No, I need to get to work,” she said, wringing her hands. “I need to put this out of my mind.”

“Captain, while we’re still figuring out how this came to be, you cannot run from the fact that you _are_ pregnant,” The Doctor said, placing a soothing hand on her shoulder. “Lots of things are going to change and you need time to think this through. And also whether or not you want to keep the child.”

 _Not keep it_. Kathryn stared down at her belly again, as though expecting to see the child there looking back at her. Could she terminate the pregnancy? Is that what she wanted? Her brain was too muddled up to think clearly about this yet.

As she contemplated this, there came the sound of Chakotay’s voice over the comm.

“ _Chakotay to Janeway_.”

Kathryn felt like ignoring it. She couldn’t deal with Chakotay right now. She couldn’t deal with anything. She wanted to run to her quarters and curl up under the blankets and hide from everything until they arrived back home. But when Chakotay’s call came again, she slapped her comm badge, restoring the façade of the Captain’s mask.

“Yes, Commander, go ahead.”

“ _Just checking in, Captain. You haven’t shown up for your shift on the bridge this morning. Is everything alright?”_

 _No_ , she wanted to say. _Everything’s falling apart_.

“I’m in sickbay, Commander,” she said, surprised at how calm her voice was. “Getting that headache remedy you advised me to get. I’ll be on the bridge shortly.”

“No, she won’t,” The Doctor interrupted, hitting his own badge and frowning at her. “The captain’s taking the rest of the day off. Doctor’s orders.”

Kathryn was still too stunned to argue with him, or even shoot him her best Janeway glare. If Chakotay was surprised by her lack of resistance he did not show it.

“ _Understood. I’ll take care of things up here. I’ll check in later.”_

“Go back to your quarters, Captain,” The Doctor said, patting her shoulder gently. “You’re in no state to command anyone right now. You need to let this news sink in. Go and rest. I’ll continue our little investigation and try to come up with some answers for you.”

Kathryn nodded, though she didn’t see how she would be able to rest as she thought about all of this. She made no more protests as The Doctor gave her some more hyposprays for the shock and to help her relax somewhat, and she left to go to her quarters.

As soon as she reached them, she went straight to her window seat and collapsed into it, pulling her legs tightly towards her, staring outside as space drifted past at warp speed. So much had changed since she’d left her quarters this morning.

Her entire world had crashed down around her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone reading/commenting!
> 
> Another thing I forgot to mention at the beginning of this fic, POV will predominately be Kathryn's but there will also be chapters with Chakotay POV (such as this one).

Chakotay stared straight ahead as he ran over the conversation again and again, eyes resting somewhere just above the back of Tom’s head. _The captain’s taking the rest of the day off_. That’s what the Doctor had said. And Kathryn hadn’t argued. Why?

He glanced towards her empty seat, insides squirming unpleasantly. Kathryn would _never_ agree to medical leave like this unless literally ordered to by The Doctor, and even then she’d put up a fight. Was there something seriously wrong? She’d certainly looked ill enough recently. He was glad he’d told her to see The Doctor yesterday, but now was kicking himself for not insisting she see him sooner. It was obvious she had been struggling lately, and he’d do anything he could to make her burdens lighter.

He was so lost in thought he almost missed the sound of the turbolift doors opening, only becoming aware of the new presence on the bridge when he heard Harry’s voice.

“Doctor!” he cried, making Chakotay look up. “How’s the captain?”

It had been intended as an offhand request, friendly, inconsequential, but The Doctor did not respond. In fact, his face was usually grave, and he sought Chakotay’s eyes directly.

“A word, Commander?”

Chakotay nodded, and stood up to head into the captain’s ready room. Inwardly, he tried not to panic at the expression on The Doctor’s face, the private nature of the conversation he was about to have, but the sight of Harry, Tom and even Tuvok looking towards The Doctor with an expression of concern at his reluctance to answer Harry almost made him give in to it.

He kept his own face stoic as they headed inside and closed the doors behind them. Stepping inside, Chakotay saw the piled up reports on Kathryn’s desk and his stomach clenched. Had the stress of the job finally proved too much?

“What’s wrong, Doctor?” he asked, surprised at how professional he was sounding when his mind was getting carried away in worry for Kathryn. “The captain?”

The Doctor nodded. “Yes. I’m afraid I’ll be keeping her off duty for the next couple of days at least.”

“I see,” Chakotay said, the clenching in his stomach growing worse. “She’s that ill?”

“She’s … not exactly ill,” The Doctor said, hesitantly. “But I don’t think she’s currently fit for duty. I need to run some further tests on her. Until I know more for certain, I think it best she remains where she is.”

This was doing nothing to ease Chakotay’s panic.

“You mean, you don’t know what’s wrong?”

“It requires further investigation,” The Doctor said, and it was obvious he was choosing his words extremely carefully. “I cannot reveal any more than that at the present moment, not without her permission.”

“Is her life in danger?”

“No, I don’t believe so,” The Doctor said, which was at least some good news. Chakotay felt like demanding the truth from him right now, but knew he couldn’t.

“What investigation do you need to do?” Chakotay asked him.

“It’s more what I need _you_ to do,” The Doctor said. When Chakotay frowned, he elaborated. “I need access to all ship’s logs and sensor data from approximately eight weeks ago. Personal logs included. I need you to authorise it.”

Chakotay stared. Personal logs and sensor data? What on earth could he need those for to figure out a medical problem?

“I don’t –”

“Please don’t ask me to explain right now,” The Doctor said, face growing serious again. “All I can tell you is … there is a chance the captain may have been affected by some sort of alien presence which we were unaware of at the time. I would like to review the sensor data to check for any anomalies which could support that theory. Of course, since that isn’t my area of expertise, I’ll need someone to help me review them.”

Chakotay was more confused than ever. “And the personal logs?”

“Again, I need to check if there was any … abnormalities among the crew eight weeks ago,” he said. He sighed apologetically. “Forgive me for being so vague, Commander. This is a delicate situation. I can’t say any more at the moment.”

“I’ll get you what you need,” he said, his need to know the truth overcome by his need to give the Doctor whatever he required to help Kathryn. “Will it help her?”

“I hope so,” The Doctor said, looking oddly distant for a moment. He looked back at Chakotay and seemed to hesitate before speaking again. “The captain may be in need of a friend right now, Commander. I’d suggest you try and see if she’ll discuss this with you.”

The Doctor left the room the next moment, leaving Chakotay ready to immediately race off to Kathryn’s quarters and see her. The thought of her alone, possibly distressed, was deeply disturbing. Restraining himself with difficulty, he headed back onto the bridge. The senior officers all looked up as he entered, expressions guarded.

“How’s the captain, Commander?” Tom asked, frowning as he saw Chakotay’s face.

“Captain’s fine,” he said dismissively, hoping he was telling the truth. “The Doctor’s got a bit of a mystery on his hands he needs help with.” He turned and looked towards Harry, who, like Tom, looked worried. “Harry, I need you to access all sensor data from eight weeks ago, as well as all logs, professional and personal from that same time, and forward it all to sickbay. Then I need you to head down there and assist The Doctor with whatever he needs. You might as well get Seven as well.”

“Me, assist The Doctor?” Harry’s frown deepened, and he looked uncertainly at Tom. Chakotay knew what they were thinking, because it was the same thing he was; why did The Doctor need information like that, and why did he need the help of someone like Harry and not a medic?

“You heard me, Ensign,” he said, going to sit down. He paused for a moment before the captain’s chair, before passing over it to sit in his normal position. “Get on it, right away.”

“Aye, sir.”

For the rest of Chakotay’s shift, he was split between speculating on what The Doctor could need with information like that and worry for Kathryn. He barely heard Tom’s occasional updates on their course and speed, and held almost no interest for Tuvok’s comments on the stellar formations they were passing.

_Just what was wrong with Kathryn?_

* * *

Kathryn did not stir from her quarters from the moment she’d arrived back there from sickbay. She couldn’t. It had taken her most of the day to emerge from her numb fog and begin to feel anything again. She took to pacing around her quarters trying to make sense of everything, running through every possible logical solution and meticulously examining and then disregarding each of them. Now the shock had worn off, she could be the analytical captain she knew she was.

But no amount of pacing, thinking, reasoning or arguing with herself could help to explain away how she was currently pregnant with a child she had no memory of conceiving, a child of a Human man who was not a member of this crew, four years after she’d last had sex with someone.

The baby itself, she’d barely stopped to think about. She couldn’t allow herself to fully begin to think about the reality that she was actually _pregnant_. That thought for the moment was too frightening. Until she could discover how this baby had come about, she could not really begin to think about becoming its mother. She felt oddly violated somehow, as though this child was some sort of alien parasite which had invaded her body. Although The Doctor had insisted the baby had her DNA, it did not yet seem like hers, in the same way those mutated offspring she had had after the warp ten flight did not seem like her children. It was something alien, something strange. She could not let herself think of it as _her_ baby.

She walked and paced so much, she was surprised to find that hours had passed by and her stomach was growling. She fetched herself another simple meal from the replicator, and as she sat to eat it, she began to piece some of the facts together. Was this why for the last two weeks she’d been unable to eat her usual meals? Had avoided the mess hall so diligently? It hadn’t been the smell of Neelix’s cooking, or her temperamental replicator’s efforts which had made her feel so nauseated. It was the baby.

Kathryn ate what she could and decided to turn in early, though she knew she would not be able to sleep. She lay curled on her side, knees drawn up to her chest, feeling the insane urge to cry in a way she had not done since she was a child. Could she put that down to pregnancy hormones? Or was it just the idea of his whole situation? Her own body was a stranger to her.

One hand drifted down towards her stomach and rested there, astonished that beneath her hand, there was something else alive. She had no bump yet, no visible sign, yet she knew it was there. But what was it? Her child? Or some alien invader?

Her sleep, when it did come, was restless and riddled with strange dreams. As the previous morning, she found herself heading for the bathroom to be sick almost as soon as she woke, but unlike yesterday, the nausea did not dissipate. She sat by the toilet for a long time, unable to move from the floor. The slight nausea of the previous couple of weeks seemed to have multiplied, as though the simple knowledge of the pregnancy was lending weight to her symptoms. After a while, she felt strong enough for a shower and to get dressed, pulling on loose pants and a baggy shirt, though she knew she was not showing at all.

She went out into her main living area and sat by the window staring out into space. Had she been impregnated by some strange alien out there? Was it the result of some illicit encounter she’d had with some Human miraculously here in the Delta Quadrant which had been wiped from her memory for some reason? It was a frightening thought either way.

As on the previous day, she wandered around, alternatively thinking and worrying about what this would mean. She tried to read for a while, do anything to distract herself from her internal monologue, but she could not focus. The food she replicated (probably burning through all of her rations at this rate) was barely palatable, for every time she tried to eat, her insides began to writhe, as though the child itself was already moving around inside her.

Around the evening, there was a chiming at her door, and Kathryn stared at it for a moment, debating whether or not to let anybody in. She felt incredibly weak all of a sudden.

“Come,” she said finally, a part of her longing for some Human company to stop her going completely mad as she contemplated what was going on.

The doors opened and Chakotay strode in, eyes scanning the room immediately, searching for her. Finding her sitting by the window he came to her quickly and took a seat by her side, expression anxious.

“Kathryn?” His eyes darted across her face and body, and Kathryn subconsciously found herself pulling her shirt further down, though she knew she had no trace of a bump as of yet. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” she said, trying to smile, but he was not fooled in the slightest. He inched a little closer.

“You look worse than yesterday,” he said gently, a crease on his brow. “Like you’ve barely slept.”

“Flattery, Commander? I didn’t know you had it in you,” she said, attempting to joke, but she knew she could not pull it off, not when she felt so miserable. She sighed. “Alright, I admit it. I’m feeling a bit worse for wear. My headache is worse and I’ve been on the verge of throwing up all day. But really, Commander, I’m fine. There’s nothing seriously wrong with me.”

“Then what’s going on?” he asked, surprising her with the note of urgency in his tone. “If this is something mild, why can’t The Doctor treat it? Why’s he got us looking through old logs and sensor data?”

Kathryn wanted to tell him. She really did. Who could she trust if not him, her right hand man these last four years. But she didn’t know how to tell him yet, not when she herself was so unsure of everything. She couldn’t bear it. And for some reason, she felt ridiculously ashamed, as though worried he’d be disappointed in her for falling pregnant. It made no sense. Nothing did anymore.

“I can’t tell you yet,” she said, hating herself for the look of hurt which momentarily flashed into his eyes. “Not until we know more. Please, don’t ask me.”

It was a mark of Chakotay’s respect and loyalty to her that he did not, though she did not miss the worried expression he held in his eyes. He moved himself even closer.

“I can’t help but be concerned,” he said softly, eyes on her face. “I thought all this was down to stress, and now we’re looking out for alien interference? I mean, apart from your health, we’ve got the ship’s security to consider.”

Kathryn nodded, having thought of that already. “If it becomes a matter of ship security, you have my assurances you’ll be the first to know,” she said. “I just don’t know _what_ it is right now.”

Chakotay expression shifted as muscles twitched in his jaw. It was almost as if he was holding himself back from something.

“I came by last night,” he said. “You didn’t answer.”

Kathryn frowned. She must have completely drowned it out in her misery.

“Sorry,” she said, distractedly. “I – I guess I fell asleep early.”

“The Doctor said you might need a friend right now,” Chakotay continued, eyes still locked onto hers. Two days ago, that sight might have made her breathless, but right now, she was still too overwhelmed to feel much joy. “Was he right?”

Suddenly too emotional to talk, Kathryn nodded, the back of her throat burning as she thought of how much she desperately wished to tell him, how afraid she was of whatever it was that was growing inside her. Straight away, Chakotay reached out his hand and took hold of hers, squeezing it gently.

“I’m here for you, Kathryn,” he said, dropping his voice to an almost embarrassingly intimate volume. “Always, as a friend, and as your first officer. Whatever you need.”

“Thank you,” she managed to say finally, once she’d gotten a grip of her urge to fall forward into his chest and cry her eyes out. What was it about this man that made her feel she could be so open, so vulnerable without any judgement? This former criminal, whom she’d been sent to capture, made her feel more like herself than anyone else did. The only one who ever used her name.

She wasn’t sure how long they sat together, Chakotay’s warm hand in hers, but it was enough to help ease some of the turmoil inside her. Chakotay’s presence seemed to do that somehow. His very face made her feel calm.

Her door chimes went, and Kathryn’s eyes snapped away from Chakotay’s to the door. She dropped his hand.

“Yes?”

The doors slid open and The Doctor entered, looking as serious as he had the last time she’d seen him. By her side, Kathryn could tell Chakotay was immediately on edge. She glanced between them for a moment, debating with herself. As much as she wanted Chakotay to stay, hold her hand for hours yet, she needed to speak to The Doctor alone right now. She needed to figure out what she was dealing with before allowing her barriers to drop completely.

“If I could speak to the captain in private, Commander?”

Chakotay glanced at her, and after seeing her brief nod, he stood up. He moved slowly towards the doors and looked back for a moment at Kathryn, clearly reluctant to leave. Kathryn smiled at him, letting him know it was alright, and he left a moment later. Immediately, her smile dropped.

The Doctor came to sit by her side. The expression on his face told Kathryn he had some serious news to impart. He also carried several PADDS in his hand, and Kathryn prepared herself for a lengthy conversation.

As she turned to face the Doctor more full on, she could not stop herself from glancing back at the door Chakotay had just left through as a knot began to form in her stomach.

She now wished she had kept him by her side.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some answers at last! Hope the explanation isn't a let down. Some of the theories you guys had were so much better! 😂

The Doctor looked over her critically as he took his seat.

“You’ve not been looking after yourself, Captain,” he said severely. “Have you slept at all? What have you eaten?”

“I keep throwing it all up,” she said, provoked by his tone. “And as for sleep, I’d like to see you try it when you could have an alien growing inside you.”

The Doctor’s severe expression softened. “I understand, Captain. But perhaps my news will be a welcome way to ease your anxieties. As for the nausea, I can help with that too.”

“You’ve got news?” Kathryn asked, glancing down at his PADDs. She hardly dared hope he had figured it all out, not so quickly. “Is it an alien?”

“I don’t believe so,” he said, and began to smile. “I believe it is your child, Captain. An entirely Human child, conceived naturally.”

Kathryn stared at him a moment, feeling the absurd urge to cry again.

“How do you know?” she asked, reeling. “And I still don’t understand. _How_ was it conceived naturally?”

“Well, for starters all the sensor data did not reveal even the slightest trace of alien presence on _Voyager_ eight weeks ago,” the Doctor said, still smiling. “No subspace distortions, no temporal windows, no other dimensions or anything similar. Harry and Seven checked three times. And there was nothing in the logs either. Seven checked the ship’s systems closely, searching for any evidence of tampering with the records and there was nothing. We haven’t lost any time, or had our memories interfered with. I was in quite a dilemma when they told me. I wasn’t sure what to try next.”

Kathryn nodded and waited, willing him to hurry up and finish his story and tell her how this child could possibly be hers. He seemed too caught up in his own tale to worry about giving her answers.

“I would have been completely lost if Ensign Wildman hadn’t walked into sickbay this morning,” The Doctor continued. “She gave a list of symptoms which sounded quite familiar, and so I examined her. She too is pregnant.”

Kathryn’s jaw dropped. “Samantha Wildman is also pregnant?” She hurriedly recalled all she knew about her to mind. “But—she’s married, isn’t she? Are you telling me she’s also gotten pregnant by this … mystery being?”

“No, she hasn’t,” The Doctor said, looking quite pleased with himself. “But you’re right in one thing. She _is_ married. To a Ktarian. The child she carries is half Human, half Ktarian.”

Kathryn exhaled loudly, staring at him. “It’s her husband’s child?” She couldn’t understand this. “But … how can she be pregnant with her husband’s baby when she hasn’t seen him in nearly four years? Is the Ktarian gestation period that long?”

“As a matter of a fact, she’s only about seven weeks along.”

“You’re not making any sense, Doctor,” Kathryn said, wondering if his subroutines were malfunctioning. He looked far too calm and at ease about this. He almost looked as if he was enjoying himself.

“Look at these,” The Doctor said, showing her scans on the PADDs. “She is most definitely seven weeks pregnant. And you are most definitely eight weeks pregnant.”

“So what are you saying, that the last few years didn’t happen?” Kathryn stared at Ensign Wildman’s scan in the same disbelief in which she’d looked at her own.

“Oh, they did,” he said. “But I believe for some reason, her pregnancy was made dormant. For the last four years, the developing embryo was … frozen, for lack of a better word.”

Kathryn felt the burning in her throat return and didn’t know if she wanted to cry or be sick. “What does this mean for me?” she asked, somewhat breathless. Her hand had drifted up to her stomach.

“Think, Captain,” The Doctor said softly, “when was the last time you were with your fiancé?”

Kathryn’s mind was swimming, but she forced herself to try and think about it rationally. “It was …” she said slowly, “about … six weeks before the Caretaker abducted us. Just before I left Earth to take command of _Voyager_.”

“That fits exactly with my theory,” he beamed. “I believe, Captain, that when you were pulled into the Delta Quadrant, both of you were already pregnant. Both your pregnancies were ‘frozen’ and did not develop normally. Then, something happened to ‘reactivate’ them. Neither of you had any symptoms of pregnancy before the inoculation two weeks ago. I believe one of the ingredients in the vaccine ended your dormant pregnancies and caused the embryos to begin developing once again. You were six weeks pregnant when you ended up here, Captain, and the baby has been growing again for the last two weeks.”

“You mean,” Kathryn said, choking out the words through the wave of emotion threatening to spill from her, “this child … it’s _Mark’s_ baby?”

“Yes,” he said, his smile growing wider.

“Mark, the man I haven’t seen in almost four years?”

“Yes.”

Kathryn looked away from him for a moment, so much rushing through her at that moment she didn’t believe she could make sense of any of it. Her hand was still on her stomach and she finally, for the first time since she’d discovered she was pregnant, allowed herself to feel something towards this child. _This is my baby. Mine and Mark’s._

“I know this must be hard to take in,” The Doctor said, “but it must be a relief at least to know there’s been no illicit alien activity going on.”

Relief? Kathryn wasn’t sure if she could call it that yet. There was still so much that was unknown. She was still uncertain if she wanted to cry or vomit. Or both.

“How certain are you?” she asked him.

“Almost entirely,” he replied. “I doubt I would have realised it if Ensign Wildman hadn’t also been pregnant. What are the chances of two female crewmembers falling pregnant at the same time to species from the Alpha Quadrant while being stranded so far from home, both with no clue how it came about?”

“But … what made the pregnancies … go dormant?”

“I have a theory there as well,” The Doctor said, picking up another PADD and scrolling through some medical texts. “In both of your blood work, I detected minute traces of a unique compound I have only ever seen in two people: Ms. Torres and Mr. Kim when I examined them after their encounter with the Caretaker. I believe that when he abducted the crew and ran tests on you all, he injected everyone with some sort of compound with which to do it. It froze your bodies for the three days in which he experimented on you all to check for compatibility. Harry and B’Elanna reacted badly to it, and you and Ensign Wildman had a very different sort of reaction, though we didn’t know it at the time. It had the effect of freezing the development of the foetuses. Their cells weren’t woken up at the same time everyone else’s was. The ingredient in the vaccine eventually counteracted the compound.”

“The Caretaker,” Kathryn repeated, taking the PADD in turn and looking through it, without really reading it. “But … I don’t understand. The … foetuses were still there, weren’t they? Even if their development was frozen, no matter how small they may have been. So how come they haven’t been noticed until now? Sam and I have had multiple health checks since then. How could we have gone this long without realising? I don’t know about her, but I’ve certainly not noticed anything. My cycle’s been regular, I’ve not had any pregnancy symptoms.”

“I’ve looked through your old medical checks,” The Doctor said, lifting the third PADD. “There were there, but at five and six week’s gestation, they were so small I overlooked them; I would have needed to have been looking specifically for them. They were frozen, so they gave off no life signs a bioscanner could latch onto. The compound also had the effect of halting other pregnancy symptoms, such as increased hormone production. As far as your bodies were concerned, from the moment the foetuses were frozen, you ceased to be pregnant, and life carried on as normal. Now they’ve woken up, the symptoms are back. I suspect you and Ensign Wildman simply hadn’t had any noticeable pregnancy symptoms before your journey into the Badlands.”

Kathryn looked at her own medical records and her body scans. She could see nothing there. How was it possible there had been a baby inside of her all this time?

“I’ve been in so many dangerous situations,” she said, swallowing hard. “Surely it’s been exposed to something harmful since then?”

“Again, since it was frozen, it simply escaped all other influences. It was not ‘alive’ in the strictest sense. It survived completely without harm.”

Kathryn’s hand tightened across her abdomen. It was suddenly getting hard to breathe. “But what about the warp ten flight?” she asked. “I—I mated with Tom, had three offspring. How did I do that while I was already pregnant? How can me evolving and then devolving not have harmed it? And the Borg! I was assimilated, Doctor!”

“The … creature you evolved into did not reproduce in the same way,” The Doctor said delicately. “Like some comparable modern species, I suspect the female lays the eggs and the male fertilises them externally. And for how the embryo escaped harm from the evolution process, or from assimilation, I’m not sure. I suspect its dormancy saved it again.”

By now, Kathryn had pressed a hand to her mouth. Something big was welling up inside of her. Here it was, all the answers she’d been agonising over for the last two days. She was pregnant with Mark’s baby, Mark, who was on the other side of the galaxy, possibly believing her dead … all while she was captain of a solitary starship in unknown territory with a hundred and fifty people relying on her to get them home.

“Captain?”

“I’m going to be sick,” she managed to get out, before she made a mild dash for the bathroom, making it only in time. The Doctor joined her a few minutes later, rubbing her back and fetching her a glass of water, eventually guiding her gently to sit upon her bed. Kathryn drank, though her hand was shaking so much she almost spilled most of it.

“Was that pregnancy sickness or a reaction to the news I gave you?”

“Both, I think,” Kathryn replied, lifting one hand to her aching head. “I – I don’t know how to process this.”

“I understand. Finding out you’ve been pregnant for four years must be a daunting discovery,” he said, his tone so matter of fact Kathryn could have strangled him if she thought it would do anything to him. “I don’t believe the child’s development has been harmed in any way, though of course, I’d like to conduct further tests to make sure. According to the scans I made in sickbay, your body, and Ensign Wildman’s are both a bit of a hormonal playground at the moment. Your bodies are adjusting to being pregnant again, and you’re both likely to suffer the early effects of pregnancy a bit more severely than you would have done before as your body compensates. I can offer supplements and treatments to lessen your symptoms and ease your discomfort. That is, of course, should you both decide to continue with your pregnancies.”

_Should you decide to continue._ Kathryn didn’t know what she wanted right now. She was still trying to get her head around the fact that it was _here_ in the first place, let alone decide what she wanted to do with it.

“I think I should perhaps leave you to think about it, Captain,” The Doctor said, patting her hand kindly. “You’re still cleared of duty until the day after tomorrow. There’s no rush to decide anything. I’ll programme some medication for your replicator to relieve some of the morning sickness. Come and see me if you have any questions or want to discuss your options.”

Kathryn nodded, still a little numb. The Doctor stood up to leave. “I suggest you talk to someone about this, Captain,” he said, before he left. “Even if it’s not me. Someone you trust.”

Though privately thinking she wanted to hide all this for as long as she could, she nodded again.

“What about Ensign Wildman?” she asked suddenly, looking up at him. “What does she make of all this?”

“She was understandably shocked,” he said, smiling again, “but I think she was happy. I’ve asked her to keep quiet about it all for now. I didn’t tell her about you, but I did hint at there being another woman aboard in the same situation. She gave me leave to inform the captain about her pregnancy when I asked her. I doubt she’s connected the two women.”

The Doctor offered another smile before leaving. Kathryn fell back on her bed, lying flat on her back. Her hand came back to rest on her stomach again. She had a child growing inside her, _her_ child. The thing she’d often longed for, especially with Mark. Hadn’t they agreed to start trying for a child as soon as they were married?

But now … things were so different. She was stranded thousands of lightyears from home, the father of her child sundered from her, perhaps forever, travelling through an unknown and potentially hostile region of space. What sort of life would this be for a child, _two_ children? It was a huge commitment, and she didn’t know if she could do it alone without Mark, not while she had so many others counting on her. She didn’t _want_ to do it alone. Mark deserved to be part of this too.

The tears she’d been suppressing ever since she’d found out finally began to flow, and she found she couldn’t stop them. This was so desperately unfair. Mark would have been so thrilled to discover he was going to be a father, and now, he might never get the chance to know. And even if they did manage to return home one day, his child could be fully grown, he himself could have moved on with someone else and had other children, and then where would she be?

How could she be a mother and a captain on active duty at the same time? Where would the child go when she was on the bridge? What happened if they ran into more Borg? How would she ever be able to command the bridge in an emergency knowing there were two babies on board, one potentially asleep in her ready room? Most of the captains she’d ever known with children had taken extended leave or requested a planetary assignment until the child was a little older and then applied for command of a family ship. And all of them had had partners to share the burden. What was she supposed to do—order a member of her crew to babysit?

The tears kept coming as she cradled both her hands over her abdomen.

_What am I supposed to do?_

* * *

Chakotay knew his lingering outside the captain’s quarters had been noticed by a good proportion of the crew by now, but he couldn’t find it in him to care. No matter how long it took, he’d wait here for The Doctor to emerge, find out what was happening to Kathryn.

Seeing her like that had frightened him. She’d looked almost _afraid_ , and fear was not an emotion he associated with Kathryn Janeway. He couldn’t walk away and not know if she was going to be alright, so here he was, pacing up and down the corridor, nerves jangling.

The door finally opened, and Chakotay turned around so fast he could’ve given himself whiplash. The Doctor did not look surprised to see him but offered him a small smile.

“I cannot tell you any details, Commander,” he said immediately, stopping Chakotay in his tracks. “But I _can_ tell you, that there is nothing to worry about. I have solved my little mystery, and the captain will be perfectly fine with a few hyposprays to address her symptoms.”

Chakotay could have hugged him with relief. “She’s really okay?”

“Perfectly,” The Doctor said, and his smile grew wider. “She’s experienced a bit of … uh, emotional turmoil while she waited for answers, but physically, there’s nothing seriously wrong with her.”

“No alien interference? No danger?”

“None.”

Chakotay leaned against the bulkhead, surprising himself by just how relieved he was. Kathryn, he realised now more than ever, was so much more than just a captain to him. If there had been anything wrong …

“Can I see her?”

The Doctor glanced at the door doubtfully. “I think not tonight, Commander. She needs rest. Though, I recommend you continue to check in with her over the next few days. I suspect she might want to talk to you about it soon.”

Chakotay nodded, too reassured to know she was going to be okay to feel confused at whatever could have been troubling her for the moment. The Doctor adjusted some PADDs in his hand and deliberately obscured the fronts from Chakotay before moving to walk past him.

“She’s very lucky to have you as a friend, Commander,” The Doctor said as he passed, winking slightly. “Good evening.”

Chakotay remained where he was, staring at Kathryn’s door for a long time, wishing he could walk through and see if she really was alright for himself. Kathryn was possibly the closest friend he’d had in his life, yet, it still wasn’t close enough.

It was a long time before he could tear himself away from her door to head to his own quarters.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the bit of delay in uploading this. My country is once again in lockdown and I've had to once again adapt to being a virtual teacher, so I'm literally spending all my days and evenings recording lessons and prepping. Slowly going insane. Funnily enough, six year olds aren't as interested in identifying and using adjectives in sentences as I am ...

After what could only be described as an entirely restless sleep, Kathryn woke up the next morning with another queasy feeling in her stomach. Thankfully, this time, she managed to avoid throwing up, and fetching the prescribed hypospray from the replicator and applying it almost immediately seemed to dispel most of her sickness, and even some of the light-headedness. What it couldn’t do was assuage the tight knot in her stomach.

Hours upon hours she’d sat debating it with herself, even getting up at one point to write out a list of pros and cons to try and help her make sense of it all. Finally, her shock at the bizarreness of the circumstances of her pregnancy were now fading away and she was left to think a lot more clearly. Yet, despite the absence of the overwhelming disbelief, it was no easier to come to a solution.

But the tears of the previous night were over now. She was determined not to allow herself to waste away worrying about it. Her crew depended on her, and perhaps a new member did too now, and she had to start being proactive about it all. So, instead of wandering around her quarters all day, she got up, washed, dressed (in civilian clothes) and prepared to leave. As she pulled on her pants, she seemed to feel that they sat a little snugger than usual, or was that only because she knew the truth? A shiver went up her spine as she considered it, and she spent a long time before the mirror running her hand over her abdomen, wondering if it did perhaps protrude slightly. The longer she did this, the dizzier she felt as she thought of the implications, so with some effort, she pulled herself from this line of thinking, pulling on the rest of her clothes swiftly. Once dressed, she attached her comm badge and headed out of her quarters on the way to sickbay.

As she entered, The Doctor looked up and smiled. “Captain! How lovely to see you!”

Kathryn tried to smile back, but she’d become aware of the person standing over by one of the biobeds, who’d also looked up at her entrance. It was Tom, a couple of tricorders in his hand as he sorted through some of the emergency medkits located all around _Voyager,_ probably checking and replenishing their contents. He too smiled as he saw her.

“Glad to see you, Captain!” he said cheerfully. “The bridge hasn’t been the same without you.”

“Well, I’ll be back tomorrow, Lieutenant,” she said, attempting to be as cheerful in return. “I hope you haven’t been running too wild up there.”

“Oh no, ma’am, Chakotay runs a tight ship,” he said, depositing his tricorders into the final kits and closing the lids. “We’ve all been worried about you though. Are you feeling better?”

Kathryn stopped herself from wincing with difficulty. “Much better, thank you, Lieutenant. A couple day’s rest was all I needed.” She glanced at The Doctor, who was watching her warily. “I came to have a few words with The Doctor, if that’s alright.”

“Of course, Captain,” The Doctor enthused. He went over to where Tom was working and checked the kits. “Good work, Lieutenant. I’ll make a decent medic of you yet. Now, go and distribute these back where you found them for me. Then you can return to the bridge.”

Tom raised his eyebrows. “You’re getting rid of me that easily? After only an hour’s shift?”

“Do you want to stay longer?”

“No, no,” he said, holding his hands up and laughing slightly. “I’d much rather lay in course corrections than scrub petri dishes. Just surprised, is all.”

He gathered up the medkits, balancing them dangerously on top of each other and left, but not without casting a curious glance at Kathryn.

The Doctor waited until he was gone and then sealed the doors, inviting Kathryn to come in and sit down.

“What can I do for you, Captain?”

“I’m not sure what I want to do about it yet,” she said quickly, spilling it all out without hesitation. “It’s too much too quickly. I have no idea how I could raise a child and captain the ship at the same time, yet, terminating seems wrong somehow; Mark and I longed for a child one day, and I don’t want to throw away that dream so quickly, especially if I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other again. This could be all I have left of him.”

“True,” The Doctor said, listening sombrely. “As I said last night, Captain, there is no hurry. If you do decide to end the pregnancy, you still have plenty of time—several weeks in fact. Do not rush into this. I have added some counselling subroutines to my programme over the years. I can discuss everything with you if you need it.”

Kathryn nodded, twisting her hands in her lap. “Thank you. What I wanted to talk about right now was the baby itself. Are you sure it hasn’t been harmed by all the crazy things this crew’s been through the last four years? You said you should run further scans.”

“Indeed, and I can do them now if you like,” The Doctor said. When she nodded, he led her to the surgical bay and she lay down on the main biobed, more than a little nervous as The Doctor lifted up her top and placed some bioemitters on her abdomen, tapping some panels at the monitor beside the bed. Kathryn lay staring at the ceiling trying to keep her breathing steady and even. She wasn’t going to get emotional over this. She _wasn’t_.

“Everything looks fine so far,” The Doctor said, pressing a few buttons with a flourish. “A perfectly healthy eight week old foetus. There doesn’t seem to have been any harm done at all. I’ll review these in more detail later, but I don’t anticipate any problems.”

Kathryn sat up, hanging her legs over the side of the table, pressing her hand to her stomach. To her shame, she wasn’t sure whether she was pleased or disappointed at the news. If the child had not been healthy as a result of some exposure to deep space radiation, or other such thing, deciding whether or not to terminate may have been easier. _What’s wrong with me_ , she thought miserably to herself. _Was I actually hoping my child had some kind of defect?_

“Would you like to know the sex?” he asked. Kathryn’s head snapped up.

“You can tell this early?”

“Well, I can tell you which chromosomes the foetus has, if that’s any indicator of future gender. It’s in the DNA.”

Kathryn thought about it for the briefest of seconds before shaking her head. “No,” she said. “Not yet. Not until I … until I decide.”

It would be too hard, she decided, as she pulled her shirt back down to cover her abdomen. A son or a daughter was harder to terminate than just an ‘it’, a faceless foetus.

“I was wondering, Doctor,” she said, standing up and coming around to face him, determined to move on from this before she lost herself down this pit again. “If the compound the Caretaker injected us with could cause something like this to happen, is it possible there could be some other adverse consequences for the crew which have now come to light because of the inoculation?”

The Doctor frowned. “I suppose it’s possible. There may be other pregnant crewmembers, people with cancerous growths which temporarily stopped growing, that sort of thing. I’d need to run detailed medical scans. On everybody. That won’t be an easy task, but I think it might be necessary we do it as a precaution.”

“I’ll mention it in my staff meeting tomorrow,” she said, nodding slightly. “I don’t want any more surprises like this.”

“And will you be telling them of your own condition, Captain?” he asked, a touch of concern on his brow.

Kathryn imagined standing in front of her entire senior staff and telling them she was expecting a child. Telling Chakotay. The knot in her stomach tightened.

“Not yet,” she said, clasping her hands tightly together. “But I’ll tell them about Wildman, if she’s happy to share the news.”

The Doctor nodded. “It’s up to you of course,” he said. “But I recommend at least letting Commander Chakotay know. Whether you continue with the pregnancy or not, for the moment, you cannot deny that your health is being affected, and as first officer, he should be made aware.”

Chakotay was the one person on her senior staff she was the _most_ reluctant to tell. Standing in front of the man she’d started to have some rather inappropriate feelings for (feelings a part of her hoped he might return) and telling him she was now pregnant with someone else’s baby … it seemed wrong somehow. She’d rather tell Tuvok. At least she could trust he wouldn’t have an emotional reaction.

“I’ll consider it,” she said. She began to pace again, trying to push down her rising anxieties and remain calm. The Doctor watched her progress around the room.

“Captain, would you like me to prescribe you something to help you relax?” His face creased into one of sympathy. “This is not an easy decision to make, and as captain, you are already under a great deal of stress. I would hate for yours or the child’s health to be compromised.”

“I’ll be fine, Doctor,” she said, licking her lips nervously. She stopped right in front of him. “How long before I start to …”

“Show?” He smiled. “It varies for every woman, but with your body size, I’d say in about couple of months or so.”

“And how long before I have to decide if …”

“Longer. Up to 20 weeks.”

_20 weeks_. Kathryn looked down again, almost able to see how much of a bump she could have by then. Could she do it? Terminate her child because of the circumstances she found herself in? Would it be more of a kindness than to bring it into such an uncertain and dangerous environment?

“Captain, I really think it best we have a proper discussion about this,” he said, eyes narrowing as he took in her demeanour. “As I said, I’m qualified to advise you, and perhaps I can help you sort through your options. I’m always on the other end of a comm line.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” she said, genuinely grateful for his concern despite her own worries. “I’ll probably take you up on that offer at some point. But for now, I think it’s best I visit Ensign Wildman. Is she on duty?”

“No, she’s been experiencing some more severe symptoms. Like yourself, her body has once again been flooded with pregnancy hormones all at once and she’s having a bit of a rough time of it. She’s signed off today and tomorrow. I imagine she’ll be in her quarters. Her roommate is bunking with someone else.”

Kathryn thanked him and headed off through the corridors, walking fast to disguise her uncertainty. She passed several crewmembers on the way, each of whom stopped to greet her with a warm smile, all evidently having heard from the rumour mill that she was indisposed. She wondered how long it would take before news of the pregnancy broke.

The pressed the chime at Ensign Wildman’s quarters and waited. The woman herself appeared a moment later, eyes widening as she saw Kathryn.

“Captain! I—I wasn’t expecting—”

“At ease, Ensign,” Kathryn said, smiling as broadly as she could. “May I come in?”

“Of course!”

Wildman’s quarters were fairly small, though neat, and Kathryn could not help but wonder where she was going to be able to raise her child, especially with a roommate. Wildman gestured for her to sit down, perching herself on an opposing chair, hands folded within each other tightly.

“Would you like something to drink, Captain?”

“I’m fine, thank you, Ensign,” she said, taking in the young woman’s appearance carefully. Like Kathryn, she was out of uniform, and also like Kathryn, she looked a little paler than usual. It was clear she was nervous at having the captain in her personal quarters.

“I hear congratulations are in order, Ensign,” Kathryn said, allowing a genuine smile to break out on her face as she saw how Wildman’s eyes lit up at the subject.

“Oh, Captain, I’m thrilled,” she said, tears appearing at her eyes. “Shocked of course, but I’m so happy. We were trying for a child, and now to find out we’re having one when I’d given up hope, it’s incredible. I wish my husband was here of course, but the baby’ll be my part of him. The last part I have left.”

Kathryn’s heart ached a little as she saw her happiness. _Why can’t I be thinking that way? Why can’t I rejoice in having this one little piece of Mark with me so far from home?_

Wildman seemed to deflate slightly at the downturn in Kathryn’s expression. “Of course, I’ll keep working for as long as I can. I know _Voyager_ probably isn’t the most suitable place to raise a child, but I’m willing to try and make it work. I just couldn’t imagine it any other way. It’s like a miracle.”

“You’re right, it is,” Kathryn said, annoyed with herself for causing Wildman to be any less happy. “It is a miracle. It’s completely unbelievable. You’re very lucky. What are the odds?”

_Hypocrite_ , she told herself. _How can you tell her she’s lucky when you think this entire thing is the worst timing in the world?_

“I know, I can hardly believe it myself,” Wildman said, shaking her head. Her hand came up to rest on her abdomen, the same way Kathryn had found herself doing over the last few days.

“If you don’t mind me asking, Ensign,” Kathryn asked, eyes on that hand, consciously preventing herself from making the same gesture. “Don’t you have any doubts? Like you said, _Voyager’s_ hardly a suitable nursery, and you’d be trying to balance your duties and your child at the same time with no support from your husband. Aren’t you afraid?”

Wildman paused and frowned a little, as though she’d never considered it that way. “I guess a little,” she admitted. “But isn’t that the same for all new parents, at least in some way? The way I see it, the benefits outweigh the difficulties. Having my child, my husband’s child with me, is worth all the trouble in the world.” Then she smiled. “And besides, from what The Doctor says, it isn’t just me. It happened to someone else too. So I guess I won’t be completely alone. I just don’t know who it is yet.”

Kathryn flinched a little at that, and looked down at her hands, which she’d pressed tightly together. How she wished she could be so confident as this young Ensign. Instead, she was wracked with doubt so crippling she didn’t know how she’d ever come to a decision she was happy with. But, she knew she couldn’t do this alone, and she knew she couldn’t keep hiding from it.

“I know who it is, Ensign,” Kathryn said, quickly and before she could change her mind. She breathed in. “It’s me.”

Wildman gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “You?” She lowered her hand and began to smile again. “Congratulations, Captain!”

“That may be a little premature,” she said, mouth set in a grim line. “I’m not as firmly decided as you are. I don’t yet know if I’m prepared to do this or not.”

Wildman’s smile slipped a little. “Because you’re captain,” she said, nodding sadly. “You’re worried you can’t do both?”

“Perhaps,” Kathryn answered, her headache returning with a vengeance. She rubbed at her temple. “I’m not really sure what’s holding me back. A whole lot of reasons I think. Trying to juggle command is one, certainly. The Delta Quadrant being so full of hostile aliens is another. And there’s whether I want to try and do it without my fiancé here. For all I know he’s moved on from me by now, and the thought of turning up at his door, years from now, with this child and have to face the fact that he’s got his own new family is just too painful.”

Why she was spilling her heart out to an ensign, she wasn’t entirely sure, but Kathryn felt her voice wavering the longer she spoke. Wildman didn’t judge, but listened patiently.

“I’m sure he’d have a place in his heart for his child, even if he has moved on,” she said softly. “He must miss you.”

“And I miss him,” Kathryn said, pressing her hands together more tightly, looking down at them to stop herself from crying. “Or at least I used to. I realised these last couple days that I’ve barely thought about him recently. At first, it was too painful, but now, I think I’m just starting to forget. And that scares me. I don’t want to forget him. I loved him once. And having his child now, when things are so uncertain, when he can’t be a part of this, and when I’m not sure of what the future is for us … it’s all very confusing.”

Ensign Wildman was silent for a moment, before standing up and heading for her replicator. “Would you like that drink now, Captain?”

“Yes, thank you,” she said, smiling, despite her violent urge to cry. “I’d appreciate that.”


	6. Chapter 6

Kathryn stood staring at herself in her mirror for a long time, examining her uniform from every possible angle. She smoothed down her jacket multiple times, and saw clearly that it seemed as flat as ever, yet she couldn’t shake the feeling that her pregnancy was obvious, as if she’d be going into that meeting with a neon arrow hanging around her neck pointing directly at her stomach.

When it was five minutes before the meeting, she finally tore herself away. Thanks to some make-up she didn’t look as haggard as she had the last week or so, and The Doctor’s hypospray this morning had eased most of her nausea. She seemed like she was back to her normal self on the surface at least.

She quickly made her way out of her quarters and to the turbolift which would take her to the bridge. Her stomach was aflutter with nerves, though she wasn’t quite sure why. She’d been given Samantha’s permission to tell the senior staff about her pregnancy and she wasn’t planning on revealing her own as of yet. It was just a usual staff meeting where she’d brief them on a situation and issue orders. So why on earth were her hands shaking?

The second she stepped onto the bridge, Tuvok was ready.

“Captain on the bridge.”

She nodded to him as she entered and greeted the others too with as friendly a smile as she could muster. Chakotay was waiting in his own chair, and the moment he saw her he stood up, dark eyes drinking in her appearance, a soft smile tugging at his lips.

“Glad to have you back, Captain.”

“Good to be back,” she said, only half lying. She couldn’t deny it felt good to be back on the bridge. This was something she was confident in, where she felt comfortable, useful. She wasn’t a quivering emotional wreck when she was here. No, she was Captain Janeway, the woman who had faced down the Borg. She needed to be her again for a while.

“Are we ready for the briefing?”

“B’Elanna, Neelix, Seven and The Doctor are already inside. The rest of us are just waiting for you.”

“Well, let’s go then.”

The remainder of her senior staff followed as she led the way into the briefing room. Neelix grinned as she entered and issued a warm welcome back, and B’Elanna also offered a smile. Seven, as ever, was stoic and The Doctor just nodded.

Kathryn took her customary seat at the head of the table, grateful for the table blocking her abdomen from view, though she still tugged her uniform jacket down a little. She was being ridiculous but just couldn’t help it.

She began the meeting with the usual ship’s business, hearing departmental reports, including Chakotay’s account of his three days in command, which appeared to have been largely uneventful. B’Elanna spoke for a while about the backlog of maintenance in engineering, but fortunately for Kathryn’s stress levels, everything appeared to be moving steadily, if a little slowly. Kathryn focused intently on every detail, determined not to allow her mind to wander back to her own troubles. When B’Elanna had finished giving her evaluation of the warp field stability, she glanced to The Doctor.

“Thank you all for the way you’ve continued the smooth running of the ship in my absence,” she said, attempting a smile. “As you know, I’ve been feeling a little under the weather lately, and there is a reason for that, which The Doctor will now explain. We have reason to believe there may be a risk of further illnesses among the crew.”

Chakotay turned to look at her sharply for a moment before casting his eyes back to the Doctor. The EMH, puffed up his chest importantly at seeing he had everyone’s undivided attention.

“It all has to do with the Caretaker.”

“The Caretaker?” Tom made a face. “What’s he got to do with anything? That was four years ago.”

_Don’t I know it,_ Kathryn thought. She clasped her hands in her lap, fighting the urge to reach up and place one hand on her belly.

“When the Caretaker examined the crews of our two ships, he injected all of you with a biogenic compound,” The Doctor said. He glanced at B’Elanna and Harry. “It was this exposure to the compound which the two of you reacted so badly to. At the time, I believed you two to be the only ones affected. I was wrong.”

Chakotay frowned and glanced at Kathryn. “Are you saying more crew members could have contracted that illness?”

“Not that one exactly,” The Doctor said, “but the compound had a unique effect on your physiology, especially on Human or part-Human crew members. It was able to ‘freeze’ the growth and reproduction of certain cells within your bodies, keeping them almost in a state of suspended animation, as it were. There are any number of illnesses which the members of either crew could have been harbouring at the time but were simply frozen within their bodies.”

“What does this have to do with the Captain?” Tom asked.

“I’m getting to that,” The Doctor said, irritated. “When I synthesised the vaccine for the Kiroisian plague, I used an ingredient which effectively counteracted the Caretaker’s biogenic compound and caused the cells to ‘wake up’ again. Diseases and certain conditions which had been dormant for four years were suddenly able to come back to life, flooding the system with all manner of new material unexpectedly. This is what happened with the captain. A condition of hers, frozen four years ago, was unfrozen two weeks ago when she was inoculated and almost overwhelmed her. Fortunately, I was able to figure out what had happened and treat her.”

Most of the room was drinking in the Doctor’s every word, but Kathryn noticed Chakotay looking at her. Of course, he would be wondering what this ‘condition’ of hers was, but she wasn’t about to tell him that right now. She kept her eyes on The Doctor, looking for all intents and purposes that she was just as fascinated as the others.

“How were you able to determine what had happened?” Tuvok asked, raising an eyebrow. “It is not the most immediately obvious explanation.”

“The captain wasn’t the only one affected,” The Doctor said, beginning to smile. “Ensign Wildman also came to me displaying some pretty unusual symptoms. It was those which first put me onto the idea.”

“Is Sam alright?” Neelix asked anxiously.

“Perfectly.” The Doctor’s smile had now broadened. “She is going to have a baby.”

Kathryn waited for the reactions, hoping to perhaps get a sneak preview into how they might react to her own news. The old knot in her stomach returned.

“A baby.” B’Elanna stared at the Doctor. “Well, good for her. But ... what does that have to do with the Caretaker?”

“Wait a minute, Sam’s married,” Neelix said, frowning. “She’s always talking about her husband and how much she loves him. I wouldn’t have expected her to enter a relationship with someone else.”

“She didn’t,” Kathryn said, drawing attention back to her. She was momentarily annoyed with herself for bringing back those penetrating eyes, but tried to ignore it. “The child is her husband’s.”

Every single jaw dropped. Even Tuvok looked shocked, in his own way. Kathryn waited for them to begin to put it all together.

“But, does that mean she’s been pregnant for almost four years?” Harry asked her, completely nonplussed. “Without noticing?”

“Yes, it does, Ensign,” The Doctor said. “The pregnancy was so new at the time of her abduction by the Caretaker, she was unaware of it. When injected with the compound, the embryo was frozen in its development, and only began to resume growing two weeks ago.”

He launched intro further explanation of how exactly it all worked, and Kathryn zoned out a little. The faces around her were stunned, and she imagined what it would be like if she just had the courage to open her mouth and say: ‘ _Oh, and I’m pregnant too, by the way.’_ The twisting inside grew worse, and Kathryn almost felt like it was the baby itself, reminding her of its presence, asking why she was hiding it.

“That’s incredible,” Chakotay said, open mouthed. “Pregnant all this time without realising? It must have come as a shock.”

_You got that right_ , Kathryn thought, clenching her hands together.

“Is the baby alright?” Neelix asked. “This ship and its crew’s been through hell these last few years.”

“Mother and foetus are both doing excellently,” The Doctor announced happily. “She’s recovered from her surprise, and I’m sure, after a little rest, she’ll be ready to return to duty. The shock to her system was a little too much.”

“Amazing,” Tom said, exhaling. “That puts an end to the replicator ration pool on who’ll be the first to have a baby on board. Odds were in Crewman Perrok’s favour.”

“It is, but there’s also a darker side to this,” The Doctor said, expression growing more serious. “There are many medical conditions which could have been affected by this, and there’s also the possibility there are more pregnant crewmembers out there.” Kathryn deliberately looked away and focused on her fingernails. “I need to run intensive full physicals on every crewmember who was beamed aboard that array. This will be an extensive task, so I shall need the assistance of Mr. Paris, and possibly Seven of Nine as well with her knowledge of genetics. I expect to see all of you, with the exception of Mr. Neelix and Seven there. So far, only Ensign Wildman and the captain have cleared the physical.”

“And you’re alright, Captain?” Neelix asked, turning to her. “No lasting effects?”

“None, Neelix,” she said. “I’m back to normal.” _With the exception of the little person growing inside of me._

The meeting wrapped up pretty swiftly, with The Doctor issuing his instructions for everyone’s appointed times in sickbay and providing a schedule for each departmental head to distribute. Kathryn paid little attention, and barely noticed as people began to leave until she realised she was sitting alone with Chakotay. He was scrutinising her more closely than a sensor array.

“I’m fine, Chakotay,” she insisted, before he even opened his mouth. “I had a rough couple of weeks, but I’m on the mend now, thanks to the Doctor.”

“What was it that was wrong with you?” he asked, not missing a beat. His eyes focused on hers so intently she began to irrationally worry he was able to look right into her mind.

“Just a residual flu,” she said, hating the way the lie rolled off her tongue. “It went into overdrive when it reawakened and left me pretty defeated for a while. It’s gone now.”

He didn’t believe her, and she felt terrible. How was he always so good at seeing right through her? But still, the truth, for the moment, was still too confusing to discuss.

“I need to get back to some of those reports I was neglecting,” she announced, standing up swiftly. “I doubt you were able to get through them all. I’ll be in my ready room.”

Before he could call her back with another question, or look at her accusingly again, she swiftly left the room.

* * *

Chakotay watched her go, a gentle aching growing inside of him. Kathryn was lying to him, and she never did that. Was her condition worse than she was letting on? She certainly looked better but may just be the illusion of make-up. She’d been so quiet during the briefing.

He soon stood up and followed her from the room, taking his usual spot on the bridge, seeing that the others had already returned to their stations. B’Elanna was running some simulations at the engineering station and looked up as he entered.

“You okay, Commander? You seem pretty beat.”

“That’s what three days in command do to you,” he said lightly, lifting up a PADD and pretending to read. “I’m just glad the captain’s back.”

“She seems better,” B’Elanna agreed. “Crazy what that Caretaker did, huh? Can you imagine being Ensign Wildman right now? I’m half worried I’m going to go down to sickbay and find out _I’m_ pregnant.”

“No chance of that B’Elanna,” Chakotay said, glancing up from his PADD and smirking. “No one on my ship would have dared go near you.”

B’Elanna’s returning glare was a little softened by the amused quirk of her lips.

“Most people on this ship wouldn’t either,” Tom joked, lifting his head to look at her. “A fact for which I am eternally grateful.”

“I wonder who else might be pregnant and not know it,” Harry mused, leaning on his station. “Or who else might have been harbouring a disease all this time?”

“I for one am just grateful that The Doctor’s on it,” Tom said, inputting a new course correction. “Those tests the Caretaker ran on us never sat well with me. I’m glad the captain and Samantha are okay. Bodes well for the rest of us.”

_Yes_ , _if the captain_ is _okay_ , Chakotay thought, glancing at her empty chair. Somehow, he doubted that she was.

* * *

It had been a week. A whole week and Kathryn felt she was managing to hide it all pretty well. She appeared on the bridge for several hours a day, worked in her ready room, did everything she needed to, and didn’t seem to be arousing suspicion. Her figure was staying remarkably the same, though she had noticed an increasing tenderness in her breasts, which, thankfully, no one else would know about. This first literal sign of change in her body set her heart racing whenever she thought about it.

Of course, Chakotay was not fooled, and his eye fell on her exceptionally often as though trying to peer straight into her soul. She knew she wasn’t acting the same as she usually did. She was quieter on the bridge, less likely to draw attention to herself, but most did not seem to notice. The Doctor’s medications meant her headaches and nausea were mostly under control, though a couple of times she had had to excuse herself abruptly to head to her ready room when an oncoming wave of sickness threatened to engulf her. Chakotay’s eye followed her on each of these occasions, far too acute for her liking.

The Doctor was far more direct in his approach.

“You are not looking after yourself, Captain,” he scolded her, as she sat on a sickbay biobed for a check-up. “I know you’re still uncertain if you wish to proceed with this pregnancy, but for the moment, you should act as if you do. You need to sleep more, eat more of the right things, and for goodness sake cut back your hours.”

“How am I supposed to do that, I’m the captain!”

He raised an eyebrow. “Exactly, so delegate!” He sighed in frustration as he ran another tricorder over her. “Your stress levels are very high captain. Cut back your hours or I will make it an order.”

“Fine,” she grumbled, ceasing her arguments as he continued his examination. It was easier than having him pop up to the bridge and start acting suspiciously and raising questions. Having him appear on the bridge at random times this last week had been easily explained away by his need to deliver status updates on the physical exams of the crew, which had all thankfully been clear of everything except some minor bugs. But now they were over, people, and by people she meant Chakotay, would wonder why the chief medical officer was visiting their captain so much.

The Doctor moved away to programme her some nutritional supplements, and as he did, Kathryn raised her hand to her stomach, as she always did now. She pressed hard, still partially unable to believe there was a child in there, alive, thanks to her. It still felt so distant from her.

“Are you any closer to a decision, Captain?” The Doctor asked, as he returned with a few hyposprays which he began to administer.

She shook her head. “No,” she admitted. “I’ve thought about it almost every minute of every day and I still don’t know. Samantha’s been great, a real ear to listen, but she’s so happy at the thought of her child, and me … well, I haven’t found it possible to be happy about it yet.” She removed her hand from her stomach. “Perhaps that suggests I just don’t have it in me to be a mother.”

“Nonsense,” The Doctor chided, frowning. “What do you every day but look after this crew, see to their needs, make them feel valued and cared for? If you can look after a child half as well as you do this crew, you’ll be an excellent mother.”

“Some of my crew have died, Doctor,” she said, lifting her head and looking at him miserably. “I couldn’t save everyone. Would it be fair to bring a child into this world only to have him or her be assimilated by the Borg, or harvested by the Vidiians?”

“You’ve never allowed risk to stop you doing something before,” The Doctor observed. “You’ve put yourself and others in danger many times for the greater good. You don’t back down from a challenge, Kathryn Janeway. You never have.”

He moved away, allowing her to fasten up her uniform jacket once more as she pondered his words. He was right in a way. Bringing Chakotay and the other Maquis on board was a huge risk, but one she was grateful she had taken each and every day. Despite the danger they were all in every day, she couldn’t imagine life on board without being surrounded by her crew. They all knew the risks of being out here and took them willingly to try and get home.

But then, a child had no choice in the matter. Was it merely selfish to bring them into the world to give her one last link to Mark and disregard their own potential safety? What life would there be on board? Her child could end up spending its whole life aboard this ship.

_“Seven of Nine to Janeway.”_

Kathryn sighed, hitting her comm badge. “Go ahead.”

_“Please report to astrometrics immediately.”_

Kathryn slid off the bed and smoothed her jacket over her stomach. She shrugged at the Doctor.

“Duty calls.”

_As it always will_ , she couldn’t help but think as she left.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some dialogue in this chapter is taken or adapted from Season 4 Episode 15 “Hunters”. My intention in this fic is to skip over most canon events with only a brief mention unless there's any substantial difference. In this one, I just felt I needed to use the full thing as I've put a different slant on it.

Kathryn sat numbly in the chair in her ready room, the letter from Mark slipping from her hands to fall on the floor. The excitement of the past few days, of discovering the ancient relay system and sending the Doctor’s programme through it to the Alpha Quadrant, only to then begin to receive messages from home had seemed to be leading up to this, her first contact with her fiancé in four years. And as she had read it she had felt every last ray of hope be blasted from her body.

There it was, in black and white, the words she had been dreading. _He’s moved on. He’s married someone else_.

She clasped her hands together as if praying, fighting the trembling which was overcoming her. Why was she in the least shocked? She’d known this was the likely outcome, she’d prepared for it. Yet there was there something so final about seeing it written down. _Married_. He’d actually gotten _married_. And only four months ago! If only they’d gotten to this relay station faster, she could have gotten a message to him and … and what? He would’ve left this woman he works with to come back to her?

Kathryn felt the tears coming and did not even attempt to try and stop them. She hadn’t really realised until this moment all that she was losing. She’d loved him for so long, he’d been such a huge part of her life, the biggest personal motivator for her in the early days of _Voyager’s_ journey home. The idea of him was almost as strong as the love she had felt when she had been with him.

The words she’d said to Samantha came back to her. She’d stopped thinking about him over the years, a part of her giving up on him in the same way he’d given up on her. Another part of her had clung on, using him as some sort of security to prevent her pursuing anything with someone new. Now that had been ripped away. She was alone.

Well, not totally alone.

Through the tears shuddering through her body, she pressed one hand to her abdomen, holding on more tightly than she ever had before. At almost eleven weeks, there was a definite slight swell to her belly now, though still easily disguised beneath her uniform. A belly which was continuing to grow to accommodate a baby she was not even sure she wanted to keep yet.

And how could she keep it now? Mark had filled her thoughts of the last few weeks more fully than he had in the last four years as she’d thought about this baby, wondering how he’d react when he found out the news, whether the baby would look like him, whether there was still any possible hope they could be the happy family she’d always pictured. But all of those precious imaginings had been cruelly shattered. She was alone, thousands of lightyears from her family, pregnant with the child of a married man she’d possibly never see again. And that was before you added in her stressful and often dangerous job.

She’d said it often enough over the weeks. This child was the last part of Mark she had. She hadn’t appreciated just how true that was until now. Kathryn bent over, almost resting her head on her knees, hand still against her belly, seeking out that connection with a desperation that shocked her. What sort of choice was this? Have the baby, and have that reminder of Mark with her always, with all the bittersweet memories, or end the pregnancy and lose what little she had of him, but not have to be constantly reminded of what she had lost. Her choice had never before seemed so difficult.

Kathryn sat back up after several minutes, weak with the tears she’d shed. She removed her hand from her stomach and rested it lightly on her lap. She felt emptier somehow, despite the new life growing inside her. She was no longer pregnant with her fiancé’s child; that had at least sounded safe, respectable. She didn’t know what she was anymore. A lonely starship captain with no friends who didn’t call her ma’am, no family within comm distance, no father for her child. It was her worst fear realised. Mark had his new family. What use did he have for them now?

Kathryn sat there so long her tears dried on her cheeks, her throat stopped burning and all the life went out of her. She couldn’t have said how much later it was when there was a chiming at her ready room door.

Jerked out of her melancholy, she scrubbed her face and tried to make herself look presentable. The door swished open and Chakotay entered, looking down at a PADD.

“Looks like Tuvok and Seven pulled it off. The containment field has stabilised quite a bit. B'Elanna says she's downloading the letters much more easily now.”

“That’s good news,” Kathryn managed to say, trying to smile. Chakotay opened his mouth to respond as he looked up and paused, staring at her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn said, standing up swiftly and heading towards her replicator to avoid looking at him. “I've learned a few interesting things about that relay station. It's generating as much energy every minute as a typical star puts out in a year.”

“Kathryn.”

Kathryn sighed, knowing she could not fool him. She tapped her replicator. “Ginger tea, hot.”

The whirring replicator announced the arrival of the beverage and she lifted it into her hands and took a sip before turning around to face Chakotay. His face was lined with concern.

“What’s happened?”

She pressed her lips tightly together and crossed the room to sit down by her window. Without invitation he came to join her. As he walked, he trod on the PADD Kathryn had allowed to fall to the floor. Her breath hitched as Chakotay picked it up. His eyes narrowed, and he passed it to her without looking at it. He sat beside her, glancing at the PADD which she’d laid face down behind her.

“Did you get bad news from home?”

Kathryn couldn’t stop herself from flinching and took another long draught of her tea before sitting it down on the coffee table. Damn, she missed coffee. But The Doctor had banned it from her replicators, even decaf, blaming it for the worst of her headaches and claiming it was bad for the baby. _Mark’s baby_. The one she didn’t know if she wanted without him.

“You could say that,” she said, choosing her words carefully. She looked down at her hands to avoid looking into his far too gorgeous eyes, knowing she might cry if she did. What was _wrong_ with her? How could she be mourning the loss of Mark and still be admiring Chakotay in that way?

“Do you feel like telling me?”

Kathryn sighed, twisting her fingers in her lap. Her ring finger was conspicuously bare. She couldn’t even remember when she’d stopped wearing her engagement ring. Had that been when she’d given up on him? Why did she feel so torn apart now then?

“It’s nothing like the bad news you’ve had to deal with today,” she said, shrugging. “No one’s dead, or dying. You’ve lost so many people all at once. I shouldn’t be complaining.”

“Bad news is relative,” Chakotay said, coming a little closer. “Don’t compare your sufferings to someone else’s. If it’s important to you, it matters.”

Kathryn kept staring down at her knees, wondering if she dared broach this subject with him, how far she dared tell him the truth. Already, some of her mixed up emotions were beginning to calm down, as they always did just by his mere presence.

“Who was the letter from?”

Deciding to take the plunge, Kathryn drew a deep breath.

“It was from Mark, the man I was engaged to.”

Beside her, she could almost see Chakotay’s muscles tensing. He said nothing and let her continue on.

“He told me about the litter of puppies my dog had, and how he found homes for them. How devastated he was when _Voyager_ was lost. How he held out hope we were alive longer than most people did until he realised that he was clinging to a fantasy. So he began living his life again. Meeting people, letting go of the past. About four months ago, he married a woman who works with him. He's very happy.”

Her voice managed to hold out for the entirety of this speech, even as her heart continued breaking. A pain had grown in her stomach, almost as if it was pain of the baby itself, grieving the loss of the perfect family unit it could have had in a different world, a world where she would have had no need to go gallivanting off into the Badlands searching for a renegade Starfleet officer. They’d have been married by now, their child now a toddler.

“How do you feel about that?”

Kathryn almost laughed aloud. Laughed or cried, she didn’t know which. How did she feel? Like her world was falling apart. She could no longer delude herself into believing Mark would be patiently sitting at home waiting for her and their child to welcome back into his life.

“Well, I knew he'd eventually move on with his life. I just— I didn’t appreciate how it’d feel to hear it. It’s not as if it’s a shock.”

“But it still hurts.”

She nodded, fighting back the burning sensation in the back of her throat. “Yes, it still hurts.”

Chakotay didn’t say anything, but simply reached out and drew her hands into his and held them securely, squeezing gently. They were so warm, so large and comforting nestled around her small ones, Kathryn just stared at them, wondering just how it was possible this man could inject so much warmth into her soul by a simple touch.

“Kathryn, look at me.”

It was a moment before she could. When she looked up, she could have wept at the gentle look of understanding there was in his eyes, the softness of his features. It looked like his own heart was breaking for her.

“It’s okay to be upset. You don’t have to be the tough as old nails captain all the time. You’ve had something precious torn away from you.”

She tried to shrug a little, brush it off to stop the intense sympathy she could see on his face. “It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances. It made me realise that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else.”

“You don't have that safety net any more.” Chakotay offered a small smile, and there was something about the way he said those words which made Kathryn’s heart leap slightly.

“That's right,” she said, trying to lighten the mood a little. “Then again, my life is far from uneventful here in the Delta Quadrant. It's not like I would have had a chance to pursue a relationship, even if I had realised I was alone.”

Chakotay’s hands around hers tightened a little.

“You're hardly alone, and to my way of thinking, there's still plenty of time.”

Kathryn felt her resolve breaking the longer he sat there looking at her like that, his hands over her own. If only what he said was true. How could she pursue a relationship in her position, especially since the only one she’d ever thought about was him, her subordinate? And that’s without factoring in the child. _Alone_. Didn’t he see that’s exactly what she was? The captain on a ship of subordinates, always removed from the others, never truly one of them. And now even more so, faced with the possibility of raising a child alone.

To her embarrassment, she felt water building behind her eyes and she looked away hurriedly before she could begin weeping as pathetically as she had been doing before he’d come in. She couldn’t succumb in front of him. If she did, she’d be clutching his uniform and crying like a baby within minutes. She had to be stronger than that.

“You really love him, don’t you?”

Chakotay’s question caught her off guard and she looked back, surprised by the new emotion which had taken over his eyes.

“I did,” she said, voice barely more than a whisper. “But it’s over now.”

He nodded, expression turning guarded. His hands went a little tighter still as he examined her face a little more closely, eyes roaming across her frame, subconsciously making her suck in her tummy, until they fell to the cup of tea on the table.

“What’s going on with you lately, Kathryn?” he asked gently, still staring at it. “You’re so distant, so sad all the time. You’re drinking _tea_.”

For a moment, she considered telling him, but something held her back. She didn’t think she could bear to see any more sympathy from him, or worse, judgement, as she told him how conflicted she was about her own child.

“I’m fine,” she said, and she thought she saw the tiniest flicker of annoyance cross his features for a moment. But he could not press her with more questions, for at that moment, Harry called them through to the bridge to tell them about a distress signal from Tuvok’s shuttle.

Immediately, the heartbroken pregnant woman transformed into the battle-hardened captain, and she strode out onto that bridge without a trace of fear, pushing all of this down to deal with another time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone's comments! KJ is going through a tough time, and this is the chapter where everything finally seems to be too much for her. Hope you enjoy!

Kathryn squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, pulling down her uniform jacket self-consciously, hoping no one else on the bridge was looking too closely. At thirteen weeks now, she knew she was starting to show. No one else had said anything, so perhaps it was her own paranoia and obsessive examinations of herself in the mirror every morning and evening, but her uniform was definitely starting to feel a little tighter. It didn’t help that Starfleet uniforms were so close fitting.

Samantha wasn’t showing at all yet, which was Kathryn’s only real comparison, though she was only a week behind. But Samantha was taller and broader to begin with, it was less obvious on her. Her late night chats with the ensign were now some of the only things keeping Kathryn sane these days as they compared symptoms and discussed their tentative future as mothers on board ship. Kathryn could still not say she had come to a definite decision yet, but talking through things with Sam made it feel slightly less daunting, though not completely encouraging. If only she too were just an ensign and could afford to cut back on shifts. And if only she could forget her mixed up and confused feelings about Mark.

Kathryn could not count the times she’d read and reread his letter, desperately hoping each time something would change. More than ever she regretted having told The Doctor not to mention her pregnancy to Starfleet when he was sent through the relay station. He’d managed to inform Sam’s husband, and she had received a heart-warmingly beautiful letter from him through the data stream expressing his joy at the news of her survival and of their child. If she had had The Doctor tell Mark, would her letter have been different? Would he have written something as poignant as that? Or would it have changed nothing?

“Captain!”

She jumped as she heard Chakotay’s voice at her side. She looked at him, surprised to see him frowning.

“You were a million lightyears away just now,” he said, looking concerned.

_Not a million_ , she thought sadly. _Just about sixty thousand._

“Did you need something, Commander?”

“We’re approaching that planet we were told about by the freighter we ran into last week,” he told her. “The one with the deuterium?”

“Oh, of course,” she said, shaking herself out of her daydreaming. She forced herself to focus, noticing that Harry and Tom were both casting curious glances in her direction. “Tom, bring us into standard orbit. Harry scan and see if you can find that trading outpost they mentioned and hail them. It was on the northern continent I believe they said.”

Her crew leapt into their well practiced roles and got right down to business carrying out instructions. As they did so, Chakotay leaned in a little closer so they did not hear.

“Are you alright?”

“Of course,” she said, shooting him a quick smile. “Just lost in thought for a moment.”

As she usually expected from him now, he did not look convinced. He could see through her so easily. Over the last couple of weeks he’d sought her out more, tried to talk to her, but she kept finding excuses to be away from him, unnerved at the possibility she might spill everything to him. She didn’t want to tell him yet, not until she was certain. She ignored the niggling part of her brain (which spoke with the Doctor’s voice) that told her she should just confide in him. When had he not offered her good advice? Perhaps speaking to him was the final step she needed to finally decide if she wanted to go through with this. Yet, the thought of talking to him about something so personal, talking about Mark, seemed so deeply uncomfortable she wanted to avoid it for as long as possible. Conversations such as these were likely to end in pregnancy hormone fuelled emotional outbursts, and she couldn’t afford to let down her guard like that.

And besides, he and so many others on the crew were still mourning the loss of friends and family members in the Dominion attacks. Her own worries seemed trivial by comparison. She needed to just get a grip of herself.

The doors to the turbolift opened and both Seven and B’Elanna entered the bridge, taking their stations and activating their panels.

“Our deuterium levels really are dangerously low, Captain,” B’Elanna warned, accessing her information from the engineering station. “From what I can see of the scans, this facility can provide us with just what we need to last us for some time.”

“This outpost is manned by members of Species 3267,” Seven informed them, looking at her own monitors. “They call themselves the Gabari. They are not a greatly intelligent species, but they are known for being honest. They have a very strict moral code. If they find us to be lacking, they will take great offence and likely refuse to trade with us.”

“Then let’s be on our best behaviour,” Kathryn said, sitting up a little straighter. “I don’t think B’Elanna can get any more out of those engines without some more deuterium.”

“Entered standard orbit, Captain,” Tom announced.

“Captain,” Tuvok called, looking over his scans. “There appears to be a heavy concentration of a mutagenic pathogen in the planet’s atmosphere. It could prove hazardous to life.”

“The Gabari seem to be doing okay,” Harry said, frowning as he examined his own. “Looks like there’s quite the colony down there.”

“Maybe they’re naturally immune,” Chakotay mused. “It doesn’t look good for us trying to head down there to trade. He hit his comm badge. “Chakotay to The Doctor.”

_“Go ahead, Commander.”_

_“_ We’re picking up high concentrations of a biological agent in this planet’s atmosphere. We need you up here to have a look at it and determine whether it’s safe.”

“ _Understood. I’ll be there in a moment.”_

Kathryn allowed her eyes to roam over the planet. It appeared almost entirely purple from orbit, which she found very intriguing. Just how much of this agent was in their atmosphere, and why?

“Could it be the remnants of biological warfare?”

“Possibly,” Seven replied. “The species has had many long conflicts in its history.”

“What else can you tell us?” Chakotay asked, half turning his head to look at her. “You said they’ve got a strict moral code?”

“Indeed,” she said, sounding entirely disinterested. “They can take offence quite easily, and have a strict set of procedures which must be followed exactly or risk the displeasure of their deities.”

“I hope they’ve got an instruction manual,” B’Elanna said darkly. “If they’re so strict and we mess something up, we’re not going to be able to survive much longer with these deuterium reserves.”

The Doctor arrived on the bridge and joined Seven at the science station, frowning as he took in the details of the pathogen. Neelix wandered in with him, looking intrigued, possibly eager to offer his expertise in trading should the need arise.

“Very deadly,” he observed, looking over the scans. “But shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Starfleet has encountered worlds such as this one. The landing party must have their immune system bombarded with analeptic radiation in order to protect them while they’re on the planet’s surface.”

“Bombarded with radiation?” Tom asked, turning around to look at him wide eyed. “I hope _I’m_ not on this landing party.”

“Captain, I’ve located the trading post,” Harry informed her. “They’re responding to our hail.”

“On screen,” Kathryn ordered, and immediately the image of an older man appeared before her, dressed in plain but sturdy looking overalls. He was humanoid, with two very subtle ridges on his forehead.

“Greetings, travellers. I am Mohrot, manager of this facility. How may I help you?”

He seemed friendly enough, and Kathryn allowed herself to smile slightly. “Greetings, Mohrot. I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship _Voyager._ We were informed we may be able to trade some deuterium here. Our supplies are extremely low.”

“You’ve come to the right place, Captain!” he cried, grinning broadly. “We have deuterium galore. What have you to trade in return?”

“What is it you require?” she asked, feeling herself grow a touch more at ease. “We don’t have much, but I’m sure there’s something we can arrange.”

“Well, we’re rather lacking in medical supplies, Captain,” he said, glancing at a monitor in front of him. “Have you any of that to spare?”

Kathryn looked to The Doctor, who nodded. “That sounds agreeable, Mr. Mohrot. Will you allow a small landing party to venture to your trading post to discuss terms?”

“Of course, but you may have noticed a small problem with our atmosphere.” He looked apologetic. “Forgive us, but our ancestors were a bit too lackadaisical with their biological weapons. For us, and for most species we trade with, we’ve discovered that treatment with analeptic radiation before coming down usually neutralises the pathogen quite nicely. I, however, am ignorant of your species’ needs.”

“Our Doctor suggested the same thing,” she said. “It shouldn’t prove a problem.”

“Excellent!” Mohrot beamed at her. “Gabari hospitality is renowned in this sector, Captain. Please, you must allow me to welcome your landing party in proper style, with the traditional breaking of bread and libation to Palato, our most revered Holy One.”

Kathryn turned her head quickly to Seven, who nodded slowly and surely. If it was up to her, she’d take the deuterium and be on her way, but who was she to pass up potentially making some new friends in this sector? If adhering to their social rituals would get her that deuterium and a possible new ally, so be it.

“Very well, Mr. Mohrot. I shall prepare my landing party as soon as possible and send them down to you.”

“Ah,” he said, smiling a little more awkwardly. “I’m afraid, the customs of my people will not allow me to trade with only subordinates, Captain. I must insist that you yourself be a member of the landing party.”

Kathryn hid her sigh with difficulty. Traipsing around an old trading post was not her idea of how she wanted to spend her afternoon, especially considering how nauseated she was feeling right now as the Doctor’s morning hypospray began to wear off.

“If you insist, Mr. Mohrot. I shall join my people on the surface.”

Chakotay turned to look at her then, and she heard the protest on his lips before he voiced it.

“If it’s the only way to get the deuterium, what’s the harm?” she muttered to him quietly. “It’s not like I’ve never led a landing party before now.”

Chakotay did not look happy, but he seemed to acquiesce. She’d come to discover he was one of those old fashioned sorts of first officers who would rather their captains be tied to their chair than ever tempted onto a landing party.

“Um, excuse me!” Kathryn turned to stare as The Doctor came forward from his position at the back of the bridge and began to address the alien. “Forgive me, but is that really necessary?”

“What are you doing, Doctor?” she hissed, worried he was about to mess up their trade deal with some major faux pas.

The Doctor ignored her and kept staring at Mohrot, who looked really rather taken aback at being addressed thus.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I mean, is it strictly necessary for the captain to be a member of the party?” The Doctor continued, ignoring Kathryn’s quiet warnings to get out of the way. “It isn’t part of _our_ custom, you see. It’s usually considered essential for the captain to remain on board the ship.”

Mohrot’s friendly demeanour was beginning to slip. “I’m afraid our social laws are extremely specific. I must trade with an equal, not a subordinate.”

“Doctor, get back to sickbay, now,” Kathryn ordered, voice dangerously low. “Do not interfere.”

Again, he ignored her.

“I’m afraid it will be impossible for our captain to leave the ship. Can you not trade with the first officer instead? Or could you beam aboard?”

“What are you doing?” B’Elanna glowered at him from across the bridge. “You’re going to ruin everything. We _need_ that deuterium.”

The Doctor glanced at B’Elanna and then at Kathryn, hesitating slightly, before turning back to Mohrot.

“If your captain is not in the landing party, there is no trade,” Mohrot said, the genial tone of before replaced by a clipped severe one. “And negotiations must take place on the surface to pay tribute to our Holy Ones. Those are our terms.”

“Our captain cannot be part of that landing party,” The Doctor said, frowning slightly and flicking his eyes between the two of them. “I’m afraid I cannot allow her to be bombarded with analeptic radiation.”

Kathryn’s angry retort died in her throat as she began to understand what The Doctor was doing. The radiation. She couldn’t undergo the treatment. Not in her condition. Panic flared in her breast as she realised what an impossible situation she now found herself in. Risk harming the child to get deuterium, or keep the child safe and doom her crew to drift in space indefinitely. Her decision seemed to be being forced on her right now, and in front of her entire senior staff.

“Why not, Doctor?” Chakotay asked, completely bewildered, looking between the two of them. “You said it was safe.”

Kathryn went rigid in her chair. Was this it? The moment she was finally exposed? Forced to choose between her child and her crew? She closed her eyes tightly. Why hadn’t she made this decision weeks ago? Her crew needed that deuterium or they were dead in the water. It was becoming hard to breathe as her mind raced with arguments and painful images. She felt like being sick, and this was nothing to do with the pregnancy. Everything was piling up on her worse than it ever had before. She was tired of this, desperate to escape and go back to the way things were before that damn plague had swept the ship and she’d discovered the truth. She was ready to give in entirely.

“If I need to go to the planet, I’ll go,” she heard herself saying, opening her eyes slowly. The fight had gone out of her. She was sick of pretending everything was alright.

“You cannot,” The Doctor said immediately, looking horrified at the idea. “Captain—”

“If it’s the only way we can get deuterium, then I have to,” she said, in that same flat tone of voice of before. Chakotay, who had been looking in confusion at the Doctor now turned to her, an expression of alarm in his eyes at her tone. Even to Kathryn, it didn’t seem like her voice. She never thought she’d ever sound so defeated.

“What on earth is so important that she stay on board the ship?” Mohrot asked, patience well and truly spent.

“Nothing!” B’Elanna tried to intervene, glaring at the Doctor. “She’ll be there.”

“She will not,” The Doctor insisted, glaring back at her.

“Doctor, don’t make me delete your programme—”

“I’m afraid our captain recently suffered from a debilitating illness,” The Doctor shouted over the top of B’Elanna’s snarl, practically pleading with the alien. “Analeptic radiation will prove harmful to her.”

Chakotay’s expression of alarm grew worse and he looked straight at Kathryn, hand clutching his armrest. “Is that true?” he demanded.

Kathryn ignored him and focused on the alien instead. There was a pain inside her, an emptiness which was eating her alive. Her own life suddenly seemed less important. Hadn’t that always been the way? A captain’s life for her crew’s? Why had that changed now? This child was already affecting her job and it wasn’t even born yet. She fought her own growing nausea and spoke as numbness swept over her.

“If you require me to be there, I will be,” she said tonelessly, in that same voice which didn’t seem like her own.

“The hell you will,” Chakotay scowled. “You’re not going anywhere that’s harmful to you.”

“Last I checked, I was the captain, not you, Chakotay, and certainly not you, Doctor,” Kathryn said, not looking at either of them.

“Captain, you cannot undergo the procedure,” The Doctor said, turning to face her, eyes widening slightly. “It would be extremely injurious. I refuse to administer it.”

“Refuse?” she repeated. “Consider it an order, Doctor.”

“May I remind you, Captain, that I outrank you in medical matters?” The Doctor insisted, brow furrowed. “And as chief medical officer, I am _ordering_ you to remain on board this ship.”

Kathryn stared at him for a moment. She should feel anger, she thought. But she couldn’t. she’d seemed to lost the ability to feel much right now. Everything was slipping away.

Chakotay was watching her closely, and the rest of the bridge staff were also looking around in bewilderment, heads swivelling between the Doctor and the Captain like they were at a tennis match, eyes wide, evidently unsure who would win this standoff.

The tense silence was broken by Mohrot who had been watching with an increasing expression of displeasure.

“This is unacceptable,” he said. “Petty bickering! Such manners would not be seen on Gabar. Yet, I am still willing to be reasonable here. If the radiation is harmful to your captain, we can figure something out. A negotiation from orbit perhaps, while your crew visits to pay the proper respects to our Holy Ones.”

“Thank you,” The Doctor said, practically sagging with relief. “That’s all I wanted.”

“I must confess however, I do not see how this radiation can possibly be harmful,” he said, shaking his head. “It is used in medical practices all across this sector. We have never encountered problems before.”

“You have never encountered our species before, Mr. Mohrot,” Chakotay said, seeing that Kathryn was not up for saying anything. “If our Doctor says it is harmful, it must be.”

“I do not believe it,” he said, looking highly sceptical. “The radiation is harmless. The only people it could possibly harm are the extremely old, which your captain does not seem to be.”

Then Mohrot’s facial features contorted into something a great deal less pleasant than before as a look of dawning comprehension came into his pale eyes.

“The very old …” he said, eyes widening, “… or the extremely young. In particular, the unborn _._ Pregnant women _.”_

That was it. Kathryn felt the last desperate shreds of her hope fade away. It was out now. She could no longer hide from it. No longer deny it. The numbness was now complete.

The second of silence on the bridge lasted unbearably long for Kathryn. She stared straight ahead the entire time, eyes locked on Mohrot, expression not changing in the slightest. She did not attempt to confirm nor deny his implication. What was the point? Her deceit had caught up to her.

“You’re wrong,” Chakotay was saying at her side, and if Kathryn had been capable of feeling anything, her heart would have spasmed in pain at the tone of hurt confusion she heard there in his voice. “She—she’s not …”

He trailed off as he looked into Kathryn’s face. She heard his sharp intake of breath but did not stop looking at Mohrot. His unpleasant expression was now twisting into something truly vile.

“Are you married, Captain?”

Kathryn stared back into his suddenly cold eyes.

“What does that have to—”

“ _Are you married?”_ Mohot’s eyes had widened, exposing green veins crisscrossing them. The pleasant man of before now looked quite mad.

“No, I’m not,” she answered.

Mohrot looked at her with sheer contempt, upper lip curling in disgust.

“And yet you are with child?”

Kathryn breathed in and out before answering. Despite her numb state, there was a crushing sensation beginning to make itself known somewhere in her chest. No pain, just dead weight.

“Yes.”

There were a few more soft gasps from around the bridge as those who had as yet still been unbelievers heard the unequivocal truth directly from her. She did not look at them.

Mohrot actually averted his eyes from her, wrinkling his nose.

“Immoral women are censured on our world,” he spat. “We do not do business with people such as you.”

The next second the comm link had cut out, leaving a view of the purplish planet from orbit. Kathryn stared at it a few seconds. How had everything gone wrong so quickly?

No one on the bridge dared speak. Kathryn found it was difficult to try and move from her chair. But she needed to. She needed to escape this room. A heat was rising around her, making it unbearably hot and difficult to breathe.

“Captain—” The Doctor had finally broken the silence. “I apologise. But I could not allow the procedure. The potential danger to both you and your child—”

Kathryn cut him off by standing swiftly, ignoring the rush of dizziness she experienced, breathing deeply through her nose. She wasn’t quite sure how she had the energy to be standing right now.

Without saying a word to anyone, without even looking at anybody, she slowly crossed the bridge and entered her ready room, silence following every step. Once inside, she headed for the seats by the window and collapsed into one.

The numbness surrounding her seemed to collapse, and her entire body began to shake as the crushing weight in her chest turned to pain all at once. Her left hand covered the slight swell at her midriff as the pain consumed her.

_Everyone knows. You can’t hide from it anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple of chapters all follow on directly from this one so I'll try and update them quite quickly!


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay had never known the bridge to be so silent. Even the gentle thrum of the engines appeared to have been muted. It seemed to last an eternity, though in reality perhaps only a minute. Chakotay was too much in shock to register the passage of time.

_Kathryn is pregnant._

It was a crazy, ridiculous idea at first, and yet … it all made perfect sense. Her mysterious illness, her strange moods, the lack of drinking coffee, the nausea he knew she experienced … it was all so obvious now. How could he have missed it?

He could tell by the gobsmacked expressions on the faces of the other bridge crew that he was not the only one who had been completely caught off guard. At least, all but one. The Doctor simply looked grave. Of course, he had known all about it.

“It’s true?” Chakotay managed to say finally, looking up at the Doctor at his position on the side of the bridge. “She’s pregnant?”

The Doctor hesitated, glancing at the ready room door for a moment. He seemed to realise it was all out in the open now anyway, for he turned back and nodded.

“Yes, it’s true. Thirteen weeks.”

Chakotay exhaled. He could hardly believe it. How could she have kept something like this secret? And from him?

Unwillingly, a sliver of pain entered his chest as he considered how long she must have been keeping this from him. He had thought they trusted each other with everything. And she had been pregnant all this time? And how? Who was the father?

He snapped his eyes back to The Doctor, a new idea flaring to life.

“Ensign Wildman was not the only crewmember to have been pregnant when we were kidnapped by the Caretaker, was she?” he asked, stunned disbelief rushing through him as he considered the idea. He had been there as she’d informed the crew of Samantha’s pregnancy. She _must_ have known she too was pregnant by then.

“No,” The Doctor admitted, glancing back to the door again. “When _Voyager_ was pulled into the Delta Quadrant, Captain Janeway was already six weeks pregnant.”

“Oh, my God,” B’Elanna was saying. “But it’s been weeks since we found out about Sam. Why didn’t she say anything at the time?”

Chakotay also wanted to know the answer to that question.

“It was not your business to know, Lieutenant,” Tuvok said stiffly. “A captain is not obligated to share the personal details of her life with her crew.”

“I think we’d have needed to find out _some_ time,” Tom said, blinking in confusion. “We could hardly have failed to notice her bringing the kid to the bridge with her in a stroller one day. It isn’t exactly normal Starfleet protocol.”

“Well, I think it’s wonderful!” Neelix said, recovering from his shock and coming forwards from the back of the bridge. “There’s going to be _two_ babies on _Voyager_ , isn’t that lovely? I should probably offer my congratulations—”

“Don’t, Mr. Neelix,” The Doctor said sharply, making Neelix jump back from his attempt to cross the bridge to the ready room. “She will not welcome it.”

“But why not? I thought Humans celebrate the announcement of a pregnancy? Ensign Wildman certainly did!”

“Ensign Wildman has decided to keep her baby,” The Doctor said. “The captain on the other hand … has not decided either way yet.”

Chakotay felt the sliver of pain intensify slightly. She hadn’t decided if she wanted to keep her baby? But … the Kathryn he knew had always spoken so fondly of children, expressed a wish to have some of her own some day … why should she be reluctant? He’d never known her to waver over a decision like this for so long.

“That’s why she didn’t tell us,” Harry said, eyes wide. “She’s still figuring it out.”

“Precisely, Ensign. The decision has proven difficult.”

“God,” Tom said, slumping back in his seat. “I can’t believe she’s been dealing with all that on her own. I guess that’s why she’s looked so ill recently.”

Chakotay could picture what he meant. The hollowness of her cheeks, the dark ringed eyes, the dead look he sometimes saw in her eyes, the lingering sadness which had settled over her like a shroud. It was the same look he had just seen on her face as she’d spoken to that alien. Something had overcome her. She’d never looked so defeated before.

He recoiled as he remembered how emotionlessly she’d answered Mohrot’s questions. How she’d tonelessly insisted on going to the planet with so little regard for her safety. What was happening to her? Why was she like this? If she’d undergone the treatment, she could have lost the child. Was that what she wanted? An excuse to make the decision for her as to whether she should continue the pregnancy or not? It was an extreme measure. And one entirely unlike the Kathryn Janeway he knew.

“Who’s the father?” B’Elanna asked, frowning slightly.

“That is hardly appropriate, Lieutenant,” Tuvok reminded her severely.

The Doctor did not answer her, though he stared at his feet to avoid looking at her. For some reason, a couple sets of eyes flicked towards Chakotay. He himself stared at the Doctor, a new growing horror rising inside him.

“Mark?” he said, seeing The Doctor’s cheek twitch when he heard the name. “Her fiancé back on Earth?”

The Doctor did not confirm it, but Chakotay knew he was right, and suddenly things began to fall into place. Not ‘Mark, her fiancé’, but ‘Mark, her ex-fiancé’. Walking in on her on the verge of tears a couple of weeks ago as she read her letter from Mark now made a whole lot more sense. It wasn’t just him she was mourning, not just the loss of a fiancé … but the loss of a father for her child.

He’d moved on, married someone else, leaving her stranded all this way away, pregnant with a child he didn’t even know about and may never see.

“Mr. Paris, maintain orbit,” he ordered as he stood up. “Mr. Kim, ignore any hails from the surface for now. We’re not going anywhere without that deuterium.”

“Commander, I don’t recommend—” The Doctor began in a panic, seeing him make his way towards the captain’s ready room, but Chakotay ignored him.

He keyed in the override sequence to the door panel and strode inside without another thought, shutting out the sight of the bridge behind him. He spotted Kathryn immediately, and was astonished and distraught to see her in a state of distress, shaking from head to foot, tears building behind her eyes.

Not stopping to think, he strode across the room and sat down beside her, wrapping one arm around her and pulling her towards him, stretching out his other hand to hold both of hers. Kathryn shuddered in his arms and finally relaxed, resting her head against his shoulder, the feel of wetness letting him know she had finally allowed herself to release the tears she had masked for so long. He felt like crying himself. How had she come to this level of despair? This was not her. She was the strong figure he most desired to emulate.

“You could have told me, Kathryn,” he said, pulling her in a little tighter, not caring about the distinctions between captain and first officer in the slightest right now. “I’m always here for you.”

“I know,” she breathed, one hand reaching for the front of his uniform and grabbing onto the fabric. “I’ve been a fool.”

“Yes, you have,” he said, stroking her hand softly. “You were going to let The Doctor do that treatment on you. Don’t you care what could’ve happened?”

“Not right then I didn’t,” she said, voice muffled where her face was pressed into his chest. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Everything became so numb all at once. I’m tired of this, Chakotay.”

He pulled back and cupped her cheek in one hand, seeing just how dark the shadows under her eyes were. Wasn’t pregnancy supposed to make women start glowing? Why did Kathryn look as though she’d been given a death sentence?

“Do you want to end the pregnancy?” he asked gently.

She shook her head. “I don’t know,” she said, a tear leaking out from one eye. “How can I raise a child _and_ captain this ship through the Delta Quadrant? You know the sort of environment this would be for a child.”

“I do,” he said, stroking her cheek gently. “But if there’s anyone who could do it, you could. You have no idea how strong you are.”

She scoffed and looked away. “Look at me, I’m a complete wreck,” she said, running one hand through her hair. “I’ve made tactical decisions in a split second which thousands of lives could depend on, but I can’t make up my mind on this one thing. Every time I decide I want to keep it, something bad comes to mind which reminds me how stupid that is. And every time I decide to abort, I start thinking about what it’d actually be like to finally have a child and I think about Mark, and how this is the last part I have of him.” She coughed slightly and pressed one hand to her abdomen. “And it doesn’t help that it keeps on growing, reminding me that’s it’s here and alive and how desperate I always was for a family of my own.”

Chakotay’s eyes fell to the hand pressed against her stomach. He licked his lips nervously before lifting his eyes to hers.

“May I?” he asked, as gently as he could.

Kathryn watched him for a moment before she carefully took one hand and guided it down to her stomach. At first, Chakotay felt nothing, but as she moved the hand around slightly, he became aware of the slight swelling there, entirely hidden beneath her clothes. He let out one long breath as he felt this. Another part of Kathryn living inside her.

“It’s not really very big yet,” Kathryn said, moving her hand away. “But I can’t stop putting my hand there and at least imagining that I feel it growing bigger each day. If I’d found out about this four years ago, I would have been so happy. But now … I can’t be happy, not really.

“Because of Mark,” he asked, still keeping his hand on her belly, making no move to remove it. “Because he’s not here. He’s moved on.”

She nodded, blinking away some tears. “Partly,” she said wistfully. “He’s gone. And I’m left alone, left with this child, and I don’t know if I can raise it on my own.”

“You’re not alone, Kathryn,” he said, grabbing her hand again. “This entire crew is your family, you hear me? They will support you, whatever you decide. They’ll be there every day to help you raise this kid if that’s what you want. Don’t you know that? Don’t you know that I’ll be there too?”

Kathryn offered him a watery smile. “Thank you, Chakotay,” she said, squeezing his hand in return. “I knew you’d be supportive. But what am I supposed to do? Order someone to babysit while I’m battling the Hirogens? There’s a reason you don’t see many pregnant starship captains. If we were back home, I’d probably be requesting a planetary assignment.”

“Well, we’re not, and this is just another one of those situations we’ve got to learn to deal with,” Chakotay said. “We’ve handled every other unusual circumstance admirably with no help from Starfleet. This is no different.”

She signed and looked away. “But it is,” she said, a note of resignation in her voice. “I support Samantha in her decision, but it seems harder for me to make the same choice. She doesn’t have the responsibilities I have.”

“We can do whatever you need,” Chakotay said, desperately wishing he could ease the burdens on her shoulders. “I can take on more duties, the entire senior staff would be happy to do what they could. You’ve done so much for this crew, let them return the favour.”

“They shouldn’t have to—”

“And you shouldn’t have to deal with this on your own,” Chakotay said, interrupting her. He closed her eyes for a moment, wondering how to get through to her. “I can’t even begin to imagine what personal feelings you’re trying to sort through right now. But don’t let fear of coping stop you. I know you can handle this if you had to.” He hesitated slightly, not wanting to cause her any more pain. “It should be a question of if you _want_ to. I know you’ve always wanted children.”

“What I want isn’t important,” she said, shaking her head. “Look at what just happened. Look at the mess we’re in. We can’t get deuterium because of my personal circumstances. And this is only the beginning. What’s to stop me turning into a quivering wreck worrying about my child every time I order a red alert?”

“What’s to stop you? The courage and professionalism you’ve always shown day in day out,” he said firmly. “You can be a captain _and_ a mother, Kathryn. Plenty of other captains do. Not in the same circumstances, perhaps, but you’re not someone to allow circumstances to stop you.”

She wasn’t looking at him, and he was disheartened by just how defeated she appeared. He could almost feel the pain radiating from her.

“I’ve seen how sad you’ve been lately,” he said, his voice gentler. “This is tearing you apart. It doesn’t have to. The practical side of things isn’t the main barrier, it’s your own feelings. A part of you deep down really wants this child, doesn’t it?”

For a long moment she was silent, and then slowly nodded her head, hand drifting back to her abdomen. “Yes,” she said, voice wavering. “But would it be cruel to bring it into such a dangerous environment? We’re almost constantly at war with some new species.”

“If Humans had stopped having children during wars our species would have died out centuries ago,” Chakotay said with a small smile.

“That’s not just it,” she said, closing her eyes. “This is Mark’s baby, Chakotay. A man I was so desperately in love with for so long, and one I haven’t seen in four years. Do you have any idea what it’s like to get my head around the fact I’ve been carrying his child all this time?”

Chakotay didn’t answer, the slice of pain in his chest worsening as she mentioned Mark. She didn’t seem to have expected a response, and she continued.

“I pretty much gave up hope we could pick up where we left things years ago. I’d expected him to have done the same. In truth, I’ve barely thought of him recently. And then to be hit with _this._ It’s brought back everything again so overwhelmingly, so painfully, I can’t make sense of it. And as much as I knew he’d have given me up, a part of me these last few weeks began to hope, stupidly, that this would change things. But then I got that letter … and now I don’t know anything.”

“Does he know?” Chakotay asked softly, hating the turmoil he saw on her face. “Did The Doctor let him know when he went to the Alpha Quadrant?”

“No,” she said, rubbing her temples and frowning. “I asked him not to. But now I wish I hadn’t. Would it change things? Probably not. But if I decide to have the child, he should know. We might never get in contact with them again. He should know he’s going to be a father.”

“And he will,” Chakotay said tenderly. “Because we’re going to get back home. You’d always said so. And you don’t give up.”

“By which time the kid could be an adult,” Kathryn said, opening her eyes finally. “And Mark could have other kids with his new wife.”

“And he’d make room in his life for this one,” Chakotay said, slowly reaching out and placing his hand back on her belly. “If he’s a good enough man to have earned your love once, he isn’t going to reject it just because you’re no longer together. And if he does, he’s not the kind of man you’d want in your kid’s life anyway.”

Kathryn gave him a half smile and sighed, passing her hand through her hair again. “Doesn’t change the fact I’m going to be a single mother. And though I’m not worried about more bigoted reactions like that alien’s back home, I can’t deny that even in the twenty-fourth century, raising a child on your own isn’t easy.”

Chakotay couldn’t deny that. Balancing parenthood and careers was still a struggle for some, especially within Starfleet, when missions were long, sometimes dangerous, and not every ship was equipped with childcare arrangements. As irrational as it was, he found himself growing angry with Mark, a man he’d never even met, for leaving Kathryn in this situation, though he knew it was hardly his fault. But this resentment was based on something far deeper, something Chakotay was not comfortable admitting, even to himself. He couldn’t pretend he hadn’t grown close to Kathryn over the years, and that sometimes his affection for her strayed far too much into the forbidden realms which defined the boundaries between a captain and her crew. A part of him had dared to hope when finding out that Kathryn had finally given up on Mark that something could perhaps happen between them, protocols be damned. But now she was pregnant with Mark’s child, and those boundaries seemed to have sprung up again. It was clear she still had some pretty intense and confusing feelings for him, feelings which were only exacerbated by this latest development. Yes, he certainly was feeling resentful towards this mysterious Mark. Resentful that he had this hold over Kathryn which he didn’t.

“Since when have you balked at something which isn’t easy?” he asked, trying to smile. He removed his hand and took hold of hers again. “You’re the strongest woman I know, Kathryn. If you do want this baby, me and the crew will support you every step of the way, and I _know_ you’ll be an excellent mother. But if you don’t want it, that’s fine too. We’ll all be behind you, me most of all.”

Kathryn didn’t respond, and he could see she was desperately trying not to cry again. She breathed deeply a few moments as she fought the emotions swirling around inside her, pressing her hand to her chest for a moment as if something pained her. She nodded briefly at him.

“That means a lot, Chakotay,” she eventually managed to say. “I’m just finding this all so hard at the moment, and I don’t want it to affect the crew. Especially the way it just did. You might as well tell them everything. We’ve no chance of getting that deuterium now.”

“Wanna bet?” he said, standing up quickly, new resolve growing inside him. “I don’t take no for an answer from people like that. Something I learned from the best. We’re going to get that deuterium. Leave it to me.”

Then, with one last smile, he turned and left the ready room, leaving Kathryn sitting where she was and strode back out onto the bridge.


	10. Chapter 10

“Harry, hail the trading post,” Chakotay said, heading back to his seat, noticing that the bridge had seemed to have stayed in stunned silence in his absence. He didn’t sit down however, and stood facing the viewscreen, fists clenched by his side.

“Commander?”

“Do it, Ensign.”

Harry looked at him doubtfully, but carried out the order, and some of the others also looked at him, perhaps wondering what on earth had happened in the ready room to make him so abrupt. Chakotay breathed through his nose as he waited for a response, willing himself to keep his temper, but the thought of that woman in the ready room, wrestling with one of the most important decisions in her life kept him agitated as he remembered the attitude of the trader. How _dare_ he try and dismiss her like that?

Mohrot’s face appeared on the screen a moment later, and his mood had not improved. He raised his eyebrows as he saw Chakotay.

“I think I made myself perfectly clear before. I find your moral standards disgusting. I will not do trade with you, even if you’ve removed that woman from my sight.”

“That woman is our captain,” Chakotay said, unable to keep the bite from his reply, “and for a culture which prides itself on morals I’d like to know where the hell you get off on disrespecting her so blatantly. We came to you as honest customers, and to be frank, you’re the only one whose manners are disgusting at the moment.”

The alien looked surprised, and indeed, so did many of the bridge crew; it wasn’t often that Chakotay dared speak his mind so openly, particularly in a tense situation like this one.

“Our cultures may be different,” Chakotay said, pressing his advantage over the stunned alien, “but that doesn’t mean we cannot trade. Lack of deuterium is going to strand us here indefinitely, keeping us all away from our loved ones on the other side of the galaxy. Do your morals think nothing of that?”

“Our deities will not allow us to conduct business with corrupting influences,” Mohrot scowled, finding his voice once more. “I am sorry for your situation, but it is unacceptable for us to consider trading. Your ship is led by a compromised woman.”

Chakotay stopped himself shouting with difficulty. “Since you won’t be dealing with the captain, I don’t see how she can ‘corrupt’ anything. I am Commander Chakotay, first officer. I have the authority to trade with you. I am willing to do all that is required by your culture for us to repair this relationship.”

“I appreciate that, Commander, but our relationship cannot be repaired while you have such a woman in command.” The alien seemed to be calming slightly, as though simply having Kathryn off the bridge was all he needed to be reasonable, which only irked Chakotay more. “We have dealt with many alien species and do our best to be accommodating for differences in culture. But such things as this are considered abhorrent by our cultural standards. We cannot excuse flagrant immorality.”

“There is nothing immoral about this situation, or our captain,” Chakotay said, staring Mohrot down as his fists clenched even tighter. “In our culture, women are not censured for becoming pregnant, regardless of circumstances.”

“You mean women may engage in scandalous behaviour at will and face no repercussions? You are not filling me with any confidence, Commander.” Mohrot’s frown was back. “And what of the father of this child? Has he nothing to say? Does she even know his identity?”

“Of course she does,” Chakotay said, fighting the urge to shout again. “Her fiancé.”

He left out the details, in no way willing to discuss this painful subject with such a man, but something had changed, and the alien’s frown faded a little.

“Fiancé?” he said thoughtfully. “It is not as bad as I feared then. But why have they not married?”

Chakotay thought quickly, trying to salvage this situation as best as he could, seeing the man look a little more rational. “He is on our homeworld, thousands of lightyears away. We became stranded here by accident. We are trying to return home, and that deuterium will go a long way to helping us. By denying us trade, you are keeping them apart.”

To his relief, the alien seemed to be considering this, and his hostility had vanished. His heart was hammering; they needed this deuterium, and he knew how badly Kathryn would react if they failed and she believed they were stranded here because of her. His patience was sorely tested as Mohrot considered them for several moments, frowning, but he kept his temper for Kathryn’s sake.

“I must consult my trading partners,” Mohrot said finally, and Chakotay offered a swift prayer of thanks. “An engaged woman is still not ideal, but could perhaps be excused in the circumstances. I would hardly like to be the one to prevent a father from meeting his child. I will be in touch.”

The image blinked out and Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief, sinking down into his chair.

“Doctor, head down to sickbay and get started on what you need to administer the analeptic radiation,” he told him. “Myself, B’Elanna and Neelix will make up the landing party, as well as yourself. I want everything ready to go if they approve our request. And make an inventory of what medical equipment you can spare to trade with.”

The Doctor nodded, but before he turned to leave, he glanced at the ready room doors.

“The captain …”

“She’s fine,” Chakotay said, hoping he was telling the truth. “If you want to examine her, do it later. I want us to get the hell out of here as quick as we can.”

“Understood.”

The turbolift doors closed behind him a moment later and Chakotay turned his attention to B’Elanna.

“You calculated how much deuterium we’re going to need to ask for?”

B’Elanna nodded. “All ready to go.”

“Good,” Chakotay said, sighing as he leaned back in his chair. He too glanced at the ready room doors. He hoped he was doing what Kathryn needed right now. He doubted she was in the right emotional state to be in command at the moment.

“The captain’s really alright, Commander?” Neelix asked, coming down to the lower level and looking anxiously at Chakotay. “It can’t have been pleasant for it to come out like that, especially with him being so rude about it.”

“She just needs everyone to keep doing their duty, Neelix,” he said. “The way we always do.”

Neelix nodded, though still appeared anxious, and Chakotay worried he might insist on going to speak with her as ‘morale officer’.

“Still, it must be difficult for her when her fiancé is so far away. I know Sam’s felt rather down about it too. And for him as well. At least he knows she’s alive now. That must be a little comforting.”

“Finding out that not only is your fiancée alive but she’s carrying your baby?” Tom remarked, half smiling. “He must be skipping.”

Chakotay did not answer, and Tom’s smile slipped seeing his expression. “He knows, right? The Doctor must have told him when he told Starfleet we were all alive.”

Chakotay was not certain how to answer, but Kathryn had told him that they might as well know everything. And he didn’t want any of them saying something potentially upsetting to the captain unintentionally through their ignorance of her situation.

“No, he doesn’t know,” he said heavily. “She didn’t want to say anything until she was certain what she wanted to do.”

“Oh, what a lovely surprise that’ll be,” Neelix said enthusiastically. “Imagine how he’ll react when we show up in the Alpha Quadrant with his child on board! If she decides to keep it of course, and to be honest I don’t see why she shouldn’t. She has all of us to help her out until she gets home after all, and it’ll be such a nice way to start off their family life—”

“Neelix,” Chakotay warned, before he got too carried away. “Don’t make any assumptions. Things are more complicated than that.”

“What could possibly be complicated about it?” Neelix looked genuinely confused. “On Telax, every pregnancy is a source of great joy, and I thought Humans considered it the same way. What’s to stop her from being happy about it? Isn’t having a child with your fiancé something that—”

“But she isn’t,” Chakotay interrupted, glancing at the door, worried Neelix’s loud voice would break though. He sighed heavily and closed his eyes briefly, unwilling to reveal this next part, but knowing he had to stop Neelix or anyone else mentioning it. “Mark is no longer her fiancé.”

Neelix’s jaw dropped and he looked upset. “But—I don’t understand.”

Chakotay passed his hand over his face, seeing that everyone was staring at him, sighing again.

“He moved on,” he said, flatly. “He married someone else a few months ago. Not that I’m going to tell the Gabari that.”

Chakotay again felt the subtle and completely unfair anger he had towards Mark flare up as he saw the look of horror on Neelix’s face.

“That’s awful!” he cried. “No wonder she’s upset. I have to say, I don’t think very much of a man who moves on so quickly.”

“Neither do I,” Harry said, frowning.

“We were all declared dead,” Chakotay said, though part of him questioned why he was bothering to defend the man. “Even the captain admits she didn’t expect him to wait. It’s a difficult situation for everyone.”

“Not as much as for her,” B’Elanna said, looking as outraged as Chakotay felt. “She’s pregnant with the child of a man who’s now married to someone else? That’s gotta be tough.”

“Good thing she’s tough too,” Tom said, though he too was shaking his head. “Man, I can’t even imagine what a kick to the gut that must have been. What a horrible situation.” He raised his eyes towards the back of the bridge. “You’ve known the captain for years, Tuvok. Did you ever meet this guy?”

“Once,” Tuvok said, frowning slightly. “I was not overly impressed by him. He is a member of a respected group of philosophers, but I found his views and conversation rather banal, not quite what I would have expected for the man engaged to Captain Janeway. However, it was not my place to question their attachment. He appeared to be very fond of her, and the captain seemed perfectly content.”

_Well, she isn’t now_ , Chakotay thought, shaking his head. _Banal._ Heavy censure from a Vulcan indeed.

“I think perhaps it’s best we stop discussing this,” he said, looking around at them all, particularly lingering on Neelix. “As Tuvok says, it’s not our place. We should be staying out of the captain’s personal affairs.”

“Does that include you?” B’Elanna asked, looking at him with a knowing glint in her eye.

“Of course,” he said, looking away swiftly. He turned his attention to the panels in his armrest to pretend he was now occupied and kill this overly intrusive line of conversation. “Harry, be ready for any hails from the surface, and relay the scans of the atmosphere to The Doctor. Tom, keep an eye on our deuterium levels and power down the engines as much as you can while keeping us in orbit. Seven, go help The Doctor in Sickbay.”

The others sensed the conversation was now entirely at an end, and followed orders quietly, leaving Chakotay staring blankly at his monitor, mind entirely free to think about the conflicted woman he’d left behind in that ready room and how he desperately wished he could spare her any pain.

* * *

Kathryn stayed in her ready room a long time, emotionally drained by her encounter with both the alien and Chakotay. The numbness was gone, and the pain was fading. Now all she felt was an intense sense of embarrassment. She couldn’t believe how easily she’d fallen to pieces in front of Chakotay, nor how she’d allowed herself to act on the bridge. It wasn’t like her to have backed down so easily, to give up.

Chakotay was right; she’d never allowed difficulties to stand in the way of something she’d wanted to do. Hell, even the thought of crossing Borg space hadn’t made her pause too much. Why was she in such a crippling state of indecision now?

She paced her ready room for a while, thinking over everything Chakotay had said to her with a small smile growing on her lips. Of course she should have known how supportive Chakotay would be. When had he been anything but? Even when they’d disagreed, he’d always been there for her. She had been a fool to keep this from him. All his arguments were exactly as she would have expected, and became more and more convincing the longer she thought about them.

It was talking to him which had made her realise that she _did_ want this baby. Desperately wanted it in fact. Though she couldn’t rejoice in it, at least not yet, she felt a connection she couldn’t describe to it already, like a physical tie between the two of them. It was that connection which was making her decision so difficult when she considered all the potential pitfalls of continuing with the pregnancy. Sitting there with him and his calming air, it had almost helped her to finally picture what it would be like to have the child, to hold it in her arms and be its mother. When he’d laid his hand over her stomach, it began to seem startlingly real, yet not unpleasantly so. With him, none of it seemed overwhelming.

_A pity it’s not his child_ , she thought sadly. _He’d make such a good father._

With difficulty, she pushed down all her anxieties and conflicted feelings, shaking herself out of the thoughts of Chakotay as the father, which she knew were hardly appropriate. He was her first officer, and a friend, she couldn’t count on him to help her raise the child, and nor should she want to.

Her nausea had dissipated, but she still felt light-headed, and realised she’d eaten almost nothing all day. She crossed to her replicator and fetched something plain which she thought wouldn’t set off her sickness and sat down to eat, forcing herself to consume the energy she’d lost with all her worrying. As she ate, a few updates came over the comm from Chakotay, informing her the Gabari had agreed to a trade deal with him providing he made an additional offering to their deities, and then later on to tell her they’d undergone the analeptic radiation treatment and were heading down to the surface. His voice was entirely professional, betraying nothing of their earlier emotional conversation, and she was professional in return, deciding to leave all of this in his hands for the sake of the deuterium, wondering how on earth he’d managed to convince them. The twinge of guilt she felt at so endangering the trade talks was outmatched by the strong sense of gratitude and affection she felt for Chakotay as he proved yet again how much she could count on him.

Unable to face going back onto the bridge just yet, she sat at her desk and waded through some reports and logs, focusing her mind on the mundane minutiae of daily life onboard to distract herself. She worked for hours, not allowing herself the chance to let her thoughts drift back to either Mark or the baby for a while yet. She was the captain, damn it, and she needed to make sure she acted like one. She couldn’t afford any more lapses like the one earlier.

Eventually, Chakotay’s voice came over the comm to inform her that the landing party was back on board and being checked over in sickbay after a successful mission. Kathryn smiled softly and stood up. She needed to see him, thank him in person.

She left her ready room and crossed the bridge so quickly to enter the turbolift, hardly anyone had the chance to look up, and made her way down to sickbay. When she entered, she saw B’Elanna and Neelix standing to the side as The Doctor was running a final check on Chakotay with his tricorder.

“All clear of the pathogen, Commander,” The Doctor said, happily. He turned around as she approached. “Captain! You’ll be pleased to know the landing party is entirely healthy.”

“Good,” she said, turning her eyes to Chakotay. “You got what we needed?”

He nodded. “Enough deuterium to last us ages, and all it took was a few dermal regenerators and a cryostasis chamber. They’re beaming it aboard as we speak.”

“Great work, Commander,” she said, staying as formal as she could in front of the others. “I trust their demands weren’t _too_ onerous?”

“We had to pray to about a dozen gods, pour out a ridiculously wasteful amount of wine on some altars and recite a few passages from their holy scriptures, but all in all, not too bad,” Chakotay shrugged, and she knew he was deliberately downplaying it. “Neelix was a great asset in putting them at ease, and B’Elanna impressed them all with her observations on the quality of the deuterium.”

“Of course, _my_ contributions are overlooked,” The Doctor grumbled as he put away his tricorder.

Kathryn ignored him and turned to the other two and nodded. “Well done, you two. They don’t sound like the easiest to deal with.”

“Our pleasure, Captain,” Neelix said warmly. “They’re actually a fairly pleasant people. Aside from the fact that they think you’re ... uh …”

“A fallen woman?” she asked, eyebrow raised slightly. Neelix looked a bit sheepish and she laughed lightly. “Don’t worry about it, Neelix. I’m just glad we won’t have to deal with them much longer. The two of you had best get back to your stations.”

B’Elanna nodded, and left, offering Kathryn a sort of awkward smile as she did so. Neelix hesitated before leaving.

“I hope I’m not out of place, Captain,” he said, shuffling his feet, “but I thought I’d just let you know that the whole crew’s with you on this, whatever your decision is. I’ve already offered to help Ensign Wildman with babysitting or anything else, and the offer’s open to you too. Just wanted to say.”

Kathryn swallowed as a lump began to grow in her throat. She quickly got a hold of herself.

“Thank you, Neelix. It’s appreciated.”

He nodded, and then followed B’Elanna out the door. Kathryn turned and exhaled. “Guess I’m going to have to get used to the idea of everyone knowing. Now that Neelix knows, the entire crew probably does as well.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing,” The Doctor told her. “Keeping it secret has only added to your stress levels. Which reminds me, I should examine you.”

“Now?” Kathryn sighed, rubbing her temple.

“Yes, now,” The Doctor said severely. He glanced at Chakotay. “Perhaps you can convince her to finally start slowing down. None of this is good for the development of the foetus.”

“Just get it over with, Doctor,” she said, going to sit on one of the biobeds as the Doctor fetched his instrument.

“Should I leave?” Chakotay asked, looking uncertainly between her and the door, his reluctance to go obvious.

Yesterday, Kathryn would have said yes, but now? She thought perhaps she needed him to be here.

“Stay,” she told him, trying not to let him see her need to have him there with her.

The Doctor waved his tricorder over her abdomen, frowning slightly, as Chakotay came to stand by her side. He hovered protectively above her, and she longed to be able to reach out and take hold of his hand.

“Hmm,” The Doctor said, raising an eyebrow. “As I expected, your blood pressure levels are higher than usual. And your own health leaves much to be desired. If you continue like this, you’re risking a great deal. Stress during pregnancy can lead to premature birth. However, based on your attitude to the analeptic radiation this morning, your regard for the baby’s health doesn’t seem very high.”

“That’s not fair, Doctor,” Chakotay said immediately, but Kathryn shook her head.

“No, he’s right,” she said. “I wasn’t thinking.” She drew a deep breath. “Is it okay?”

“Appears to be,” The Doctor said, looking down at the readings. “Still growing nicely, heartbeat nice and strong.”

“Heartbeat?” Chakotay asked, looking as awed as Kathryn felt.

“Yes,” The Doctor said, smiling a little at Kathryn. “Would you like to hear?”

Numbly, Kathryn nodded and the Doctor tapped some panels on the monitor above the biobed, and then placed the scanner over her abdomen again. Immediately, Kathryn became aware of a steady drumming sound, quick and strong, and she gasped. That was it, her baby. Alive inside her.

Observing the effect this seemed to have on her, The Doctor’s expression softened further. “If you like, I can show you a holographic extrapolation of the child based on the genetic data.”

Again, Kathryn could only nod, heart fluttering wildly, as The Doctor left her side to input some information at his consoles. A few minutes passed, and then there was a flash of light as a holographic simulation was projected into the air over the surgical bay.

Kathryn slid off the bed she was sitting on to walk forwards, a jolt of electric energy surging through her body. The foetus was small, still not fully formed, but most definitely baby-like, and not the alienlike creature she had been imagining thus far. Impossibly small limbs were hugged close to its chest, and there was a definite face on the tiny head, eyes tightly closed. Kathryn felt like the air had been sucked from her body. This was her baby. Her child.

“That’s incredible,” Chakotay breathed at her side, eyes wide, and Kathryn agreed. She couldn’t describe the emotions flooding her body right now, but she knew they were among the most powerful she’d ever felt. She blinked a few times, feeling the tell tale burning of her throat which always accompanied her these days as she fought her hormonal mood changes.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” she asked, eyes drinking in the image before her, finally ready to ask that question and hear the answer.

“It’s a boy,” The Doctor announced, happily.

Kathryn covered her hand with her mouth, afraid she was about to burst into tears for the second time that day. The other hand went to her chest, where her heart beat painfully.

“I’m having a boy?” she asked thickly, feeling yet more tears building up.

“That depends,” The Doctor said gently, coming a little closer. “Have you made up your mind?”

Only a few hours ago, Kathryn would have said no. _One_ hour ago, she’d have said no. But being here, hearing the heartbeat, seeing its face—no, _his_ face _,_ it had changed something. The foetus had gone from being the vague idea of a child, to her flesh and blood son.

She turned her head to look at Chakotay to see he was also staring at the hologram with an expression of wonder. Seeing her gaze turning, he met her eyes and gave her the widest, most encouraging grin he ever had. He reached out and rested his hand lightly on her shoulder, his dark eyes warm and supportive.

Again, Kathryn felt his calming influence wash over her, and the uneasiness and doubt which was still inside her was diminished for the moment. All future trials and tribulation aside, regardless of painful memories, with him here at her side, she felt like maybe … just maybe, everything would be alright. Her worries could wait for another day.

She looked back at The Doctor and breathed deeply for a moment.

“I think I have, Doctor,” she said, lifting her gaze back to the hologram, her son. “I’m keeping him.”

The Doctor’s face split into a wide grin. “Then may I _finally_ offer you my congratulations. I’m sure Mr. Neelix will be happy to spread the good news if you run and catch him. It took him less than an hour to inform everyone of Ensign Wildman’s pregnancy.”

“Not so fast,” Kathryn said, feeling a little giddy, but smiling a little. “Give me at least the rest of the day.”

“Very well, I’ll leave you alone with your son,” The Doctor smiled, heading off to his office and leaving Kathryn and Chakotay standing there in front of the hologram.

“My son,” Kathryn repeated faintly. She lifted her hand to her slight bump and covered it entirely. It seemed entirely incredible that this was what was inside of her. _My son._

“Your son, Kathryn,” Chakotay said, stepping a little closer and tightening his grip on her shoulder as they looked up at the image. “Congratulations.”

Kathryn did not answer, for her voice seemed to have deserted her completely. The dread she had been experiencing was gone, and so had most of her fear.

Yet, the joy she’d thought she’d feel at the sight of him was not there yet. Not while she still could not help but think about how it should be Mark standing by her side instead of Chakotay. And also about how part of her was glad of he wasn’t.

She’d decided to keep the baby, but she knew she still had some tough times ahead.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One line of dialogue borrowed from Season 2 Episode 21 'Deadlock'.

After the incident with the Gabari, Kathryn mostly avoided the bridge and the rest of her senior staff, conducting most of her work in her quarters and leaving Chakotay in charge on the bridge. She simply needed a few days to herself without everyone looking at her and knowing they were wondering what decision she had made. She herself was already beginning to doubt it.

Chakotay had agreed to say nothing, and she couldn’t be more grateful for the support he had offered her, but now she had decided to keep the baby, he seemed excited and beamed every time he looked at her. It upset Kathryn more than she cared to admit to see him being so happy over something she was still yet so ambivalent about. She could not contemplate terminating the pregnancy now, and a huge part of her _did_ want the child, but it wasn’t out of any sudden rush of love or joy about the imminent arrival. She wasn’t there yet. She just hoped she would be one day.

About a week after the incident, she finally felt ready to face the briefing room. She spent a good deal of the morning in front of her mirror, once again observing her figure from every possible angle while in her underwear. Fourteen weeks in, she was now in the second trimester, but all hopes of getting past the debilitating symptoms of the first had firmly abandoned her. Her nausea remained, as did her headaches, aching breasts, dizziness, and now she had to also contend with pains on the side of her stomach and horrible cramps in her legs. The Doctor assured her this was all perfectly normal and was reluctant to do too much to ease her discomfort for the moment, unless symptoms became severe, though she was seriously considering just ordering him to give her something, ‘keeping it as natural as possible’ be damned.

She ran her hand over her belly feeling the definite curvature of the skin. How much of that was baby and how much was bloating, she didn’t know, but it was undeniably real. It could still yet perhaps be pinned down to overindulging in Neelix’s cooking by people not in the know, but to Kathryn it was such an obvious marker of who she now was: a future single mother.

Shaking herself out of these depressing thoughts, she pulled on her grey undershirt and for the first time in a week, also slipped into her uniform jacket. As she fastened it up, she felt the slight strain at the seams, and again took to examining herself, wondering just how much it showed through the uniform, and grateful at least that these uniforms were not quite so revealing as ones which had come before. She’d have to start replicating larger uniforms over the next couple of weeks, though she wasn’t quite sure yet if she was ready for the official Starfleet maternity clothes. Somehow, wearing that seemed like it would make her look less commanding on the bridge when dealing with new threats from alien species.

Once satisfied, she made her way to the briefing, stepping onto the bridge for the first time in a week. She nodded to the crew there and then crossed into the briefing room. Everyone looked up as she entered and Neelix smiled eagerly. Kathryn said nothing, but just headed to her usual seat at the head of the table next to Chakotay, who watched her closely.

“Let’s hear your reports then,” Kathryn said, entirely business-like, clasping her hands on the table in front of her, determined not to let any trace of her discomfort leak through.

To her pleasure, the briefing began as normally as it ever did, with each person giving their reports efficiently and as professionally as always. Kathryn looked at each person intently, giving them her full focus, unwilling to appear any less capable than she usually did, trying to snap back into her usual captain mode. It could not be denied however, that despite her crew’s competently given reports, a few were watching her somewhat cautiously.

Harry’s report was last, and Chakotay made a few observations and gave out some orders, as he would usually do, briefly discussing the new threat the Hirogen seemed to pose them. It seemed almost time for the briefing to wrap up, and Kathryn breathed slowly and steadily, preparing herself for what she had to say.

“I think that’s all for now, people,” she said, looking around at them all, “except for one last announcement. One I’m sure you’ve all been wondering about since I walked in the door.”

The crew exchanged a few guilty glances.

“Were we that obvious?” Tom half-joked with a nervous smile.

“I’d like to thank you all for your discretion in this matter. Although the news has now spread to the entire crew—"” Kathryn looked meaningfully at Neelix here, who blushed—“I am grateful that most everyone has refrained from indulging in idle gossip and rumourmongering.”

There were a few more guilty looks here, but Kathryn looked past them, already knowing from Chakotay that the senior staff had not been entirely innocent of speculation themselves. She was just glad there was no news of replicator rations been staked on her decision or wild rumours being spread around.

“As you know, I’ve been facing a very personal and, for me, a very difficult decision,” she went on. “As my senior staff, I feel it is only right to inform you of the result first. Then, as I’ve come to expect on board this ship, I’m certain the news will soon spread to everyone else within the hour.”

They were all silent as they waited, and Kathryn almost faltered for a moment, disturbed by their inquisitive expressions. At the end of the table, The Doctor nodded to her, and when she turned her head, she saw Chakotay smiling encouragingly.

“I have decided to continue with my pregnancy,” she said, after a moment of composing herself. “According to The Doctor, I’m due in just under six months.”

Most of the people there (Tuvok and Seven being the notable exceptions) broke out into broad grins, and Neelix actually clapped his hands together in delight.

“That’s wonderful, Captain! Congratulations!”

“First baby born on _Voyager_ ,” Tom said, smiling warmly. “Samantha’s kid’s half-Ktarian so it’ll be cooking a while longer.”

“Yes, and I’m not sure if I should be welcoming him on board or apologising,” Kathryn said, shaking her head. “The Delta Quadrant’s not much of a playground.”

“Him?” Harry asked, grinning. “You’re having a boy?”

“Yes, I am,” Kathryn said, lifting her hand to her belly automatically as she thought of the hologram she had seen last week. “The Doctor’s confirmed it.”

“From what I have been told, Ensign Samantha Wildman is currently carrying a female child,” Seven remarked calmly. “This bodes well for the future if _Voyager_ must become a generational ship on its journey to the Alpha Quadrant.”

“Can we wait till they’re born before we start pairing them up?” Chakotay asked, laughing slightly. “I don’t think we’re in such desperate straits that we have to resort to arranged marriages from the womb.”

Most others laughed, but Kathryn could not. It was too much of a reminder of her darker thoughts as she remembered how she’d be bringing her son into a world where he could spend the majority of his life on board a starship, restricted and limited to the small world around him. The thought of her child being compelled to procreate to keep _Voyager’s_ mission going was not a pleasant one.

“As you can all appreciate, things will be changing around here,” Kathryn said, trying to regain control of the conversation. “How, I’m not quite sure yet, but Commander Chakotay has already offered to take on more of my duties in the lead up to the birth and potentially afterwards as well. Starfleet captains on ship assignments do not generally have children while on active duty, so this is uncharted territory for all of us. I ask for your understanding and patience in the coming weeks and months.”

“You can count on us too, Captain,” Harry said, and everyone else nodded fervently. “Whatever you need.”

“Thank you, Harry,” she said with genuine feeling. “I know I can rely on you all.”

“We should have a celebration,” Neelix said enthusiastically. “We had one for Ensign Wildman, after all. I could whip up some lovely recipes I found in the database this morning—”

“No, Neelix,” Kathryn said immediately. “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t want a big fuss.”

Neelix’s face fell slightly. “Oh, well, perhaps when the little guy’s arrived, what do you say?”

The thought of the baby actually being here still seemed so distant, Kathryn shrugged.

“If you insist.”

Neelix cheered up slightly and smiled again. “I’m sure the crew will love the chance to celebrate with you, Captain, when it’s time. This little baby’s going to be _Voyager_ royalty! How happy you must be!”

Kathryn just nodded, wishing she could seem as happy about it as Neelix did. On her left, Tom had narrowed his eyes slightly.

“You _are_ happy, right, Captain?” he asked. “I haven’t seen you smile once since telling us.”

“Of course I’m happy,” Kathryn said, but she knew the pause she’d made before answering had been too long to be wholly convincing. She tried to smile. “I’m just exhausted. Pregnancy isn’t agreeing with me. I’ll be grateful once it’s over.”

_And then what_? She thought to herself as her staff were dismissed and began to file out of the room. _Begin my life as a single mother in the Delta Quadrant._

Soon she was left almost entirely alone, but as she stood up she saw that Tuvok had remained behind. He looked at her in that severe yet emotionless way only he could manage.

“I believe, that after many years acquaintance, I have become familiar enough with your emotions to be able to detect when you are happy,” Tuvok began, taking a step closer, “and at the moment, I do not believe you are.”

Kathryn sighed, knowing that she could never fool Tuvok. Like Chakotay, he knew her too well.

“I’m having a little trouble adjusting, that’s all,” she said. “It’s a lot to come to terms with.”

“If you do not relish the thought of becoming a mother, why are you doing it?” Tuvok was frowning, and she thought she could almost detect a note of concern in his voice. Kathryn turned and stared out of the briefing room window, lifting her hand to her belly.

“I know I want the child,” she said, more or less honestly, “I couldn’t get rid of him now. It seems wrong. But … this is all just so confused. This isn’t the way things were supposed to go.”

“Finding yourself so far from home and parted from the child’s father cannot be easy,” he acknowledged. “Your circumstances are unenviable. Yet, I have observed that Ensign Wildman, who is in a similar situation, seems much happier than you appear to be.”

“Samantha has a husband waiting for her,” Kathryn said, a touch more bitterly than she intended. “I don’t. Mark doesn’t even know. And by the time we get back –”

She stopped herself from going down this path, knowing that Tuvok would be made highly uncomfortable by an emotional outburst from her.

“From what you have told me of Mark Johnson,” Tuvok said, coming to stand a little closer behind her, “he will be thrilled to discover he has become a father, regardless of his current marital circumstances, and is hardly likely to abandon either of you. And even without the support of a partner, you should be aware that I believe you are more than capable of raising this child, and raising him admirably.”

Pulled from her observations of the universe soaring past at warp, she turned on the spot to see Tuvok looking down at her.

“Allow me to extend my best wishes to you, Captain,” he said, nodding his head slightly towards her. “And to express my opinion that you will make a fine mother.”

“Thank you, Tuvok,” she said, smiling the first genuine smile she’d had in ages. “If you weren’t Vulcan, I’d hug you.”

“It is fortunate then, that I _am_ Vulcan,” he said, quirking one eyebrow. “I had best return to my position on the bridge.”

He turned and left, leaving Kathryn alone in the room, more grateful than ever for the crew she had around her.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, Kathryn settled into a bit of an uneasy routine. Every morning when she’d be getting dressed, she’d stand and examine herself growing a little bigger each day before pulling on her increasingly tight uniform and heading to her ready room to read through all her reports and status updates, keeping herself away from the bridge and her crew as much as possible, only venturing there for an hour or two at most. Thankfully by now, most of her nausea was gone and she wasn’t rushing to the bathroom every morning, but she was hardly much more comfortable. Pains in her back had now started as well as some uncomfortable heartburn, and she usually spent her evenings in sickbay practically begging the Doctor for some relief. She also couldn’t seem to get enough to eat. Now that her nausea was gone, she was able to stomach eating a lot more easily and was afraid she was beginning to indulge too much. At the moment, the desk in her ready room was covered in plates of various foods, all scraped clean. She was burning through her replicator rations at an alarmingly rapid pace, and knew she’d soon be forced to start eating some more of Neelix’s offerings, thereby potentially exposing her newfound gluttony in front of everyone else in the mess hall.

The chime at her door sounded and she looked up from her computer to see Chakotay entering. He smiled as he saw all the plates scattered around the desk.

“Had a feast, did we?”

“Not me, the baby did,” she said, sighing. “He can’t get enough.”

“Well, it’s sitting well on you,” he said, looking her up and down. “You’re starting to fill out a little.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Is that your diplomatic way of saying I look fat, Commander?”

“Oh, no, I’m not falling into that trap,” he chuckled, placing a PADD down on her desk and stepping back. “I know better than that.”

Kathryn glanced at the PADD a few moments and then placed it into a larger pile. She began gathered up the collected plates and placed them back into the replicator to be recycled, Chakotay watching her every motion.

“That’s probably a wise move,” she said, turning back to face him. “I’m growing increasingly touchy about the fact my uniform’s becoming harder to close every morning. Doesn’t help that Samantha’s not showing at all.”

“You might just have to resign yourself to the fact that the battle between you and your zipper might just be lost.”

“Since when do I give in so easily?”

Chakotay laughed softly, and Kathryn noticed he was still watching her intently. She felt exposed under his gaze, but not unpleasantly so. Unlike with the others on the bridge, seeing him look at her did not make her uncomfortable. As yet, he was the only one she’d shared the images of the child with, and it was partly this which was helping her not to feel so alone each day. More than once she caught herself wondering again what it would have been like to have been carrying _his_ child. And immediately after all these wonderings, she felt a flood of guilt at the thought of Mark and the unborn son she somehow felt she was betraying by thinking such things.

_“Captain Janeway to the bridge.”_

Harry’s voice came over the comm, and there was something about his tone which immediately put Kathryn on high alert. Forgetting her conflicts between Chakotay and Mark for the moment, she headed out onto the bridge and towards her chair, Chakotay at her side.

“Report!”

“A Hirogen vessel is approaching our position,” Tuvok informed her. “They are charging weapons.”

“Shields up,” Kathryn ordered, slipping into battle mode despite the flutter in her stomach. “Harry, try and hail them.”

“No response, Captain.”

“I thought we’d started to put them behind us,” Chakotay said, looking down at the panel in his armrest.

“Apparently not,” Kathryn said, just as a weapons blast rattled the ship.

“Evasive manoeuvres, Tom,” she said, as the view screen began to show her the Hirogen ship wheeling round for another attack. “Tuvok, arm phasers and fire when ready.”

The Hirogen ship continued to fire at them, ignoring hails and taking its own heavy damage. Kathryn gritted her teeth as battle updates flooded in all around her, telling her the strength of the Hirogen shields, the strength of their own. She’d been through this a hundred times before; she knew what to do. But it had never felt so frightening before now. The fluttering in her stomach increased.

Chakotay was also giving orders by her side, and she gave some more of her own as the battle continued. It was clear they were at an advantage; the Hirogen ship was small and not heavily armed, and it was alone. A few more targeted shots at their engines should be enough.

“Captain, they’ve penetrated the hull with their subnucleonic beam,” Harry warned her loudly. “Shields are destabilising.”

“Photon torpedoes, Mr. Tuvok,” she ordered. “They’re almost down, a couple more should do it.”

The torpedoes were launched, but not before one had come towards them from the Hirogen ship. Just as Kathryn watched their photon torpedoes collide with the Hirogen ship and disable it, another larger blast rocked _Voyager_ , easily penetrating their weakened shields and sending many people flying into their consoles or onto the floor, like Kathryn herself.

She cried out as she landed hard on her side, and a sharp pain went through her hip and rippled across her abdomen. Kathryn hissed in a breath as she tried to get back to her feet, stumbling slightly. A hand reached out to steady her, and she was aware of Chakotay’s face close to hers, guiding her back to her seat.

“Get us out of here, Tom,” he commanded, looking over his shoulder.

“Aye, sir.”

Kathryn sat back on her chair wincing slightly. The pain was only a dull ache in her side, but the fluttery feeling had worsened as fear clamped around her heart. She lightly pressed a hand over her lower abdomen.

Tom was swift in laying in a course and speed, and a few moments later they were at warp, and red alert was stood down. Kathryn tried to breathe deeply. _It’s okay, it’s over. Everything’s fine._

“Captain, you okay?” Chakotay’s voice was laced with concern.

She nodded, but couldn’t help the grimace across her face as she tried to adjust her position.

“Tom?” Chakotay turned to him.

Tom took the unsaid instruction immediately, and left his position to fetch the medkit behind Tuvok’s station, returning a moment later with a medical tricorder. He crouched in front of Kathryn and ran the scanner over her, brow furrowed as he examined the readings.

“Looks like there’s some bad damage to the hip muscles and tendons from the fall,” he said, moving the scanner across her hip. “No fracture though.”

“And the baby?”

Kathryn closed her eyes briefly as Chakotay asked the question she dared not. Tom passed the scanner over her again.

“Looks fine to me, but I’d have The Doctor take a look just in case.”

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief, and was certain Chakotay and Tom also had as well. Tom smiled slightly. “Looks like the kid’s really moving around in there. Can’t you feel it?”

Kathryn blinked, putting her hand on her stomach, the fluttery feeling she’d been experiencing all day but dismissed as nerves suddenly making sense.

“That’s what that is?” she asked, amazed. “I thought it was too early for that.”

“Well, it appears this kid’s as impatient as his mother,” Chakotay said, starting to smile as well. “You’d better get her down to sickbay, Tom.”

Tom nodded and went back to the medkit to fetch a hypospray. As soon as he pressed it against her neck, the aching pain in her hip faded, as did the backache she’d had all day. Slowly, she managed to stand up and was able to limp towards the turbolift with Tom keeping a firm grasp of her elbow as Chakotay began ordering damage reports. They stood in silence as they made their way to sickbay, Kathryn far too lost in thought to think of speaking as she kept her hand on her stomach.

She couldn’t feel the baby moving from the outside, but now she knew what to look for, she was acutely aware of the sensation of him moving around, feeling almost like butterflies or a bubbling sensation inside her. Her child, so vibrantly alive. But that could have so easily changed.

Kathryn spoke little as Tom escorted her to sickbay and left her with The Doctor, who examined her minutely and treated the damage to her hip, reassuring her of the baby’s health. She was too busy going over everything that had just happened.

Events like that were hardly unusual on _Voyager._ What if next time she landed on her stomach? Or what if the Hirogen attacked after the baby was born, or someone else? All it would take was one hull breach and she could lose him. Just one more fall in the wrong position and she could lose him before he was even born.

Just when things had started to look a little more bearable, all her old fears had come back to haunt her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the lack of updates the last two weeks. What can I say? Work has been insane for a whole bunch of Covid-related issues. 
> 
> Some lines of dialogue borrowed or adapted from Season 5 Episode 21 'The Omega Directive'.

A few weeks after their encounters with the Hirogen, Kathryn was once again standing in front of her bathroom mirror examining herself, grimacing a little at the stretch marks beginning to show on the side of her belly. Her uniform was lying on her bed, and she knew it was time to finally admit she was beaten. At twenty-one weeks, more than halfway through her pregnancy, she’d finally decided comfort came before personal appearance and replicated herself a new maternity uniform.

She dressed slowly, leaving her long and flared new jacket for last. It rested nicely over her bump, unlike the straining of before, and seemed baggy enough to last her several more weeks as well as minimising the shape of the bump itself. Inside, the baby wriggled slightly.

“You like it then?” she murmured resting her hand over the bump as she turned this way and that as she scrutinised her new appearance. “I’m not so sure myself.”

The baby shifted slightly again, and Kathryn allowed the smallest of smiles to grace her lips. The baby moved quite frequently now, usually feeling like a gentle fluttering movement or like a mild case of indigestion. It wasn’t yet at the stage of painful kicks to the ribs, which she was thankful for. Each time she felt it, her heart beat a little quicker. He was certainly determined to make his presence known. As if she could forget.

Sighing and resigning herself to the new uniform, she finally left her quarters and headed to sickbay for the nutritional supplement the Doctor had been giving her each morning. He looked up and smiled as she entered.

“My, you’re looking quite maternal, Captain!”

“Don’t,” she said, holding up a hand. “The less I hear about weight gain, the better.”

The Doctor dismissed her with a laugh and came to scan her, perhaps not having noticed how Kathryn had flinched at the word _maternal._ It was a word she had not yet quite reconciled herself to.

“I’m just glad you’ve settled down into a more regular eating schedule,” The Doctor said, closing his tricorder and fetching his hypospray. “Remember, the baby needs lots of nutrients. If you’re hungry, eat, but don’t go too crazy. Lots of small, healthy meals throughout the day is better than one big plate of Mr. Neelix’s worst in the evening.”

Kathryn certainly had been eating a great deal more than usual, and it was difficult to hold herself back at times. The baby simply never seemed to be satisfied, and though Kathryn had never really been one for pigging out, it was hard to deny that’s what she’d done at times.

Thanking The Doctor, she began to make her way to the bridge, wondering if the crew she passed on the way were staring or simply acknowledging her as they passed. She leaned against the wall in the turbolift, closing her eyes. She’d always been so careful to keep her private life so carefully private, but now, the most personal aspect of her life was on full display to the entire crew in a very obvious way. No one could look at her without seeing the pregnancy, and inevitably then remember how she was on her own, how her fiancé had abandoned her and how _awful_ it was. Pity was hard to stomach.

The turbolift doors slid open and she headed onto the bridge, walking down to the lower level to her seat. As she passed Chakotay, she saw a mischievous smile cross his lips.

“So, you finally admitted defeat then?” he asked. “The new wardrobe, I mean.”

“Yes, I figured not wanting to squash the poor kid to be lot more important than my own vanity,” she sighed, sinking into her seat, and adjusting the flared edges of the jacket. “Even if it does make me look even bigger than I am.”

“I think it looks nice,” Harry offered, before looking down at his monitors hurriedly, as though embarrassed to have been caught remarking on his captain’s personal appearance.

Kathryn raised her eyebrows and suppressed a smile. “Thank you, Harry.”

“I have never understood the Human obsession with size,” Tuvok remarked. “In pregnancy, it is expected that a woman will gain weight. It seems most illogical to be hesitant about acknowledging that fact.”

“You don’t know Human women very well then, Tuvok,” Tom said with a slight chuckle.

Kathryn smiled in response, but was pleased when conversation moved away from this line of discussion and her shift began. Nothing remarkable happened, and, growing uncomfortable sitting in the same place for too long, she soon moved to her ready room to pace around a little and stretch her legs and grab something to eat.

She moved back to her desk and sat down heavily to pull up some reports to read. Her head was aching with the effort of trying to walk around the ship every day and pretend everything was alright. While other women might be pleased at the growing size of her bump and the need to start wearing maternity clothes, Kathryn could not be enthusiastic about it, like everything else in her pregnancy so far.

Throwing down a PADD she buried her head in her hands feeling oddly close to tears. What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she be happy about this? If things continued like this, she knew she’d be a terrible mother. If she was honest with herself, the only thing making this entire situation bearable was the feeling of her child moving inside of her, and the scans and projections the Doctor had shown her. It reminded her that she was actually carrying another _life_ inside of her, and she needed to continue on for his sake.

Not for the first time in the last several weeks, she reached into the drawer beneath her desk and pulled out the old picture of herself and Mark. It had been a while since she displayed it openly; the way Mark’s eyes had always lingered on her had reminded her of his absence in an acutely painful way more often than it had reassured her or given her hope she would get home before he gave her up for dead. Now she cherished it, though it gave her pain to remember how happy they’d been when this image was made, looking forwards to their life together. She’d almost forgotten what he looked like, and now she drank in his features, wondering if his son would resemble him in any way, and if she could bear it if he did.

* * *

A few weeks later, Kathryn could hardly believe what she was looking at. The Omega symbol on her computer. The sign that she was to implement the Omega Directive. Fear had flooded her body as she’d first seen it when she remembered the disturbing briefing she had received upon her promotion to captain. This molecule was among the most dangerous of all substances. If something went wrong for whoever was experimenting with it, all space faring species in this region could be adversely affected forever. _We might not get home_.

It was impossible to carry out her original orders from the Alpha Quadrant, which left her with the only option of solving it on her own. But how to do that without informing the rest of the crew? She’d given her vague orders to Chakotay already, preparing them all for the mission she knew they’d need to go on and try and remedy this threat, but she knew the crew was itching with curiosity. She didn’t know how long she could conceal this from them.

A plan had quickly formed in her mind of how she could try and neutralise these molecules, but it would involve a great deal of potential risk on her part. While she’d normally be willing to take this risk, she was no longer thinking only of herself. She caressed her stomach for a moment. Kathryn had vowed she’d not allow her child to come in the way of her life as captain, but now, for the second time before he was even born, he might be preventing her from doing what she needed to for the safety of her crew.

Her only hope was Seven, who already knew of the Omega molecule from her life as a Borg. But could she ask her to risk her life to destroy them? It didn’t help that Seven seemed so reluctant at the idea. Nor that The Doctor had point blank refused to inoculate Kathryn with arithrazine, telling her than in her condition she should be going nowhere near theta radiation. She couldn’t deny that he was right, but it made her mission that much harder.

Chakotay entered her ready room, looking curiously at Kathryn.

“Status report?”

“Everything's going according to schedule.”

“Good,” she said, rubbing her temples. “The Omega Directive doesn't allow me to say much but I want you to know what to expect. At 0600 hours, Seven of Nine will be leaving in a shuttle. If possible, I’ll be going with her.”

Chakotay’s brows knitted together, his disapproval of her plan already evident. “Would it be out of line to ask where you're going?”

“I can tell you this,” Kathryn said. “One of two things is going to happen. Either Seven and I will succeed on our mission, and return within a few days, or your long range sensors will detect a large explosion in subspace. If that occurs, you'll have less than ten seconds to jump to warp and get the hell out of here. Head for the Alpha Quadrant and don't look back, understood?”

Chakoy’s disapproval grew even more apparent, and he licked his lips. “I always thought Starfleet was run by duty-crazed bureaucrats, but I find it hard to believe that even they would order a captain to go on a suicide mission. This shuttle excursion is your idea, isn't it?”

Kathryn winced. “Let's just say I've had to amend the Directive, given the circumstances. But you have your orders and I expect you to follow them.”

“That's expecting a lot,” he said, a slight bite to his voice. “You're asking me to abandon my captain and closest friend without even telling me why. My very _pregnant_ captain and friend.”

Kathryn sighed, knowing he was right but struggling to see what else she could do. “If it were a simple matter of trust, I wouldn't hesitate to tell you, but we've encountered situations where information was taken from us by force. I can't allow knowledge of Omega to go beyond _Voyager_.”

“That's a reasonable argument, but you're not always a reasonable woman. You're determined to protect this crew, and this time you've taken it too far. A dangerous mission? Fine, I'll acknowledge that, but isn't it more likely to succeed with everyone behind you, working together?”

  
“Ordinarily, I'd agree,” Kathryn said, deliberately looking away from the intense expression he had fixed on her. “But this Directive was issued many years ago, and Starfleet didn't exactly have our predicament in mind. Lost in the Delta Quadrant, with no backup. I can't ignore the orders, but I won't ask the crew to risk their lives because of my obligation.”

“My obligation,” Chakotay repeated, voice heavy with disbelief. “That's where you're wrong. _Voyager_ may be alone out here, but you're not. Let us help you. We'll keep classified information limited to the senior staff. We'll take every security precaution. Just don't try to do this alone.” She looked up as he took a few steps closer to her desk, heart jumping slightly as she saw how he was looking at her; as though she was something to be protected. “Do you really want to put your child’s life at risk?”

“My child’s life is at risk every minute I’m on _Voyager,”_ Kathryn said, surprising by how bitter her voice sounded. “Just look at what happened with the Hirogen a few weeks ago. This is for the greater good of everyone.”

“You don’t have to sacrifice yourself, Kathryn,” he said, voice growing louder as he came yet closer. “We can work together to do this. There’s no need for you to be alone.”

If only he knew how wrong he was, Kathryn thought, looking up at him, weariness seeping through every cell in her body. She was always alone these days.

Yet, she couldn’t deny what he was saying. If the Doctor wouldn’t inoculate her, she couldn’t accompany Seven on their mission to try and destroy the molecules, and she didn’t want to send Seven on her own. Perhaps the crew coming together _was_ the only option.

She sighed heavily and rubbed at her eyes for a moment, feeling how heavy they’d grown with lack of sleep.

“Assemble the troops.”

* * *

The senior staff had looked mildly stunned at everything she’d related so far about the Omega molecules, but to her pride, they each looked as determined as she was to eliminate them. Their mission was going well so far, and they’d now come within range of the moon where Omega had been detected. To her horror, the concentration of molecules was larger than anything she’d anticipated, and the damage to the facility more extreme.

“Harry, can we beam down?”

“I can get you there, but conditions in the structure aren't good. There are high levels of radiation.”

Kathryn nodded, eyes still locked on the horrific evidence of the explosion before her.

“Tuvok, assemble a rescue team and have them report to sickbay for arithrazine inoculations. Tell the Doctor to prepare for casualties. Tom, move Voyager into a high orbit, and then join the away team. We'll need a field medic.”

“Yes, ma'am.” Tom turned to look at her with a slight frown. “Uh, by _we,_ you don’t mean ...”

Kathryn was torn. She knew how vitally important it was that Omega be destroyed and that she had knowledge of how to do it, but knew she couldn’t. With difficulty, she realised Chakotay had been right and she’d just have to rely on her crew.

“As much as I’d like help find the Omega molecules, it’s impossible,” she said, brow furrowing. “I can’t have the inoculation. The away team should keep an open comm with me.”

The ship moved into the orbit, and soon, Tuvok and Tom had departed to head for sickbay. As Kathryn squirmed in her chair and looked over her scans. If anything happened to them … this was supposed to be _her_ responsibility.

“It’s not your fault you can’t go down there,” Chakotay said. It appeared he’d been watching her for several minutes. “Trust your team.”

“They shouldn’t even be involved in this,” she said tightly, a strange feeling growing in her stomach which had nothing to do with the baby. “The orders were mine to carry out.”

“I doubt even Starfleet would be happy to let you sacrifice your child for something like this.”

“These orders give me the power to rescind the Prime Directive,” Kathryn remarked uneasily, glancing at him for the first time. “Who knows what they’d expect?”

Chakotay had no answer to that, and Kathryn sank back into her dark mood. The baby sifted slightly, and she felt a huge sense of guilt press on her chest. What sort of mother was she going to be if she was _blaming_ her baby for being here? Resenting him?

And if things went wrong here and they were stranded forever in the Delta Quadrant with no way of getting back, what sort of life had she condemned him to live?

* * *

It had all worked. Everything had gone perfectly smoothly, despite getting on the wrong side of yet another alien species. Kathryn was sitting in her quarters reading over the reports of the away team and the data before she was obliged to delete it from the memory banks.

So why did she still feel so anxious?

Kathryn put down the report she was reading and buried her face in her hands. All her doubts over whether to continue with the pregnancy at the beginning were coming back to haunt her worse than ever. This is what she and her child would have to always contend with, possibly for the rest of their lives. Danger around every nebula, behind every moon. What would happen if there was another battle like the ones they’d recently faced against the Hirogen in a couple months time when she was barely able to walk without effort, let alone crawl around Jeffries tubes? And after he was born, what if there was another hostile species that boarded the ship? How could she protect him?

More than ever these days, she wondered if she’d made the correct choice. If her selfish desire to keep her child had overridden what was truly best for him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for everyone's comments! 
> 
> Some dialogue lifted/adapted from Season 5 Episode 1 'Night'.

Kathryn sat alone in her quarters staring out at the endless blank expanse which surrounded the ship. Two months. Almost _two months_ in this Void, and to all indications they still had a long way to go to get through it. Her baby would be born in darkness. He might not see a star until he was almost two years old.

She rubbed her belly as she stared outside, feeling a subtle movement inside as she did so. Only a few weeks until she’d be meeting him and she still didn’t feel ready. The Doctor had been meeting with her regularly, prepping her with breathing exercises and other such things for the birth, but Kathryn still couldn’t say she was looking forward to it. Any trace of enthusiasm had ended as they’d entered this Void. She’d replicated almost none of the things she’d need once the baby was here, nor even considered what adjustments she’d need to make to her quarters. Everything seemed pointless in the face of such emptiness.

Kathryn forced herself to her feet and began to pace her quarters, or more accurately, waddle around them, stretching her limbs after being kept in the same position for so long. She rarely left her quarters these days, in fact, not since the first couple of weeks after entering this region of space. She’d retreated entirely within herself, locked up with her listlessness, her crushing guilt which had finally caught up with her after suppressing it for so many years.

It had rapidly become clear that Kathryn was the one responsible for them all being trapped here. It had been _her_ decision to strand them all in the Delta Quadrant, _her_ fault her son could potentially never get to meet his father, why he’d be born in the world of this endless night. She’d been moving forward for so long, thinking only of the next planet, the next spatial anomaly, never really stopping the think of the consequences of her actions. It had begun when she’d found out about her pregnancy, but now was in full flow. The appearance of the apparently miraculous slipstream drive sent by Starfleet had been a hard blow, one which had left her almost breathless with despair when she’d realised it was all a ploy by a vengeful alien. For a moment, she had allowed herself to believe she’d soon be back home, seeing her mother and sister, perhaps even Mark, giving birth on Earth rather than here. But then it had been ripped away from her and she’d been left with the new guilt of realising her alliance with the Borg had destroyed another alien civilisation. As if she hadn’t had enough guilt of her own to deal with.

Chakotay visited from time to time, delivering reports on ship’s systems, but as nothing ever happened in this Void, he had little to say. He tried desperately to get her to talk to him, open up a little, but Kathryn simply couldn’t. She had no energy for that. More than once he’d grown a bit sharp with her, telling her that the crew needed their captain, and her child needed her as well, but it made little difference. Chakotay was probably going to be taking almost complete command anyway as soon as the baby was here, why not let him have the responsibility now? She doubted the crew needed her guidance. After all, she’d been so emotionally compromised for the last several months she’d been of no general use to anybody. When she wasn’t sitting numbly thinking about the futility of the future or being completely overwhelmed by feelings of despair and hopelessness, and was bursting into fits of tears at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason, isolating herself from everyone, neglecting to eat and was unable to get an entire night’s worth of sleep.

_I’m going to be a terrible mother_ , she thought as she paced, feeling tearful again. _I can’t even summon the energy to be happy about my child before he’s even born. What if he arrives and I still don’t feel anything?_

Kathryn crossed quickly to her replicator to try and pull herself out of these thoughts with a hot drink, but her replicator rations were up, meaning she’d have to venture to the mess hall. She sighed and checked the time. It was late, meaning she’d probably be able to slip in for a drink without being seen. Neelix had taken to leaving thermally controlled pots of cocoa and other drinks for the crew in the mess hall every evening. She wasn’t the only one feeling the insomnia associated with this Void.

She picked up her uniform jacket and shrugged into it, but did not fasten it, leaving her now very substantial bump exposed through her grey undershirt. Even the relative comfort of the maternity jacket seemed too restrictive these days. The entire ship seemed like a prison sometimes.

Kathryn left her quarters and quickly headed to the mess hall, relieved not to meet anybody on the way, and entered the darkened room to find it also empty. She swiftly moved to the galley and fetched herself a cup of cocoa, moving over to stand by the windows to drink it. There was no point really; the black sky outside was as oppressive here as it was in her quarters, and there was nothing to look at. She sipped her cocoa slowly, trying to remember the times as a child when she’d drunk this, and how comforted she’d felt as her mother had passed it to her, stuffed to the brim with marshmallows and whipped cream and sat her down to discuss her troubles. She longed to feel that way again. She didn’t want to feel alone anymore.

The doors hissed open behind her, and Kathryn looked over her shoulder to see Tom entering. He didn’t appear to have noticed her standing there, and he went to get a cup of his own. When he turned, a cup of steaming liquid in his hands, he suddenly became aware of her.

“Oh, Captain!” he said, looking startled. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were here.”

He glanced nervously towards the doors, as though wondering whether he should leave.

“It’s alright, Lieutenant,” she said, turning around a little more, remembering how desperately she’d just wished she could not feel so alone. “I’m not averse to some company at the moment.”

He half-smiled, and then his eyes widened as he saw her more fully. “Wow … it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, ma’am. You’ve, uh … you know …”

“Ballooned?” she asked, almost able to smile at his awkwardness.

“Well, I wouldn’t have phrased it like that, but yeah,” he said, smiling. “You must be close now.”

“A few weeks, or so the Doctor says,” she said, coming to sit down at one of the tables, Tom joining her a moment later. “Can’t say I’m disappointed. Pregnancy hasn’t been much fun.”

“Yeah, but then all the really hard work’ll start,” he said. “At the moment you can get away with a lot. After he’s here, it’ll be goodbye to those long lie ins and hours on the holodeck. Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Kathryn nodded, but didn’t smile, and he frowned a little.

“But I’m sure there’ll be good points as well,” he said, perhaps worried he’d upset her. “I mean, you’ll finally get to meet him. That’ll be great, right?”

“I suppose so,” Kathryn said, lifting her hand to her bump. Meeting him was half her worry; she was terrified this horrible weight which had been pressing down on her for weeks wouldn’t lift, and she’d be unable to show him the love he deserved.

“You know, you’ve been away from the bridge so much, half of us were starting to think you’d had the baby in secret,” Tom laughed lightly. “Chakotay’s stayed extremely tight-lipped about the whole thing, but it made sense as to why you’ve been letting him run things around here.”

Kathryn said nothing, but just sipped at her drink. Maybe it was better the crew thought that. What was the alternative? She was too stuck in an endless cycle of self-loathing and crippling anxieties and despair to be able to sit in her old chair?

“But obviously, that’s not the case,” he said, looking at her a bit too acutely. He hesitated, glancing at the doors and then began tapping his fingers against his own mug. “And if you don’t mind me saying it, Captain, you … haven’t really seemed like yourself for quite a while.”

“And you presume to know me that well, Lieutenant?” Kathryn’s reply was abrupt, and she immediately felt bad when she saw Tom’s wince. He was only trying to help after all. She sighed heavily. “You’ve got a point, Tom. Maybe it’s this region of space. It’s affecting everybody.”

Tom didn’t look convinced. In fact, he just looked more concerned. “Forgive me, Captain, but it’s seemed a bit longer than that. You are … happy about having this baby, right?”

Kathryn drank some more, staving off her answer to this question. She remembered Tom asking the same question months ago in the briefing room, and she didn’t have a better answer than she did the last time. Everyone always looked at her with a smile, Neelix being among the most enthusiastic, and seemed more excited about this baby than she was. Even her long chats with Samantha, which had pretty much ceased when they entered this region of space were full of the Ensign’s enthusiasm for her own pregnancy and her eager hopes that their children would grow up to be friends. Kathryn had listened to those hopes with the dull awareness that if they _weren’t_ friends, the poor kids would have no other children to turn to. Happy? No, she wasn’t happy. She was resigned. And she knew that was a horrible thing to say about her own child.

Tom was still looking at her, and his frown deepened with every passing moment she remained silent. Kathryn just felt worse. She could guess what he must be thinking; how could any mother be so reluctant to meet her own child this close to the birth? What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she be like Samantha and be beside herself with joy?

“Of course, I’m happy,” she said, unable to come up with any reply other than the one she’d given him last time. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Tom looked as though he was about to say something again, but Kathryn stood up quickly, well, as quickly as she could these days.

“I think I’ll turn in. Goodnight, Lieutenant.”

“You too, Captain.” Tom’s eyes were narrowed, but he said nothing else as she turned and walked out of the mess hall. This was why Kathryn had avoided interaction with others recently. She only came out of it feeling ten times worse.

* * *

“You want to _what?”_

Chakotay was staring at her, jaw hanging open. He appeared unsure whether he was appalled or angry. Kathryn knew how he felt.

“This vortex needs to be closed, Chakotay,” she said, looking away from the scans of the vortex on her monitor. “The Malon can’t be allowed to get away with continuing to kill these Void aliens.”

“I agree, but—”

“It has to be closed from this side, Chakotay,” she said, standing up to walk across her quarters. She stared out into the Void again. “Someone needs to stay on this side to collapse it.”

“And why the hell does that have to be you?”

“I’m the one who gave the order to destroy the Caretaker’s array,” she said, eyes fixed on the blackness, hands loosely held by side. “I can’t ask the crew to make that sacrifice again.”

“Two more years in the Void is a small price to pay to keep our captain with us.”

“It’s too big a sacrifice,” she said, feeling her throat starting to burn. “I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve had two months stuck here to think about it. “

“And what about the baby?” Chakotay’s voice was growing louder, tone far more confrontational than any first officer in Starfleet would be allowed to have with their captain. “You’re just gonna strand yourself here in a shuttle with hardly any food, all alone with a baby to look after?”

Kathryn touched her stomach, the burning growing worse. Tears began to well up behind her eyes. “I’m close to term. The Doctor could deliver him early. He’d be fine here on _Voyager_.”

“And would you?” Chakotay had come to stand behind her. “Would you be happy to spend the rest of your life stuck here alone away from your child?”

“If I had to.”

“How can you even contemplate this?” he demanded, growing angrier by the second, unaware that Kathryn was close to breaking down entirely. “This is a suicide mission, Kathryn. Why are you so happy to throw this away? That kid’s already going to have to grow up lightyears away from his father, and you’d condemn him to growing up without a mother as well? How could you leave him behind?”

This was it, Kathryn knew her barriers were about to collapse. Weakness came over her and the tears welled up worse than ever. She covered her face with her hands and sank down into the couch before the window, shuddering.

“Because maybe he’d be better off without me.”

Tears were in full flow now, but she kept her face hidden, breathing deeply, trying to bring her emotions under control. But she didn’t think she could. She’d always considered herself as someone in control, strong and resilient, but now she felt weaker than an infant, like a fragile petal clinging on to a flower for dear life, about to be blown away at any second to curl up and die on the cold earth. She didn’t have the energy to fight this.

She was so lost for a moment, she didn’t realise that Chakotay had come to sit at her side. He placed one hand on her back, rubbing it soothingly. Kathryn could feel the heat radiating off him, but the calmness he had always exuded before now couldn’t soothe her any more. She wanted to just turn her face and weep onto his shoulder as she had done months ago.

“Why on earth would you think that, Kathryn?” he asked her gently. “I get you feel guilt over what happened with the Ocampa, but that’s nothing to do with this, is it? You’re not happy. You haven’t been in a while.”

She shook her head, moving her hands away from her face, but keeping them on the side of her head, fingers curling in her hair, so filled with conflicting and painful emotions she felt she could tear her hair out.

“No, I’m not,” she admitted, fighting to speak clearly through the unshed tears. “The rest of you, the way you talk about this, you’re all so happy for me. Neelix is convinced he’s going to be godfather, Tom’s taking bets on the baby’s weight, Tuvok’s giving me parenting advice, The Doctor’s got a list of names. But I’m not. I’ve tried. I’ve tried _so_ hard. But I can’t. And how am I supposed to look after this child and be his mother when I’m not happy he’s here? It sounds awful, but there’s a part of me dreading him being born. Because then I’ll have to look at him and know that I’m not completely happy he’s here and face all that guilt again. And I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What kind of mother isn’t looking forward to meeting her child?”

She put her hands across her bump, hugging it slightly as she felt the baby moving inside. “I’m terrified, Chakotay,” she said, sniffing. “I’m terrified that I’m not going to be able to love him the way he needs me to.”

Chakotay came a little closer and took one of her hands in his own, placing his other across the bump, near her own. He dropped his voice very low, bending his head close to hers.

“You feel that?” he said, moving his hand across her stomach as the baby continued moving. “This baby needs you, he’s a part of you, now _and_ when he’s born. You can’t leave him behind.”

“He deserves what I can’t give him,” Kathryn said sadly.

“Yes, you can,” he said, holding her hand a little more tightly. “You have so much love in you, Kathryn. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be able to show him all the love he needs. I saw the look in your eyes when you first heard his heartbeat. Maybe all it takes is for you to finally meet him.”

“And what if I don’t?” Kathryn asked, staring down at her stomach. “What if when I look at him, I feel nothing?”

“You wouldn’t have kept him if you felt nothing,” he said softly. “You don’t have to feel this guilt, Kathryn. Pregnancy’s an emotional time for everyone, and you’ve had a more unconventional one than most. Hell, we’ve had a pretty unconventional last four years. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. No other Starfleet captain has faced the pressures you have over the last few years. But a mission like this, it’s not the answer. It’s not who you are, you don’t run from problems.”

“I also don’t tend to cry in front of subordinates,” she said bitterly. “I haven’t acted like myself, I haven’t _felt_ like myself in a long time.”

“Have you considered you might be depressed?” he asked gently. She turned her head towards him to see his dark eyes bright with emotion.

“A few times,” she confessed. “But I didn’t want to admit it.”

“Maybe you need to,” Chakotay said, taking his hand from her belly to close it over the one already holding hers. “From what I know, it’s not that uncommon in pregnancy, even without circumstances like yours. There’s no shame in admitting you need a little help, Kathryn. Talk to the Doctor about it, talk to me, or anyone you trust. Just don’t keep pretending everything’s okay when it’s not. This is the twenty-fourth century, Kathryn, no one would ever judge you, least of all me.”

Kathryn looked at him, unable to find the words to express what she was feeling right now, half worried she was either about to start crying again or throw her arms around him. He solved her dilemma for her by reaching out and pulling her into an embrace, letting her rest her head on his shoulder, arms around her shoulders and gently rubbing her back. She leaned towards him, unable to get too close with the giant bump in the way, but she slowly relaxed into his embrace. Finally, some of his innate calmness seemed to leak through her walls and she began to feel her dark thoughts clear, just a little.

For that moment, they weren’t captain and first officer, and they weren’t two platonic friends either. She wasn’t sure what they were, but she knew more than ever that she was glad she was here with him, even in the Delta Quadrant, that she’d had the chance to get to know this amazing man she’d once been sent to capture.

Destroying the Caretaker’s array and stranding them here may not have been so wholly bad at least in this regard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking for opinions! So, the next chapter comes out at about 10,000 words. It features a certain ... happy event 😉 Most of my chapters so far have been about half that length but when writing this one I just didn't want to stop in the middle! Would people prefer the longer chapter or having it split in two parts?


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By general consensus, the chapter is in its full 10k glory! I just thought I'd ask since I've had times in the past where people have disliked a sudden change to longer chapters. 
> 
> Also, I totally didn't steal the general plot idea of this chapter from TNG episode 'Disaster' ...

Two weeks after the incident with the Malon, Kathryn found herself again alone in the mess hall at night drinking a soothing cup of cocoa, only this time, there was a slight ray of light in the darkness, much like the stars which were now streaming past the window at warp. After her emotional conversation with Chakotay she had visited The Doctor and explained a little of how she was feeling, Chakotay at her side. The Doctor, with all his programmed counselling programmes, despite having a reputation for his poor bedside manner, had proven a remarkable listener and shown no judgement at all in his recommendations. He had prescribed her some medications and some other non-medical treatments to help lift some of her depressive moods, as well as completely signing her off from duty. As resentful as Kathryn would normally have felt about this, she realised now how necessary it was. She had attempted to strand herself alone in the Void without her child; if that wasn’t a sign something was wrong, what was?

She wasn’t expecting some miracle cure, and after only two weeks she knew she was far from over this yet, but initial progress looked good. Talking about it finally for the first time had been the first step to feeling better, and she couldn’t deny just how much of a weight that had taken from her shoulders. She didn’t feel quite as hopeless as she had a few weeks ago; a combination of leaving the Void, the medication and discussing her problems had helped her begin to see a way out of this confusing mess.

Kathryn winced, and placed a hand on her belly as she felt a slight cramping in her abdomen. Pains like this had been coming and going over the last few days. The Doctor had told her they were false contractions as her body was preparing for birth. A huge part of her was still terrified at the thought of having the baby, but thanks to Chakotay, a smaller part of her was daring to hope. These contractions were heightening the anxiety she was feeling. Would she be able to look after her child properly when she could barely look after herself these days? And even if everything worked out for the best, she was not naïve enough to believe everything would be magically fixed the moment the baby was here.

Another contraction rippled through her, and Kathryn rubbed her belly again. She was beginning to wonder if she should see The Doctor again. He’d said to call him if the contractions began to become regular and more painful. Unlike the ones of the past week, these ones didn’t seem to be fading away. Was this it? Was she finally in labour?

The mess hall doors slid open behind her, and Kathryn didn’t need to turn and look to see that it was Tom. He came here every night, ostensibly to fetch himself a late night drink, but Kathryn really knew it was because he was aware this was where she was also to be found on a nightly basis. It was quite sweet actually the way he checked on her. They didn’t usually exchange many words, perhaps a few pleasantries and wishing each other a goodnight, but Kathryn had grown to look forward to these brief interactions with someone other than The Doctor or Chakotay. It was helping her feel more human, more like herself.

“Good evening, Captain,” he said, pouring out his drink, smiling over at her. He lifted his mug and took a quick sip before coming to stand near her. “Had a good day?”

“Oh, you know,” she said, shrugging. “Walked around my quarters a couple hundred times. Read a little. Worked on some old reports. Not quite as taxing as facing off against the Borg.”

He chuckled. “Well, that’ll be changing soon won’t it? By my calculations, your baby will be here any time.”

_Yes, perhaps very soon_ , Kathryn said, glancing down at her bump as she felt another twinge. She was fairly sure now. These pains hadn’t abated all day, and seemed to be growing closer together. Still, her waters hadn’t broken, and they weren’t too painful yet. Maybe she still had time.

Despite the upturn in her moods the last two weeks, she couldn’t deny that she was still reluctant to finally meet her baby. Her fear was now not crippling, but it was hardly entirely gone either.

“You given any thought to names, Captain?” Tom asked, when she stayed silent. “Personally, I’m all for Thomas. Good strong name, don’t you think?”

Kathryn smiled, her mood lifting just a little. “I don’t know about that. Bit old-fashioned for me.”

“I prefer to call it classic,” Tom said, smiling himself now. “Nothing wrong with tradition now and again.”

“Perhaps,” Kathryn said. “But this situation we’re in is hardly traditional.”

“All the more reason.”

Kathryn was about to turn and continue their good-natured banter when the ship suddenly dropped out of warp. She only had time to look out of the window for a half second and wonder what had happened when Chakotay’s urgent voice came over the comm.

“ _All hands, brace for impact.”_

Tom leapt into action immediately and grabbed onto the units in front of the galley, pulling Kathryn with him by the elbow, bracing them both just in time. A massive shockwave hit the ship, and Kathryn was barely able to remain standing, even with Tom’s help. There was a groaning sound as the walls and floors juddered, and a few circuitry panels around the mess hall overloaded in a flash of sparks. The turbulence lasted only a few seconds, but they remained in position a few moments longer in case of further disturbances. When Tom finally released her, Kathryn stood straight and immediately went to the windows, where she was frustrated to see nothing which could account for what had happened. A smell of acrid smoke was filling the mess hall from the short circuited units, and several utensils and food items had overturned or were spilling onto the floor in the galley, but otherwise, the room was pretty intact.

“Janeway to bridge, report,” Kathryn said, touching her commbadge. Although Chakotay was now officially acting captain, she wasn’t quite ready to relinquish control in an emergency just yet. There was no response. She looked to Tom, who also touched his hand to his badge.

“Lieutenant Paris to bridge, come in.”

Silence. He frowned. “Paris to Chakotay, respond. Paris to Tuvok. Paris to _anybody_ on the ship.”

Kathryn’s heart leapt. Trying to stay rational, she breathed deeply for a moment. It was highly unlikely that the two of them were the only survivors of the shockwave when the mess hall was not a particularly well shielded area yet had escaped substantial damage. Much more likely that comms were down. Chakotay and the others were probably alright.

“I should get up there,” Janeway muttered, mind firmly set in emergency mode, but as she began to walk towards the mess hall doors, Tom leapt in front of her.

“With all due respect, Captain, I don’t think you should.”

“Excuse me?” Kathryn stared at him. “This is an emergency. That’s where my place is.”

“Chakotay’s acting captain now,” Tom said, grimacing almost apologetically. “This is his mess to sort out, whatever it is. This close to term you should probably let him handle this.”

Logically, Kathryn knew he was right, but emotionally, she knew if there was a problem with her ship she should be trying to help fix it and not letting someone else do all the work.

She sidestepped him, but before he could jump in front of her again she had reached the mess hall doors. However, they did not open. Kathryn stepped backwards and tried again, but they remained stubbornly closed. She accessed the panel at the side of the door, but even the manual override would not budge them.

Forgetting her immediate drive to get to the bridge, she turned to look at Tom. Also confused, he approached the doors and began to try and prise them open by hand. He did not get very far, and after a few centimetres were open, it became clear why.

“Emergency bulkhead,” he said, letting go of the doors with a grunt of effort. “Isolation procedures. There must be a hull breach somewhere.”

This did nothing to ease Kathryn’s worries. If these bulkheads were in operation, emergency forcefields had failed and there was a dramatic loss of power across the ship. It also meant there was a strong possibility many people were dead.

“So we’re stuck,” Kathryn said, rubbing her temple, fighting the sense of panic beginning to build inside her as she experienced another contraction, this one again, slightly more painful. The discomfort in her abdomen was becoming ever more acute, and she wasn’t sure if she could disguise it from Tom much longer.

“Apparently,” he said. He clapped his hands together in a falsely jovial way. “At least we’re stuck in the room where all the food is.”

“Very amusing, Lieutenant,” she said. “Go and check the other entrances.”

Tom headed off to check and Kathryn allowed herself a moment to exhale loudly, screwing up her face as the contraction ended. That had been almost a minute, she was sure. She wasn’t so certain these were false contractions anymore. Of all the times to go into labour.

“Guess we’ll just have to wait it out,” Tom said, coming back to her after an unsuccessful attempt to get out. “Got any good parlour games?”

Kathryn ignored him and began to pace a little, hoping Tom would mistake this for worry for her crew and not an attempt to ease her discomfort.

“We don’t know the condition of the rest of the ship. There could be a lot of damage. We need to find a way to re-establish communication, but I don’t see how we can do that from here. Any ideas?”

“I could access the communications panel and see if I can establish a connection to the bridge, but it’s a long shot,” Tom said, frowning thoughtfully. He glanced around the mess hall. “If comms are down, it’s a safe bet most other ship systems are, replicators, transporters. Seems like life support’s okay though.”

Kathryn nodded distractedly as another wave of pain came over her. Some of the strain must have shown on her face, for Tom looked concerned.

“You okay, Captain? You weren’t hurt in the shockwave, were you?”

“No, Tom, I’m fine,” she said, quickly, not wanting to go into all this with him yet. Hopefully they could be rescued before labour properly started.

“Well, you should sit down at least. I’ll get you something to drink before I go work on the panel. Stress right now isn’t good for you.”

Kathryn did not argue, but sank into a chair, gripping the edge of the table tightly while Tom ran and fetched her a mug of something. As he began tinkering with the communications, Kathryn breathed slowly and deeply, trying to focus her mind on other things than the growing pains in her stomach. She couldn’t go into labour now, not in the middle of a ship-wide emergency. Not when her only companion was Tom.

But despite her attempts to calm down, her heartbeat grew ever faster. This baby was coming, regardless of whether she thought she was ready for it or not. Everything she’d been building up to, fearing, dreading, worrying about was now almost upon her. Looks like she was about to find out if she’d cope or not.

* * *

“Status, Harry?” Chakotay glanced over at the operations station.

“Warp core containment field strength has stabilised,” Harry announced, and Chakotay sighed with relief. “B’Elanna must have gotten someone on it.”

“At least we know now there’s someone alive down there for certain,” Chakotay said. “Any word on when we’ll have comms back?”

“Sorry,” Harry said, shaking his head. “I’m having trouble with re-establishing the interface. Could be an hour, maybe two, or three.”

“We’re out of immediate danger, that’s the main thing,” Chakotay said. He looked down at the monitors in the armrest, even though he knew they weren’t functioning. “Do you know what happened yet, Seven?”

From her station at the back of the bridge, Seven reviewed the sensor logs. “I believe we were hit by some form of gravimetric shear emanating from a nearby protostar cluster. I have partial sensors online. There does not seem to be a hull breach, though the computer is unable to determine that and lift the isolation protocol. I must continue working on bypassing the override protocols.”

“Good, keep on it,” Chakotay said. He stood from his chair, or rather _Kathryn_ ’s chair, and walked towards Tuvok’s station. “You got internal sensors back?”

“Yes, but their accuracy is variable,” Tuvok said.

“Lifesigns in the rest of the ship?” Chakotay hardly dared hear the answer. His thoughts were already racing with horror filled images of the rest of the crew, of Kathryn.

“A great many,” Tuvok said, and Chakotay closed his eyes briefly. “I cannot yet say with any certainty if there have been any casualties, nor if we have the full complement, but several lifesigns appear weaker, as though there have been some injuries.”

_Most are alive. At least there’s that_ , Chakotay thought, trying to pull his mind away from terrified thoughts of Kathryn lying dead or dying somewhere. He had to focus now, lead with as much confidence as she had done so many times in this position.

“Good work, everyone,” Chakotay said, getting as professional as he could. “Engines and life support are stable, so our focus is on the main computer, inter-ship communication and clearing up those sensor readings so we can override the emergency containment. It’s vital we clear those bulkheads as soon as possible; we can’t do anything caught in traps like this. Mr. Kim, after you’ve got comms online, try and get transporters. I’ve got a feeling we’ll be transporting a lot of people to sickbay after we can talk to each other again.”

“May I remind you, Commander,” Seven said, raising an eyebrow, “that the longer we stay in this region of space the greater the risk we are hit by another gravimetric shear. Perhaps we should be vacating the area.”

“We’ve only got a quarter impulse, Seven,” Chakotay said, “at that speed we’re little better than a snail. We might as well stick around, regroup, take stock before we think of repairing the impulse or warp drives. Clear?”

“Perfectly.”

Chakotay went to work with Harry at ops, desperate to re-establish communications with the rest of the ship, hopefully sooner rather than later. Not knowing what was happening with Kathryn was a lot harder than he’d thought.

* * *

It had now been three hours since the shockwave had hit, and Kathryn knew it was now almost impossible that she could hide her condition from Tom. It was taking everything she had not to gasp and cry aloud as every contraction began, and it was only the fact that he was facing away from her at the comm panel which prevented him seeing the pain crossing her face. They were now a regular five minutes apart, lasting forty seconds each. Her mind went back to all the Doctor’s explanations and reading she had been doing on her own. Her waters hadn’t broken, and she had so far felt no urge to push. She was still in the early stages, and thankfully, first time mothers had longer labours. Kathryn fervently hoped everything would be resolved soon. She didn’t much relish the idea of giving birth in the mess hall.

“Think I’ve almost got it, Captain!” Tom cried triumphantly from across the room. Kathryn wiped the grimace from her face as he turned to look at her. “Give me another minute and I’ll have communication to the bridge.”

“Good, how’d you manage that, Tom?” Kathryn asked, trying to keep him talking and not focusing on her.

“Well, we’re only one deck below them, so I’ve managed to set up a link across the connecting bio-circuitry using my commbadge. We won’t be able to contact anybody else though.”

“Not a problem, Lieutenant.” Kathryn bent her head low, desperately trying to keep the strain from her voice. “Do what you can.”

Tom kept fiddling with the panel, and then the next moment, had pressed a button. “Paris to bridge. Anyone up there?”

There was a pause, and then came a voice.

“ _Tom? How’d you get through?”_

Kathryn almost cried in relief at the sound of Chakotay’s voice. _He’s alright_.

“I’m not just a pilot, Commander.” Tom was now grinning. “I’ve managed to establish a two way link between us since you guys up on the bridge seem to be taking so long. Now, can you tell us what the hell happened?”

Chakotay chuckled shortly. “ _There was an unexpected gravimetric shear from the protostar cluster we were passing. Wiped out most of our systems. We’ve been working on bringing everything back online.”_

“Was there a hull breach?”

“ _No, but the computer thinks there was. We’ve gotten internal sensors working again and all biosigns are accounted for. We’ve managed to release some of the emergency bulkheads in some areas but it’s taking a while, and comms and transporters are proving stubborn.”_

Kathryn felt her worries decreasing as the reassuring tones of Chakotay crossed the mess hall towards her. No one was dead. Things were in hand. It was a huge weight off her shoulders.

“ _Where are you, Tom?”_

“Mess hall. All the entrances are blocked. We can’t get out.”

“ _I’m afraid you’ll just have to sit tight. We’re prioritising areas with injured crewmembers. Who’s there with you?”_

_“_ The captain. We’re both okay. Though I can’t say the cake Neelix baked for Crewman Romero’s birthday tomorrow will be for much longer.”

“ _I won’t tell Neelix if you don’t. Keep yourselves safe in there. We’ll get to you when we can.”_

“Acknowledged. Just don’t expect there to be any food left in the mess hall by the time you reach it.”

Tom finished the conversation and turned back towards Kathryn, looking like his own cheerful self. Kathryn knew then he had been as worried about B’Elanna as she had been about Chakotay. The knowledge that everyone was alive was a huge relief to them both.

He came to sit at the same table Kathryn was sitting at, clasping his hands together and breathing out heavily. “So, what do we do now? A game of I spy?”

Kathryn did not smile, or laugh, or even reply. She was gripped in the clutches of another contraction, and she knew this time she couldn’t disguise it at all. Especially when she felt a slight popping sensation inside her abdomen and a trickle of fluid coming down between her legs.

“Captain?” Tom came around from his side of the table and crouched before her, eyes bright with concern. “Are you alright?”

Trying not to cry aloud, she shook her head, closing her eyes tightly. “No, Tom. I think I’m in labour.”

When she opened her eyes, Tom was still crouched there before her, eyes wide. He looked stunned, and more than a little apprehensive.

“Uh,” he said, looking around, as if hoping someone would miraculously appear to help him, “you sure?”

“I’ve been having contractions for hours,” she said, relaxing as the last one ended. “And they’re getting worse. I think my water just broke.”

_“Hours?_ Why didn’t you say anything?” Tom leapt up and ran for the medkit stored in the galley, returning a moment later with a small case which he placed on the desk. He opened it to withdraw a tricorder and began scanning her. His eyes grew even wider.

“Yep, definitely labour,” he said, swallowing. “Looks like you’re about four centimetres dilated. Active phase. This baby’s coming.”

“I can’t have it here,” she said, breathing heavily “Not like this. I need The Doctor.”

“Well, looks like you’re just gonna have to make do with a field medic,” Tom said. He laughed, but it was a very clearly nervous laugh. He was still staring at the tricorder as though hoping the readings would suddenly change.

Kathryn would have groaned if she didn’t want to spare his feelings. The thought of having Tom Paris deliver her baby was not the most welcome, particularly as he looked even more frightened at the thought than she did.

_Well,_ she thought ruefully, as Tom scanned her again. _The pregnancy started off weird, why not end it that way too?_

* * *

Chakotay peered over Harry’s shoulder at the progress he was making. He couldn’t fault the ensign’s hard work, but it was still going frustratingly slow. Everything was. They’d managed to clear the emergency bulkheads around sickbay and engineering, and some of the worst injured had already made their way there, at least according to the bioreadings they could see. It was infuriating not to be able to find out for certain what was going on.

“I have managed to free one more bulkhead, Commander,” Seven said, keeping her eyes on her console. “Deck 10, Section C.”

“Good work,” he said, moving over towards her as well. “If we keep it up, at this rate the entire ship could be free by the time we reach the Alpha quadrant.”

“Inaccurate. We should be entirely free within eight point five hours, Commander.” Seven frowned slightly, and Chakotay couldn’t help but chuckle.

“It was a joke, Seven. A very small one.”

“I cannot understand the fascination with joking when in dangerous situations,” she said, returning to her work. “Lieutenant Paris was also joking when he made contact. I would have thought being trapped would be a sufficient reason for sobriety.”

“You’ve still got a lot to learn about Humans,” Chakotay said, smiling. “Joking is what keeps us calm in an emergency.”

“I also struggle to understand it,” Tuvok said, glancing at Seven. “But I have observed that crews function more efficiently when they release the tension associated with an emergency in bouts of light-hearted humour.”

“Even when facing death?”

“Fortunately, no one is facing death,” Chakotay said, beginning another scan of his own next to Seven, checking for which area had the highest concentration of trapped crewmembers. He passed over the mess hall with reluctance. Finding out that Kathryn was alright had calmed him considerably. Though he’d logically known she must be considering the biosigns they’d registered, it hadn’t really hit him until Tom had called.

“There are several injured crewmen in cargo bay two,” he said, reviewing the scan. “Lifesigns are fluctuating. We should work on that area next. Harry, see if you can establish communication with that area. Even brief contact.”

“Aye sir,” Harry said. Since Tom had called fifteen minutes ago, Harry had been successful in establishing short communication bursts with engineering using a similar method, and even a ten second one with The Doctor, which had only resulted in them hearing The Doctor’s loud complaints at the condition of the ship before cutting out. But short bursts were better than nothing.

At that moment, Tom’s voice came over the comm again.

“ _Uh, Commander? I know you’re probably busy, but do you have an update?”_

_“_ I told you, you’ll just have to wait,” Chakotay said, refraining from rolling his eyes. “I know it can’t be comfortable being stuck so long but we’ve got a lot to do up here. We’re focusing on medical emergencies.”

“ _Yeah, that’s my point. We kinda have one here.”_

Chakotay froze for a second, then glanced up, heart racing. Tom sounded okay, which meant …

“What is the medical emergency, Lieutenant?” Tuvok asked, when Chakotay did not answer immediately.

“ _It’s the captain. She’s in labour.”_

Chakotay breathed out, a little relieved, and a little more anxious than he’d been before. Of all the times for the baby to start coming.

“Is she okay?” he asked, heart still hammering.

_“She’s fine, but she’s been in labour for a while and just hid it. Things are progressing now her waters have broken. The birth could still be hours away though with any luck. Any chance you could speed things up?”_

Chakotay glanced around the bridge and was met with distressed expressions and the quiet shaking of heads. Freeing the bulkheads was taking longer than they’d thought, and they still had many areas with higher priority where crewmembers were badly injured. Though labour was indeed an emergency, it wasn’t immediately life threatening, and Tom was a field medic after all.

“We’ll do our best, Tom,” he said, closing his eyes briefly, hoping Kathryn wasn’t able to hear. “You’ll just have to try and hold the fort there for a while. Don’t worry, you’ve just moved way up on our list. Do what you can. We’ll check in with you as often as we’re able.”

There was a short pause. “ _Acknowledged, Commander.”_

Chakotay stayed still for a moment, fighting the wave of panic which was threatening to build up inside his chest. This was definitely not the way he wanted Kathryn to have her baby, and certainly not how she had either, judging by the fact she had tried to mask the beginning of her labour. Everything was still so difficult and emotional for her at the moment, this could only make things worse. She needed extra support, more than Tom could give her without being aware of her struggles. He’d offered to Kathryn to be there himself during the birth, and though she hadn’t quite decided yet, he’d been under the impression she was open to the idea. But now she was facing potentially giving birth trapped in a room during a ship-wide emergency, away from the people who knew her situation with only a field medic and a basic emergency medkit to help her. The resigned note in Tom’s voice had told him he knew and accepted they were still not immediate priority for rescue, but had there been a touch of panic in that voice as well?

“Harry, once you’ve finished getting that communication with cargo bay two, get working on establishing a permanent link between here and sickbay on the emergency channel,” he ordered, forcing his mind into a rational pattern. “We can then use the connection with Tom to set up a relay feed. I get the feeling he’s gonna need some advice from The Doctor.”

“Yes, sir,” Harry replied, and began working with an increased sense of urgency. He was worried about the captain, just as he was.

“Tuvok, what are the odds we can get transporters online soon?” Chakotay turned and asked.

“Not high,” Tuvok said gravely. “The gravitational waves emanating from the star cluster are interfering with the materialisation matrix.”

It wasn’t ideal, Chakotay thought, in fact, decidedly _less_ than ideal. But for the moment, Kathryn and Tom would just have to try and manage the best they could for now.

He just hoped Tom knew what he was doing.

* * *

It was now almost two hours after they’d made contact with the bridge, and Kathryn was now well into labour, her contractions growing ever more intense and coming every three minutes. She employed every breathing exercise the Doctor had shown her, and Tom had administered some pain medication from the medkit, but it was doing little. Moving seemed to help somewhat, so she paced the mess hall, bending over double every few minutes as another contraction hit her, now unable to suppress the low moans in her throat as the pain rippled across her abdomen. She barely had time to catch her breath and recover before the next one started.

Tom walked with her, talking in low reassuring tones, saying things which Kathryn barely heard but appreciated anyway, scanning her every so often to check on the progress. His wild manic look of an hour ago had passed, but the way he continued babbling on told her his nerves had not faded at all. He fetched her water from the galley and generally tried to look after her the best he could, but it was clear he was vastly out of his comfort zone.

Another more intense contraction came on and she halted, gasping loudly, forgetting her breathing exercises and crying out. Tom was at her side in a moment and he took her hand in his. “Breathe, Captain,” he said, “like you were doing before. Come on, breathe.”

The wave of pain peaked and then began to fade as Kathryn tried to do as he asked and focus only on her breathing. As it passed, she let go of his hand, realising how tightly she’d been gripping it.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to crush your hand like that.”

“Don’t worry about it. A pilot doesn’t need two hands in the twenty-fourth century,” he said lightly. “It’s all just tapping panels these days.”

“They’re getting worse,” she panted, starting to pace again, fighting through the increased pressure she could feel in her abdomen. Her back and legs were now also aching. She didn’t think she could keep moving much longer.

“Everything seems okay,” he said, stopping her for a moment to do another scan. “You and the baby. Looks like things are speeding up. You’re almost at the second stage.”

“That’s not what I want to hear,” she said, massaging her belly. The dread which had accompanied her for most of her pregnancy had never felt as bad as it did now.

“Look on the bright side, won’t be long till you get to meet him.”

Kathryn nodded, and tried to start walking again, but her legs were beginning to shake so she sat down instead. Tom sat near her, watching her like a hawk.

“You’re looking forward to seeing him, aren’t you?” Tom asked her. His expression was intensely acute, far more than she’d expect from him.

“Not like this,” she said, honestly. She rocked her body slightly, though she wasn’t sure why. “I was just finally starting to stop dreading it, and now this happens.”

“Dreading labour, right, not the baby itself?”

Kathryn continued rocking back and forth, too flooded with pain and anxiety to bother trying to conceal anything.

“Let’s just say I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with all this,” she said, avoiding his eyes. “It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing.”

Tom was quiet for a moment. “I guess it can’t have been easy. Being captain and finding out all this. Dealing with this situation. And then the news you got from home.”

Kathryn was about to agree when another contraction came on. Tom came closer and took her hand again.

“Sorry,” she managed to hiss as she began squeezing his hand again.

“Don’t worry,” he said, though his voice was a little higher than usual. “Crush away. It’ll give me practice if B’Elanna ever has a kid. I imagine Klingons are even more violent in labour.”

“I bet you didn’t expect we’d be in this situation when you came in earlier to check on me,” Kathryn said, when the pain had subsided. She was feeling dizzy, and talking helped her focus a little.

“I wasn’t checking on you.” Tom protested. When Kathryn looked at him and raised an eyebrow, he sighed in defeat. “Alright, maybe I was. I’ve been a bit worried for you, Captain. I can’t help it. I don’t know what I thought I’d do, but … I just wanted to let you know I was there, I guess.” He laughed shortly. “But yeah, didn’t quite expect to be here for you like _this.”_

“I appreciated it, Tom,” she said sincerely, trying to smile despite the aching in her entire lower body. “I’ve actually looked forward to our late night talks.”

“Good,” he said, “because I think we’ll be stuck in here for the rest of this one. By the time the bridge manages to get to us we’ll be best of friends.”

Kathryn nodded, already thinking that the relationship between her and Tom would forever be changed by this. The way things were going, things were about to get _far_ more up close and personal.

“For what it’s worth,” Kathryn said, “I’m glad it’s you. I don’t think Seven would be quite so encouraging.”

Tom laughed slightly. “I can imagine it now. ‘Pain is irrelevant. Begin the birth process immediately.’”

Kathryn also managed a short laugh. Perhaps Tom’s light-hearted humour would be enough to sustain her through this. She thought she’d be in a panicking mess otherwise.

* * *

“Commander, I’ve established the link with sickbay,” Harry said.

“Finally, some good news,” Chakotay said, tearing his eyes away from the scans. “Open the channel.”

When Harry nodded, Chakotay spoke. “Bridge to sickbay. Doctor, can you hear me?”

There was the briefest of pauses when The Doctor came over the comm.

“ _Oh,_ finally! _Do you have any idea of what’s happening down here—”_

“No, Doc, and I need a status report,” Chakotay said, cutting off his complaints. “We’re still struggling to get comms back online.”

“ _I have fifteen wounded here, Commander. Most are relatively minor, but I have three who were more severely hurt. They should be alright in a day or two, provided we don’t run into any more trouble.”_

“There may be more wounded on the way,” Chakotay said, glancing at the scans. “We’re freeing areas with the most injuries first. We only have a couple areas left, and lifesigns are mostly stable so I’m hoping injuries are minor.”

_“I understand_ ,” The Doctor said, with a resigned sigh. “ _I need assistance with all this extra work. Is there any chance you could get someone to me? Mr. Paris for example?”_

“I’m afraid most access points are cut off,” Chakotay said, a flutter in his heart as he thought of Tom and the captain. “Enlist anyone uninjured you want to assist you. Tom’s trapped in the mess hall with the captain. She’s in labour.”

_“Labour?”_ The Doctor repeated, and Chakotay could almost see him passing a wearied hand over his face. “ _That’s all we need right now. Baby Janeway is as difficult as his mother.”_

“We’ve got a connection with the mess hall and we’re going to use the bridge as a relay station so you can talk to them,” Chakotay said, nodding to Harry, who began tapping panels to open up the link with the mess hall. “I realise you’re busy down there, but try and check in on them. We’ll be able to hear everything.”

_“Understood. Can you put me through now? I suspect Mr. Paris will be having a minor heart attack at the thought of delivering this child.”_

“Do you think he can, if we don’t get to them in time?” Chakotay asked anxiously.

“ _He’s been trained to, and I refreshed his memory of obstetrics when I discovered we had two pregnancies on board. The question is more his ability to put it into practice. If he stays calm, he probably can._ ”

Chakotay tried to let this reassure him and nodded to Harry again.

“Okay, Doctor, go ahead.”

“ _Doctor to Mr. Paris. Come in, please.”_

There was a long gap, and Chakotay began to be worried that the link had failed and was about to head over to Harry’s station to check when Tom’s voice came in, a little out of breath.

“ _Thank God, Doctor. I need your help.”_

_“Understandable. Brief me on the progress of the labour.”_

Despite knowing he should be focusing on his own work to free the next bulkhead, Chakotay couldn’t help but stop to listen in.

“ _Looks to me like she’s almost at the second stage. Contractions are about three minutes apart and last sixty seconds. She was walking around a couple minutes ago but she can’t anymore.”_

_“How dilated is she?”_

_“Seven centimetres.”_

_“Seven?”_ The Doctor’s voice was so shocked that Chakotay began to feel his anxiety return. “ _Already?”_

_“She hid the start of the labour—”_

_“Well, of course she did,”_ The Doctor grumbled. “ _At seven centimetres things are about to get more intense. You need to prepare her for advanced labour. Get her comfortable and ready for the second stage. If the labour’s progressing this quickly you may need to deliver it. She should know what she’s doing, and you’ve had the training too. Keep monitoring the foetal heart rate and the captain’s blood pressure. You know what to look for.”_

_“Doc,”_ Tom said, much more quietly than before, sounding more panicked, “ _I’ve never delivered a baby before.”_

_“That’s alright, Lieutenant. Neither have I,”_ The Doctor said, dismissing it lightly. “ _Don’t worry. We’ve gone over this. Trust your training. The instruction I provided should be more than sufficient.”_

There was a moment of silence, and Chakotay wondered just how worried both Tom and The Doctor really were about this. His fear for Kathryn increased.

“ _Alright.”_ Tom said eventually. “ _But you’ll be just a call away, right? I’m not sure I’ll be able to deal with complications. And I don’t have a lot of equipment.”_

_“Women have been giving birth for centuries without equipment,”_ The Doctor said. “ _The best resource she needs right now is you, Mr. Paris. No matter how anxious you feel, you cannot allow her to see it. She needs you to be calm and professional. Keep her as relaxed as you can. She’s going to be depending on you.”_

Chakotay heard Tom take a deep breath. “ _Okay. I understand.”_

_“Good. Now, I need to go and see my other patients. Get the captain into a comfortable position. And don’t either of you let yourselves be embarrassed by the situation. Modesty flies out the airlock in pregnancy. And don’t be insulted if she shouts at you or threatens to demote you. Labouring women often have very little self-restraint.”_

_“Don’t I know it? She’s already almost broken my fingers. Contractions are getting worse.”_

_“Then go to her. I’ll check in soon.”_

The link ended and Chakotay exchanged a look with Tuvok, who had also stopped work temporarily to listen in.

“How long till we can get to them?”

“Clearing all bulkheads between sickbay and the mess hall will take at least a couple of hours,” he said. “And regardless of the situation, there are other injured crewmen who must be seen to first. The captain has the benefit of a trained medic. They do not.”

Chakotay knew he was right, and could almost hate him for it. Kathryn wouldn’t want him to abandon injured crewmen just to get to her. Like it or not, Chakotay was just going to have to trust Tom.

* * *

Kathryn had grown worried when Tom had lowered his voice to speak to the Doctor across the comm link to the bridge, and when he’d lowered the Doctor’s volume as well, but she ceased to care after a few moments when contractions began again. When finished speaking to him, Tom had come over and helped her to sit on the floor, back pressed up against one of the couches to give her some support as her legs bent at the knee. The couches themselves were too narrow and low rising to offer much space. Kathryn had started to panic slightly as she realised Tom was actually starting to help her prepare to give birth and not just help her through the labour. She bit back her embarrassment as Tom had helped her out of her pants, though she’d thought she’d seen the tips of his ears growing slightly pink. Her uniform jacket was spread across her knees, offering her at least some modicum of modesty for a while longer.

Tom disappeared to the galley for a while and returned with some cloths soaked in cool water, which Kathryn was grateful to have against her face, where she was experiencing continuous hot flashes. Her legs were trembling badly and the pain almost unbearable. She had the urge to vomit, and was embarrassed at potentially being sick in front of Tom before she remembered just how much worse was to come.

“Eight centimetres,” he said, checking his tricorder after another huge contraction. “You’re almost there.”

She groaned and hit her head back against the couch. “This needs to hurry up. I can’t take much more.”

“You’re doing amazingly, Captain,” he said, putting the tricorder away. “You’re going to be fine.”

Barely a minute after the last contraction, another one began, and Kathryn cried out, panting hard, and screwing up her face as she felt a huge increase in pressure in her pelvis. The trembling in her legs increased. The contraction seemed to last forever, and she could have burst into tears at the wave of hopelessness that overcame her. She was tired, dizzy, the world seeming more and more unreal every second as all that seemed to consume her was the pain.

The contraction finally ended, and as ever, Tom was still holding her hand. He didn’t even wince now. It occurred to her vaguely she should give him a promotion for that alone; she was certain she must have permanently damaged his hand by this point.

She rested her head back on the seat of the couch, knowing she had bare seconds before the next contraction began. She didn’t think she could handle any more of this.

“So,” Tom said, obviously trying to distract her, “you didn’t give me a straight answer earlier. You thought of any names?”

Despite the fact she felt like either crying or punching him on the arm, she tried to answer.

“Not really,” she said. “I’ve been too worried about getting him here, let alone what comes next.”

“Well, he’s almost here now,” Tom said, smiling. “You’re going to be a mom soon.”

Kathryn thought about that for a second. _A mom_. It was closer than it had ever been before, and she was still terrified at the thought. If this was the way the child was being born, how did it look for the rest of his life? Would his first birthday party be gate-crashed by the Borg? Would he be learning how to walk in her quarters or on some desolate planet they’d been forced to relocate to after yet _another_ ship-wide emergency?

“I’m not sure I’m ready,” she admitted quietly.

“I know you are, Captain,” he said. His smile had faded, but his eyes were locked on hers with a new determination. “You look after people, you always have. You’ve watched over this crew, turned Harry from a green ensign on his first assignment into a capable bridge officer, me from an ex-con into a respectable helmsman and medic, B’Elanna from an angry Klingon Academy dropout to a slightly less angry Klingon chief engineer, Seven from a Borg drone into a woman rediscovering her humanity, Maquis terrorists into a valued crew … you can handle one little kid.”

Kathryn wasn’t sure if it was his words or the labour which made her want to cry at that moment, but she was spared from finding out when she was seized by another contraction. He stayed by her side, helping her regulate her breathing, and kept hold of her hand.

“Nine centimetres,” he announced after a moment. “You’re doing so well, Captain.”

“Considering the situation, is it weird you’re still calling me Captain?” she asked through her gasps.

“Would it be any less weird if I called you Kathryn?” he asked with a grin.

“Good point,” she said, managing to laugh slightly. “Things are about to get way more uncomfortable.”

“Talking of uncomfortable subjects,” Tom said, a mischievous glint in his eye, “have you considered the fact that this is technically not your first child?”

Kathryn was distracted from the pain for a moment as she groaned and winced. “You mean the …”

“The mutant kids?” Tom asked. He rubbed the back of his neck and laughed nervously. “I try not to think about it, but it keeps coming back to me lately. Weird, huh? We’ve got three mutant offspring out there somewhere.”

“I try and not think of it either,” Kathryn said. Indeed, she had firmly tried to erase all memory of the incident from her mind. She didn’t exactly know what Starfleet was going to say when they discovered she had once mated with her chief conn officer and had three alien offspring. She hardly thought of them as children. She had absolutely no maternal feelings towards them. Then again, she wasn’t sure she’d had many for _this_ child yet either.

“I just started wondering how you could have had those kids while you were pregnant with a Human baby,” he said, frowning. “Makes no sense.”

“I asked The Doctor,” Kathryn said. “He seems to think it’s because the … creatures we were laid eggs instead of carrying children internally. Also, since I was completely physically changed, and the embryo was frozen. But I don’t quite understand it.”

“Huh, that’s interesting,” he said. He laughed again. “It’s something I’d be quite happy to forget about. Don’t really think I’d have been much of a father to three lizards.”

“Nor me a mother,” Kathryn muttered, breathing deeply and steadily, knowing another contraction was imminent, even before the pain of the last one had completely faded. “I abandoned them, after all.”

“Well, as long as you don’t abandon this kid on a planet, you’ll be off to a good start,” Tom said, smiling once more. “And for the record, I think you’ll be a great mother.”

Before Kathryn could respond, the next contraction was on her. Was this his ploy? Talk to her in between contractions and try and get through to her? Prevent her from expressing her doubts by using the contractions as an excuse to stop the conversation? Whatever it was, she didn’t really care at the moment. Even her worries about the baby’s arrival were beginning to fade away in the face of this pain. All she could focus on was just getting through this.

* * *

“Any updates?” Chakotay asked for the hundredth time, but as usual, his team shook their heads.

“Sorry, Commander,” Harry said, shaking his head. “I’ve got partial communications running on Deck 10 for the engineering repair crews, but ship-wide still isn’t available.”

“Transporters?”

“Still inoperable,” Tuvok said. “Until the impulse drive is repaired and we can retreat to a safe distance from the gravimetric disturbances.”

Chakotay looked at Seven, his last hope. “ _Please_ tell me you’ve finished with those bulkheads on Deck 9.”

“Almost all,” she said, looking at him severely. “The last one is proving difficult. After I have been successful, I will begin on the bulkheads between the mess hall and sickbay. Rushing me will accomplish nothing.”

Chakotay turned away to hide his impatience. He knew they were doing all they could, but it still didn’t seem like enough. Not while Kathryn was in trouble. The Doctor had checked in every fifteen minutes, and Tom gave updates which revealed Kathryn’s labour was progressing rapidly. Chakotay’s anxiety was sky high. He wanted to be there for her. He could imagine just how scared and alone Kathryn must feel right now.

“ _Doctor to bridge,”_ came the sound over the comm. “ _Please put me through to the mess hall.”_

Harry swiftly got on that and established the link. Chakotay stopped what he was doing to listen.

“ _Mr. Paris? Update please.”_

There was a long pause, as there always was while Tom left the captain’s side to head for the comm panel.

“ _It’s almost here, Doc,”_ he said, voice slightly harried. “ _She’s almost fully dilated.”_

_“Alright, you know the drill. Remember, the baby could still be an hour or so away. When she’s at ten centimetres, get her to start pushing.”_

_“The way this kid is, I don’t think he’ll wait an hour,”_ Tom said darkly. “ _He isn’t following the rules.”_

“ _Well then, you and he will get on perfectly once he arrives. I’ll call in another fifteen minutes.”_

The connection ended. Chakotay exhaled softly. The urge to be down there with Kathryn increased. He almost turned to ask Seven to remove the bulkheads between Decks 1 and 2 just so he could go to her, as little good as it would do.

“Is it just me getting nervous?” Harry asked, looking around the bridge. “Or is that just weird? It’s not even my kid.”

“No, you’re not the only one,” Chakotay said, trying to resume his work from before. “But we have to focus now. We have to have faith in Tom.”

Harry nodded and Chakotay felt like a hypocrite for telling him to focus when he himself was thinking of nothing except what was happening only one deck below.

* * *

“Ten centimetres, Captain, time to start pushing.”

“Finally,” Kathryn gasped, having been resisting the urge for at least the last fifteen minutes. She had leaned back further against the couch, and Tom had ripped away the cushioned seats of the other couch to prop up behind her back as her legs spread further apart. She was in the most undignified position she had ever been in her life, particularly in front of a subordinate, but she couldn’t find it in her to care.

When the next contraction came, she felt the urge to bear down again, and followed it as best she could, almost forgetting to breath with the effort. She was still incredibly shaky and she was uncomfortably hot. When the contraction ended and she got the chance to breathe again, she removed her undershirt, leaving only the tank top underneath.

“Uh, can I use that, Captain?”

“Go ahead,” she said, tossing it towards him, unwilling to know what he was going to be using it for. She didn’t want to think too closely about what was happening, or what fluids were now leaking from her body. Tom had moved away from her side slightly, scanning her constantly.

It was another few minutes before her next contraction, and even longer before the next; the rapidity seeming to have slowed down slightly as she’d entered this stage of labour. The pain wasn’t quite as intense as before, but that hardly mattered as she was now faced with the extreme fatigue associated with pushing. The rest periods in between weren’t quite enough to help her recover fully, and she was soon breathing more heavily than she’d done in any of her Starfleet physicals. She didn’t think she had the energy for this.

The Doctor called a couple of times while she was pushing, and Tom left her to answer him, returning almost immediately after an incredibly quick update. Kathryn’s mind was swimming. The Doctor called every fifteen minutes; surely she hadn’t been pushing for half an hour already?

Kathryn cried out even louder as she felt an increase of sharp pain, a stinging sort of burning sensation.

“The baby’s almost ready to come out,” Tom asked, scanning her again. “The baby’s head is starting to emerge. Slipped back for now though. It’s almost over. You’re doing so well.”

Kathryn fell back against the cushions, all breath knocked out of her. _I can’t do this._

The next contraction came on her and she tried to push again, and the burning sensation began once more and then faded as the contraction did. She felt like crying. Why wasn’t he coming out? She didn’t have the strength to keep doing this.

When the next one came on, she hadn’t recovered, and she could barely find the energy to sit up again let alone push.

“Push, Captain, nothing’s happening this time,” Tom said. She then noticed he had moved to between her feet and the uniform jacket which had been covering her had been pulled away slightly.

“I can’t,” she gasped. “I can’t do it.”

“Yes, you can,” Tom said, looking up at her. “You’ve come this far. You can do this last part.”

She summoned up the last spurt of energy she had and pushed as hard as she could. The stinging sensation returned and this time did not fade.

“Good,” Tom was saying. “He’s crowning now. Next contraction, don’t push. Just catch your breath and pant slightly, okay? We don’t want his head born too rapidly.”

Kathryn just nodded, too relieved to know she had a few extra minutes to catch her breath to argue, even despite the pain. She could feel the shift in pressure in her lower abdomen. He was almost here. All this time worried about him arriving, and the moment was almost on her.

The next contraction came on and she did as instructed, panting instead of pushing, despite the urge. Her trembling increased. Tom scanned her again and nodded happily.

“Heartbeat looking good,” he said. “You can start pushing again in a minute.”

And she did, somehow, miraculously she did, though her entire body strained with the effort. She fell back, almost crying with exhaustion after the contraction ended. The Doctor’s voice came over the comm asking for an update, but Tom ignored it. He was scanning again and this time, his face went pale.

“What is it?” she gasped.

He ignored her for a minute, bending down to check on her progress, and she was vaguely aware of his hands on her, touching something, but she was too wracked with pain to tell what.

“Tom, what’s wrong?” she asked, cold dread gripping her as she saw how grave his expression was.

He looked back up at her, biting his lip for a moment, apparently debating whether telling her or not telling her would cause the greatest distress.

“I’m losing the baby’s heartbeat,” he said gently. “He needs to be born fast.”

Kathryn felt as if all the physical pain had drained away and sheer terror filled her instead. _My baby is dying_.

Tom reached into the medkit by his side and pressed a hypo to her neck. “I’m speeding up the contractions, Captain. You’re gonna need to push hard so we can get him born as quickly as possible, okay?”

“I don’t know if I can,” she said weakly, tears at her eyes, numb with both exhaustion and fear for her child.

“Yes, you can,” Tom said, reaching up to take hold of her hand again. “I know you can. Don’t worry about a thing, Captain.”

“Tom, he’s in trouble—”

“And I’m gonna fix it, okay?” Tom leaned in closer, fixing his eyes on hers. There was not a trace of fear on his face. “I know what I’m doing. You focus on pushing, and I’ll focus on looking after him. Trust me, like you would on the bridge. Everything’s gonna be fine. I promise.”

Kathryn felt a tear spill out, but she nodded, too overwhelmed to try and argue. Her baby’s life, and perhaps hers as well were in his hands. He was smiling encouragingly at her, and for a moment he exuded the same sense of calmness and reassurance as Chakotay always did. She had to trust him.

The next contraction arrived, and Kathryn did as she was told and pushed harder than she had before, forgetting her fatigue, knowing that her baby’s life depended on it. The Doctor’s voice kept coming across the mess hall, growing increasingly irate as he went unanswered, but both of them ignored it. Kathryn’s pain increased to a point she had previously believed almost impossible to bear, but she didn’t give in.

“Good,” Tom said, nodding. “The baby’s head’s completely here. One more push with the next contraction and so should the rest of him. It’s almost over, Captain. You’re about to meet your son.”

Kathryn blinked the tears away. _My son._ The son she hadn’t even wanted a few months ago, and now was terrified she was about to lose forever.

Tom took off his uniform jacket and spread it down between her legs ready to catch the child as he came out.

Thanks to Tom’s medication, the next contraction was even swifter than the last. Seizing the last of her strength, she pressed her chin to her chest and pushed as hard as she could, becoming aware of a distinct slippery sensation between her legs. The next moment, the pain had faded, and she leaned back, exhausted.

Tom had retreated back slightly and Kathryn caught a flash of red from the corner of her eye as he lifted a small bundle up from the ground. Kathryn leaned forwards slightly, and for the first time, caught sight of her baby, lying limply in Tom’s arms, eyes closed.

Unable to move, she simply sat and stared as Tom rubbed the baby’s back vigorously with his uniform, rubbing along the side of his nose to expel any mucus, but nothing was happening. Tom laid the bundle back on the ground and reached into the medkit for a cardiostimulator which he laid against his chest.

Kathryn sat, horror-stricken as he administered a small charge of three millijoules, only for still nothing to happen. Her baby stayed as limp as before. Tom increased the charge a minute later after rubbing the baby some more and administering a quick rescue breath. Only then, did something happen.

The baby’s chest rose sharply, and his arms and legs twitched. His mouth opened and he gave the tiniest of gasps. A second later, the gasps turned into louder breaths, and then the most wonderful sound Kathryn had ever heard; her son crying.

Tom’s face broke out into a broad grin, and he wrapped the baby up again, continuing to rub him until the cries grew even louder, removing the stimulator from his chest. He lifted him up, carefully adjusting the cord which still attached him to Kathryn and held him out to her, placing him on her chest, with the uniform covering his back and tucked in around him.

“Congratulations, Captain,” he said, beaming broadly.

Kathryn couldn’t speak, but just held onto her new-born son, who lay spread across her chest, tiny arms across her skin. He was still decidedly purple, his face squashed up and covered in all manner of gunk, but to her he was the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. Before she knew it, she was crying, though she too was now smiling. The baby kept on crying, and Kathryn touched her fingers to his skin gently stroking it, whether that was to soothe him or her, she didn’t know or care.

After a few moments, she was able to tear her eyes away from him and look at Tom. “Thank you,” she said through her tears, all embarrassment or awkwardness forgotten.

“You did all the hard work,” he said, looking pleased. He reached out and gently stroked the back of his head. “I know babies are generally pretty funny looking after they’re just born, but I think he’s pretty cute, don’t you?”

“Oh, definitely,” Kathryn said, laughing. The baby, so limp just a few minutes ago, was now squirming against her chest. Kathryn was amazed to think that only few hours ago, he’d been inside of her, and she’d been feeling those same movements through her skin. This was the thing she’d been scared of meeting for so long, and for the moment, she couldn’t figure out why.

“I’ll go and see if I can find something in Neelix’s kitchen to clamp and cut the cord with,” Tom said, “then I’ll go and answer The Doctor before he blows a circuit. I’ll leave you two alone.”

Kathryn nodded, barely noticing him leaving. Her eyes were on the face of her son, remembering that day in sickbay so long ago when she’d first seen it as a hologram, so indistinct and unformed. A lump was building in her throat as she looked at it. As had happened then, the overwhelming thoughts she had had shifted as she met him face to face. He wasn’t scary, wasn’t frightening. He was _hers._

His eyes weren’t opening, but his eyelids fluttered slightly as he cried and Kathryn couldn’t wait until she could see him looking at her, for him to reach out and touch her the way she was doing now. His hands were so tiny, and one was clutching the fabric of her tank top.

All the fears she’d been expressing to Chakotay faded away as she realised now that she’d had nothing to worry about. She loved him, loved him more than anything she’d ever loved in her life. And despite all the other problems in her life which hadn’t gone away, she at least could take comfort in that fact. No matter how painful it would be raising him without Mark, no matter how much she would worry over his safety, or her fears his childhood would be stunted by growing up on a starship, she at least knew now that she loved her son, and perhaps all of that might just be worth it to have him in her life.

The future looked brighter than ever now that he was here.

* * *

_“Mr. Paris! Come in at once!”_

Chakotay winced as The Doctor’s voice echoed across the bridge once again. Tom had been ignoring the Doctor’s calls for at least thirty minutes.

“Is the link still operative?” he asked Harry, unable to disguise the uneasiness in voice.

Harry looked down at the monitors and then nodded. “Yes, should be. Tom’s just not responding.”

“Why not?” Chakotay asked, letting his imagination run wild as the anxiety began to build. They’d finally gotten started on the bulkhead doors between sickbay and the mess hall, and Tuvok had just announced they had full impulse again and had started flying away from the gravimetric disturbance, meaning transporters should be operational within minutes. Had something bad happened just at the moment of rescue?

“I believe I can answer that, Commander,” Tuvok said, looking up from his own consoles, eyebrows raised. “Sensors show there are now three biosigns in the mess hall.”

“Three biosigns?” Chakotay repeated, unable to fully take in what that meant for a moment. A second later, Tom’s voice came over the comm.

_“Sorry, Doctor, I was a bit busy welcoming a new crewmember aboard. Commander, three to beam to sickbay whenever you’re ready.”_

Chakotay felt himself starting to smile, and saw Harry also grinning back at him. Tuvok and Seven looked as passive as always, but both had looked up in interest.

“She’s had the baby?” Chakotay asked, hardly daring to believe it.

“ _Yup.”_ Tom’s voice sounded particularly smug. “ _A perfect baby boy. Three point eight kilograms. Cute as a button but ten times as sticky. Crying his little heart out.”_

Chakotay was now grinning and began to laugh, happy to see Harry looking as pleased as he did.

“ _Were there any problems during the birth, Mr. Paris?”_ The Doctor said, remaining entirely professional, despite the evidence from his voice that he too was smiling.

“ _A couple, but I handled it. You’ll want to check them both out as soon as you can. I’ll fill you in later.”_

_“Very well. Give my congratulations to the captain. I’m sure everyone listening in can’t wait to meet the new arrival.”_

The link was ended and Chakotay sank down into his chair for a moment, still smiling. He could picture Kathryn now, the baby in her arms. He had no doubt that she had fallen in love with him the moment she’d seen him, she couldn’t fail do anything less. And he hoped this could perhaps be the start of an upward climb for her. It was precisely what she deserved.

“We will have moved to a safe distance within twelve minutes, Commander,” Tuvok told him. “Transporters will be functional.”

Chakotay nodded, standing up and switching back to command mode. “As soon as we do, beam the three of them to sickbay. Then get back on ship communications.”

Tuvok nodded and resumed work. Chakotay saw Harry still smiling quietly.

“it’s amazing, isn’t it?” he said. “The captain’s had her baby!”

“Childbirth is not an uncommon occurrence,” Seven said, not looking up from her work. “I do not understand how it can be considered as something worthy of amazement.”

“Look at it this way, Seven,” Chakotay said, too happy to be irritated with her practical outlook on everything. “Childbirth is something so amazing, so perfect, so incredible, that the Borg have never managed to replicate it. They can’t create new life, just steal that of others.”

Seven raised an eyebrow. “An interesting take on the matter. Creating an individual is perhaps something indeed of great worth.”

“Yes, it is,” Chakotay said, smiling as he went back to his work with a new spring in his step. Already he was counting down the minutes until he could get to sickbay himself and see the latest arrival. As Harry had said, it wasn’t his child, nor any man’s on board, yet a part of Chakotay, and indeed part of all the crew, felt that it _was_ partly theirs too. The newest member of their large, slightly dysfunctional family.

And one Chakotay couldn’t wait to meet.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your comments! Hope you enjoy. I swear I spent about much time trying to come up with a name for this fictional baby as I probably will with my own future kids. Some of you in the comments had the same ideas as me! 😉

Kathryn could simply not stop staring at her son.

It had been almost an hour after the birth, and half an hour since they had all been transported to sickbay, and her new-born son was lying in a bed beside her own. His eyes had opened now, and he squinted around at the brightly lit sickbay in confusion, occasionally looking up at her. Each time he did, Kathryn’s heart leapt at the sheer joy of having him here.

The Doctor was still rushing around the other areas tending to the crew who had been injured in the incident, happy to leave her be for a while. Tom had stayed with her for a time, giving them both a brief check over before going to assist The Doctor with the other patients. Kathryn didn’t mind in the slightest. It gave her more time to be with the baby.

She’d cried more than a few times; her hormones, which were already messed up, going into complete overdrive. Everything was confused and muddled up and she was still an emotional mess, but at least now she knew that she _was_ happy he was here, that she _did_ love him. Her worst fear had been avoided, and now all the others seemed minor by comparison.

The baby looked healthy enough; he was certainly alert and his crying showed he had an apparently healthy set of lungs, despite the problems during the birth. He was still wrapped up in Tom’s uniform jacket and looking perfectly content; a Starfleet baby through and through. Though a part of Kathryn ached to think he’d potentially be compelled into donning a uniform like that in the future as part of their journey home, another part was secretly a little pleased to see him like that. She’d never much been one for tradition, but the thought of continuing the family Starfleet legacy with her own son was undeniably a satisfying one.

As for herself, she ached all over and felt like she could sleep for days if not for the fact she wanted to stay awake as long as she could to stare at him. The pain of labour was nothing compared to the satisfaction of seeing him here, touching him, holding him. She inched closer to the edge of her bed and sat up, stretching out her hand to brush her finger along his impossibly smooth skin. He twitched slightly as she did so and turned his head towards her. She smiled as she continued stroking his arm, touching his tiny hand, and gasping in amazement as his hand clenched around her finger for the briefest of moments. Oh yes, she was definitely happy he was here.

“I think I need to get a name for you now,” she murmured, still stroking his hand. “Mommy hasn’t thought about it too much.”

He blinked, not understanding at all. Kathryn looked at him critically, trying to think of what he ‘looked like’. Her pregnancy had been so filled with uncertainty and unease about the impending birth, she really hadn’t given much thought to naming. It was only thanks to Chakotay’s help in the last couple of weeks she even had anything ready for him in her quarters.

A name was important. It had to fit exactly right. But her mind was blank. It had taken her weeks to name her dog Molly. How much worse would it be for her son?

A touch of sadness overcame her as she looked down at him for the first time since he was born. Mark would’ve come up with a name. He’d given her hundreds of suggestions for her dog, Molly being only one of them. He was good with things like this; he could name dozens of influential and admirable people from Earth’s history she might want to name him after, names from all cultures and traditions. He’d have been able to come up with one in no time. And now she was here, thousands of light years away, trying to name their son on her own.

She sighed softly, determining to put away thoughts like this for another time, not wanting to ruin the time she had with her son now. Like it or not, it was up to her, and if Mark didn’t like the name, there was nothing she could do. Kathryn stared down into the baby’s face, trying to see if she could detect a trace of Mark there, but it was probably still too soon to tell who he resembled. Still, even his presence caused a slight pang in her heart as she thought of his father and their doomed relationship.

_That shouldn’t matter,_ she told herself firmly, stopping the tears before they came. _He can’t help it if he reminds me of Mark_. And already the pain from their ended engagement was starting to fade away, particularly as she grew closer to Chakotay. More time and perhaps the pain would fade away entirely. It wouldn’t be right to try and block out Mark’s part in this, for the baby or for Mark. No matter what pain it might cause, Kathryn knew she would never shy away from discussing her baby’s father when he grew old enough to ask about him. Mark couldn’t be here to see his son, to have helped her through the labour, to help name him, but he deserved to be part of his son’s life in some way.

“Well,” Kathryn said, smiling softly, stroking her finger across the baby’s cheek. “Looks like I’ve found you a surname at least. For now, you’re Baby Johnson.”

The baby just closed his eyes, and wriggled a little, obviously unconcerned by what his surname was. But Kathryn was certain in this at least. A part of Mark had to be with this baby, regardless of whether they ever made it home or not. Both of them deserved that at least.

After a while longer, The Doctor appeared back by her bed, Tom at his side. The Doctor peered down at him and smiled broadly. He began scanning the baby, checking his tricorder.

“Good, everything looks good,” he said, still smiling. “Baby’s readings are proving stable. He’s perfectly healthy.”

“What about the problems during the birth?” Kathryn asked, glancing at the baby and feeling sick as she remembered the sight of him limp in Tom’s arms. “He wasn’t breathing.”

“Thankfully, Mr. Paris sorted that out admirably,” The Doctor said, turning to Tom, who smiled and looked a little awkward. “Your baby owes him his life.”

“I just did what I had to,” Tom said, cheeks turning a little pink.

“Thank you, Tom,” Kathryn said, meeting his eyes to try and express how deeply she meant these words. “Truly. As soon as I get the chance, you’re getting a promotion.”

He laughed lightly. “I’ll hold you to that, Captain,” he said. He moved over to the bed and looked down at the baby. “I’m just glad he’s okay. Scared the hell out of me when I couldn’t find a heartbeat. This kid’s gonna keep everyone on their toes.”

“It’s the Delta Quadrant, when _aren’t_ we kept on our toes?” Kathryn said, also looking down at him. “I see what you mean though. This kid’s caused no end of trouble since the moment I found out he was coming. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

_That’s a radical change_ , Kathryn thought to herself. _You’ve been thinking the opposite for so long. Has just the matter of finally seeing him with my own eyes been all I needed to change that?_

“I recommend you both stay in sickbay for a little while longer, Captain,” The Doctor said, looking over her now. “You’ve both had quite the night, and I want to continue to monitor his biosigns just in case.”

“Alright.”

“Alright?” The Doctor stared at her, actually lowering his tricorder. “Since when does Captain Janeway agree to spend so much time in sickbay?”

“Since she spent half a day and night in labour and gave birth on the floor of the mess hall during a ship-wide emergency with only her helmsman for company,” Kathryn said, rubbing her temple, fighting another wave of exhaustion. “I’m ready to completely pass out.”

“Fair enough, but before you do, perhaps we should try and feed the child, if you’re up to it.”

Kathryn nodded her assent, feeling a thrill of excitement at the thought of nursing her baby. She began to sit up a little better, and The Doctor placed the baby into her arms, where he seemed to settle as comfortably as if they had been designed just for him. He looked up at her with blue eyes which only opened a crack in the glare of the lights above.

“ _Bridge to Mr. Paris.”_ Chakotay’s voice broke into Kathryn’s thoughts abruptly and she smiled as she imagined introducing the baby to him soon.

Tom’s hand went to his chest automatically, but then he frowned and looked around, realising he no longer had a commbadge since he’d used its parts to create the comm connection to the bridge. He moved to the head of Kathryn’s bed where there was a comm panel and tapped a button.

“Paris here.”

_“If The Doctor’s finished with you in sickbay, we could use your help up here. The gravitational interference in this sector is messing with navigation and we need your piloting skills.”_

Tom glanced at The Doctor who nodded.

“Looks like I’m in high demand these days. I’m on my way.”

“ _Good. The path to the bridge should be clear now. Come as quick as you can._ ”

Tom ended the communication and sighed heavily, looking down at the baby again.

“Is it weird that I kinda don’t want to leave?” he asked, touching the baby’s hand with his finger. “I have to say, I’m getting kind of attached.”

“I’m sure we’d both like it if you come back and visit later,” Kathryn said, smiling at him, meaning every word. “But the ship needs you more than we do.” She tugged at the uniform jacket still around the baby and chuckled. “Perhaps by the time you come back I’ll have had this cleaned.”

“He can have it,” Tom laughed, wrinkling his nose a little. “I’ll gladly use up some replicator rations to get a new uniform. It kind of suits him. I think he’ll end up following your footsteps.”

Tom gave the baby’s hand one last gentle squeeze before he turned and left on the way up to the bridge. Kathryn looked down at the baby, thinking over his last words as The Doctor moved closer, helping her position the baby for nursing.

_Maybe he will follow my footsteps. I only hope it’ll be because he wants to, not because he needs to._

* * *

Chakotay turned as Tom entered the bridge and moved down to his station, a small smile playing on his lips. He was only wearing his grey undershirt, sleeves pushed up to his elbows, and his commbadge was nowhere to be seen.

“Lieutenant,” Tuvok remarked sharply, “where is your uniform?”

Tom waited a moment, entering a few commands on his panels before twisting around to look at him reproachfully.

“Currently? Wrapped around a new-born. I can go get it if you like, but it’s a bit icky at the moment and I think the kid might protest. The Commander said hurry, so I didn’t stop to get a new one.”

He turned back to turn his attention to the conn as they encountered some more gravimetric waves, his fingers dancing across the panels. Upon reaching a slightly clearer region of space, he leaned back a little, breathing out slowly. Chakotay noted he looked absolutely exhausted. After his regular duty shift, he’d stayed up all night helping the captain, then The Doctor, and now he was back on the bridge having had no sleep since he’d last left it.

“Once we’re out of this region go and get some rest, Tom,” Chakotay said. “You’ve earned it.”

Tom smiled weakly, turning his attention back to his screens.

“Are they both okay?” Harry asked, asking the question Chakotay wished he could ask without wanting to sound desperately unprofessional.

“Doing great,” Tom said, waiting a few moments until he could answer without distraction. “The Doc’s looking after them.”

“You did good, Tom,” Chakotay said, unable to express how truly grateful he was without revealing too much.

“Are you sure they’re okay?” Harry asked. “You said over the comm that there were some complications.”

Tom winced. He entered a course correction and turned to look at them, rubbing his chin.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t see the problem on the tricorder readings and almost missed it till I saw the heartbeat dropping. When he was born, he wasn’t breathing. I had to use a cardiostimulator. Got to have been the scariest five minutes of my life.”

Chakotay sat up a little straighter, unnerved at how close the baby had come to dying. He could easily imagine how afraid Kathryn had been. “He’s alright now though?”

“Yeah, certainly doesn’t stop him screaming his lungs out now,” Tom said, laughing slightly, though a shadow lingered in his eyes. “I trained for stuff like that with The Doctor on the holodeck, but it’s different in real life with someone you know.”

“She’s lucky you were there with her,” Chakotay said. He was already itching to get down to sickbay to see Kathryn himself, but knew she would not appreciate him abandoning the bridge and leaving her ship in such a precarious situation.

“Yeah, a real hero,” Harry laughed. “I’m pretty sure saving the captain’s kid’s life should earn you a medal, or a promotion at least.”

“That’s what she said,” Tom said, turning to alter course again as sensors picked up another disturbance. “She was the real hero though. Man, that was intense.”

Chakotay mused on this a few moments as Tom turned his attention to navigation. Again, he had the violent urge to run down to sickbay and check on them both. Had Kathryn finally begun to face her fears of motherhood when her son had come so close to death, or did this incident only highlight her fears further? He desperately wanted to be with her, to see her child, hold him, let them both know that he’d always be there for both of them, no matter what. As strange as it sounded, he’d almost come to think of this child as his own.

“What’s he like?” Harry asked after a while.

“The kid?” Tom continued looking down at the readings. “Cute chubby cheeks. Little chubby hands. You know, typical baby stuff.”

“Does he look like the captain?”

“Hard to tell,” Tom said lightly. “I’ve never seen the captain screw up her face and scream until her skin goes bright red. Tonight excluded.”

“Come on, Tom, give me more than that!”

“I believe, Ensign,” Tuvok said, across the bridge, “that it would perhaps be wiser to wait until you see the child for yourself than plague our helmsman with questions as he navigates a potentially dangerous part of space.”

Harry, suitably scolded, fell quiet, and Chakotay hid his smile, though he himself was desperate for information. He knew that Tuvok was also curious, since he’d noticed him also stopping to listen in on the conversations between Tom and The Doctor. He thought he might be perhaps as impatient for this duty shift to end as he was.

“We’re clear of the gravitational disturbances,” Tom announced after a while. “Should I resume previous course?”

“No, just hold position here,” Chakotay said, glancing at his readings. “Warp drive’s still offline and I expect B’Elanna will appreciate the chance for some repairs. We’ve got damage reports from all over the ship. We’ve got a clean up to do.”

“Yeah, and you might wanna get someone to clean up the mess hall before anyone tries to eat in there,” Tom said, looking apologetic. “It’s enough to put anyone off their food.”

“Noted,” Chakotay said, smiling. “I don’t think Neelix will mind given the circumstances.”

“Good, you mind telling him for me? I think I need to turn in before I fall asleep at my post,” Tom said, stifling a yawn. “I’ve had the most insane night.”

Chakotay nodded his agreement, and Tom stood up, stretching slightly and fighting another yawn. He smiled softly before he turned to leave.

“You know, I kind of understand why people like being doctors now,” Tom said, eyes filling with something like wonderment. “As exhausting and scary as it was, it felt kinda nice. No, scratch that. It felt _amazing_. Like, I actually brought that new life into the world. How cool is that?”

Tom didn’t wait for any answers and headed to the turbolift. As soon as he was gone, Seven looked up from her monitors.

“I do not relish the idea of what this event might do for Mr. Paris’ already inflated ego.”

Chakotay laughed, but said nothing. Personally, he didn’t care if Tom were to brag about this from here all the way to the Alpha Quadrant. Tom had saved Kathryn’s baby, possibly Kathryn herself, and Chakotay doubted whether he’d ever be able to annoy him again.

He kept an eye on the chronometer, counting down the minutes until he could be with Kathryn.

* * *

Kathryn woke up in sickbay with no sense of what time it was but was prevented from wondering when she saw the bed next to her own with her son lying asleep inside it. She turned onto her side to lie staring at him, reaching out her fingers to press them against the clear sides of the bed. How was it possible to love this much?

The Doctor came over after a while and ran scans on them both, declaring them both to be doing well and informing her she’d slept almost the entire day. According to him, a few crew members had dropped by to try and visit, but he’d turned them all away while she slept. While she was grateful for this, part of her wished he’d simply woken her up and allowed her to greet her visitors, especially when he told her one of them had been Chakotay. She longed to show him her son.

The three crewmembers who had been severely injured in the incident and were in sickbay were so far the only ones outside the Doctor and Tom to have seen the baby, and though they couldn’t get out of their own biobeds yet, they all smiled and congratulated her when The Doctor walked around sickbay with the baby to introduce them. Kathryn herself still felt too sore to walk too far and was content to lie back and watch. Her son’s eyes were opening ever wider and his arms and legs were constantly moving around like he was trying to escape and run off somewhere.

She spent the rest of the day in sickbay alternating between holding him, nursing him (which in itself was an incredible experience) and talking with the Doctor about his care and his needs. For the first time since stepping foot on _Voyager,_ her thoughts were not on her crew or her ship, but entirely on him. Perhaps being a mother and captain would be easier than she thought. Relinquishing control to Chakotay like this was not nearly as heart wrenching as she’d thought it would be, not now that this little boy was here to ease the pain. She wondered how long that would last for.

Kathryn was tired, despite her long sleep, her body ached and she felt like she could burst into tears at the drop of the hat, yet she’d never been happier in her life. All her other problems were far away at the moment, and though she knew she couldn’t hide from them forever, for the moment, she was content to do just that. Her son lay in her arms, and as he looked up at her, eyes open and trusting and she asked herself again: _why was I afraid of this_?

The sickbay doors opened but she was too enraptured with her child to bother to look up to see who it was, and assumed the Doctor would get rid of them, as he always did, but the next moment, she heard a voice addressing her. It was Tom, now dressed in a new uniform and smiling down at her.

“You look rested, Lieutenant,” she observed. “And you’ve managed to clean yourself up, I see.”

“Slept like a log,” he laughed lightly. “And yeah, I had to get a new uniform. Tuvok actually almost got angry seeing me on the bridge without one.”

Kathryn chuckled to herself, picturing Tuvok’s face exactly. Tom came a little closer, looking down at the baby again.

“It’s amazing,” he said, eyes fixed on the baby. “I mean, I understand the whole ‘miracle of life’ thing, but it’s a whole other thing to see it happening in front of you. I wonder if everyone feels like this the first time they deliver a kid.”

Kathryn was touched to see how affected he was by this experience. It appeared she was not the only one feeling it. She smiled softly to herself as she remembered what she had to tell him.

“You seem to have formed a bond with him,” she noted, seeing how intense his expression was. “You’ve stared at him almost as much as I have.”

“Sorry,” he said, stepping back a little, and clearing his throat. “I mean, I know it’s not my kid and all, but … it kinda feels like … you know … special, somehow.”

“I’m not complaining,” Kathryn said, laughing. The baby had by now started looking at Tom, or rather, in his general direction, eyes not quite used to focusing yet. “You saved his life.”

Tom just shrugged, a little embarrassed. He cleared his throat again. “I’ll leave you to rest, Captain,” he said. “I just had to stop by and see you both before I went back on duty.”

“Wait a moment, Tom,” she said, making him stop and turn back towards her. “Stay a while.”

“I don’t want to disturb you—”

“That’s alright,” she said, motioning for him to sit on the stool beside her bed. “I don’t think there’s much you could do to bother me now.”

He chuckled and sat down. She passed him the baby, and Tom took him gently, his smile widening. The baby wriggled a little more. He was wearing a tiny little jumpsuit, and this long after the birth, all the gunk was gone, replaced by silky smooth skin and the sweetest of smells. Tom and the baby looked at each other for a long time, and Kathryn grew ever more content the longer she saw them together. _Oh yes, there’s no doubt there’s a connection there._ Her decision felt even more certain then.

“You got a name yet, Captain?” Tom asked her, finally tearing his eyes away. “Feels weird to just call him “him” all the time.”

She fought back a large smile. “Yes, and I’ve been thinking about it all day,” she said, reaching out and holding the baby’s hand. “I’ve only just come to my decision.”

“And?”

“Well, I wanted something which reminded me of space and exploration,” she said, speaking slowly, as if still thinking aloud, “but also something which reminded me of family. I went through loads of names; my father’s, my childhood heroes, famous individuals, until one stuck out. Someone who was the first to go someplace no other human had been, like what I’m doing now. The first Human space explorer I ever remember my father telling me about. I’m sure someone like you can name the first man to walk on the moon.”

Tom was smiling now. “Neil Armstrong. You’re calling him Neil? I hope it’s not Buzz.”

“I think so,” Kathryn said, laughing and rubbing the baby’s skin with her forefinger. “I’ve been trying it out all day and it seems to fit. It was my grandfather’s name, who was the first Janeway in Starfleet, and it was Mark’s father’s name too, so it has a connection to both of us. Neil Johnson.”

“Neil,” Tom mused, looking down at the baby. “I think I like it. Yep, I approve.”

“Then maybe you’ll approve of his middle name as well,” Kathryn said, now not concealing her large smile. “With your permission, of course, I’d like to name him after the man who saved his life.”

Tom frowned a little and then his eyes grew wider and his jaw dropped open. “You mean—”

“Neil Thomas Johnson,” she said grinning at the dumbfounded look on his face. “What do you think?”

It was evident he could barely think at all. He blinked for a few moments, looking remarkably like he had when she’d asked him to be her chief helmsman on _Voyager_ four years ago.

“I—I don’t know what to say, Captain,” he said after a stunned silence. “You know I was joking last night when I said Thomas was a good name?”

“It grew on me as the night went on,” she laughed. “I might not be able to promote you for a while, so maybe this will do for now. What do you say?”

Tom laughed shortly, eyes still wide. “I’d be honoured.”

“Good,” she said, also laughing again. “Would you agree to be godfather as well then? The Doctor keeps hinting, but I think a kid that refuses to abide by the rules like this one would appreciate you better.”

This time she thought she might really have gone too far. If it wasn’t for the tight hold he had of the baby, she thought he might have dropped him in shock.

“You’re serious?”

“Completely,” she said, knowing more than ever that this was the right decision the longer this went on. “He wouldn’t be here without you, Tom. I’m not sure I could have gone through with that on my own. And I would have been if not for you coming to check on me every night.”

“I’m sure you could’ve,” Tom said, growing pinker ever second. “You’re one of the strongest women I know.”

“Not lately,” she said, shaking her head. “I’ve been going through some things recently, Tom. You came along just at the right moment. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate what you did.”

Tom looked away from her and down at the baby for a moment, swallowing hard. He was still blinking quickly.

“You sure you want me? I don’t have the greatest track record at sticking at things.”

“You’re a different man to the one who came aboard four years ago, Tom,” she said, reaching out and placing a hand on his shoulder. “I trust you with the safety of this entire ship, why wouldn’t I trust you with this?”

After a long moment, Tom looked back up her, eyes suspiciously shiny. He passed the baby back to her, taking the baby’s hand in his for a moment.

“If I am a different man, it’s thanks to you, Captain,” he said, smiling again as he spoke. “And if you want me to be godfather, how can I refuse?”

“Good, because I didn’t want to make it an order,” she said, holding the baby, holding _Neil_ , more securely in her arms. “Now, you’d better get to the bridge before Tuvok has a reason to get ‘almost angry’ again.”

Tom nodded, standing up and casting one last look back at them. He didn’t say anything, but Kathryn saw the emotion behind that look. Four years ago, Kathryn couldn’t have imagined a situation like this; asking the former felon she’d seen in that rehab colony to be her son’s godfather. But she’d always tried to see the good in people, and she’d been able to see it for a long time in Tom, perhaps before he’d even seen it in himself. All he needed was someone to have faith in him, and Kathryn certainly did. The events of last night proved what she’d known all along. There was a lot more to Tom Paris than the confident, brash persona he showed to everyone else.

He left a moment later as Kathryn held her son, Neil, closer to her body. She was certain she’d made the correct decision. Samantha Wildman had helped her through the early part of the pregnancy, Chakotay had helped her through the latter stages as well as helping her decide whether or not she wanted the child, and now Tom had helped her through the birth itself.

Relying on her crew had become second nature to Kathryn over the years when it came to decisions affecting the entire ship, but it had been a hundred times harder to do the same when it came to her own personal life.

Perhaps now, that was beginning to change.

* * *

When Tom walked onto the bridge, Chakotay could see immediately that he was brimming with happiness. He was practically skipping on the way down to his station, smiling widely. Chakotay raised an eyebrow and then looked at Harry, who merely shrugged.

Tom sat down at the conn and began monitoring his sensors and tapping a couple of panels, head bobbing as he did so.

“Okay, out with it,” Harry said, frowning. “Why do you have that idiotic grin on your face?”

“No reason,” Tom said cheerfully, grin only becoming wider. “Can’t a man just be happy?”

Harry looked to Chakotay, who then looked at Tuvok. No one seemed to have a clue. Chakotay tried to put it out of his mind, and idly began thinking about Kathryn again while the alpha shift began. He’d stopped by twice, but been informed both times that she was resting and sent packing by the Doctor who already had a rather crowded sickbay. Though disappointed, he’d agreed for Kathryn’s sake. It didn’t stop his mind wandering however, wondering if she and the baby were okay.

The shift was barely ten minutes in when Tom suddenly laughed out loud and practically span in his chair.

“I’m godfather!” he cried out, grinning even more broadly. “Can you believe it? She asked me to be godfather!”

Chakotay couldn’t hide his surprise. Harry exhaled loudly. “You? She actually asked _you?”_

“Yep!” Tom spun around once more, looking insanely pleased with himself. “And she’s named the kid after me!”

Unsure if he was being serious, Chakotay leaned forward slightly to look at him more closely. A part of him felt slightly resentful that Tom had managed to get in to see Kathryn before he did, that he knew more of her business than Chakotay. It was a strange feeling, knowing how Tom had helped the captain, to feel … what was this … _jealousy?_ It was entirely irrational to be jealous. What real claim did he have over Kathryn, other than being her friend? Why shouldn’t she talk to someone other than him?

“She’s named him Tom?” Chakotay asked in disbelief.

“Not quite,” Tom said. “She’s named him Neil. Neil Thomas Johnson. Can you believe it?”

Honestly, Chakotay was finding it hard to. In all the talks he’d had with Kathryn lately, she’d never mentioned anything about having picked out a name, and he was a little surprised she’d named him so quickly when everything had been so confusing for her up until now. Was this a promising sign of a turnaround in her mental state? Neil … he vaguely remembered her discussing a grandfather named Neil who’d been a captain in Starfleet and had been a family inspiration, so it wasn’t such a surprise. Thomas … it made sense considering what Tom had done for her. Johnson …

This was where Chakotay’s strange jealousy grew even more irrational. Why shouldn’t she give her son his father’s surname? It was perfectly reasonable. Perhaps it was because a part of him had started to forget that it was Mark Johnson’s son. The child felt like a part of _Voyager_ now, a part of Chakotay, though he knew he shouldn’t allow himself to think like that. But seeing how heartbroken Kathryn had been at Mark’s letter, the way she’d agonised over him for so long had left Chakotay with less than cordial feelings towards the man. It almost felt intrusive to hear his surname on Kathryn’s child, though logically it really shouldn’t. Why should this bother him?

_Because it’s a reminder that a part of her still loves him_ , a voice said at the back of his mind. _That she misses him. It’s a sign that she’ll always be connected to him, no matter what. Connected in a way you can’t be with her. That the child is his, and not yours._

Chakotay pulled himself away from thinking like this. _Don’t go down that route_. He told himself. Not again. Years of ridiculous pining needed to end now. Kathryn had always made it perfectly plain that she wanted to keep the professional boundaries between them, and no amount of hope from him could change that. And now was hardly the time to go barging in and declaring his feelings. He knew she must be feeling incredibly conflicted at the moment, meeting the son of the man she’d once agreed to marry but now couldn’t. Perhaps that was another reason why the name Johnson bothered him; it was the name Kathryn might have taken herself had they never arrived in this quadrant. If she’d never met _him_.

“What was that you said yesterday about his overinflated ego, Seven?” Harry asked, shaking his head, but looking amused. “He’s going to be insufferable from now on.”

Tom objected profusely and they were soon arguing back and forth good-naturedly, but Chakotay was lost in thought. He could not wait until the end of his shift until he could go and check on Kathryn and her new son, Neil. He needed to let her know he was there for her, no matter what personal troubles she may be going through at the moment. And he also knew she didn’t need to see his weird jealousy of a man he’d never met, who Kathryn herself hadn’t even seen in four years.

He was determined to be there for them both. Though he couldn’t tell her everything he felt for her, she needed to know that to him, Kathryn and Neil were already part of his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked! I tried to pick a name which I hadn't seen in any other fic, though I could've missed this one! Next update will not be until after Friday at least as I have an interview coming up. Chakotay will finally get to meet the baby! :


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